Chapter 68
feel sick. Physically nauseous. Jonas is my friend. Wasn’t I trying to convince Kyor only this morning that we could trust him? Then again,I that was before Jonas’s comment about working on our solo skills. He’s out for himself now, and I guess that includes doing whatever it takes to get rid of the competition. ‘Jonas.’ I try to keep my voice steady. ‘Whatever it is you think you know, it’s not what you think.’ ‘Is that right? Well, I’ll tell you now, I’ve got a fair few suspicions,’ he says. ‘Suspicions I’m pretty sure I can find the answers to in here. Unless you want to save me the trouble?’ He steps forward. There’s a thick tome in his arms and a single vein is raised and pulsing across his forehead. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Caroline slink away. I assume it’s because she thinks we want privacy. Part of me wants to call out to her to stay. But maybe the fewer witnesses, the better. ‘Is this the power you used to kill Oke, too?’ he asks. ‘You didn’t take your dagger with you to the lake. You left it in the dining hall. Did you use magic to kill her?’ He lowers his voice. ‘Issen magic?’ I don’t answer – I can’t – and he takes my silence as agreement.
With a sharp inhale, he takes a step towards me. ‘Rose, whatever is going on with you, if anybody finds this out, you are dead. You know that.’ My eyes jerk up to meet his. ‘Of course I do! But I don’t know what this is. I need time to work it out. ’ ‘You don’t get time here. Remember? There are no second chances.
You, of all people, should know that. Think of your mother. Your father.’
There’s a clattering from somewhere deeper in the library, and I drop my voice to a whispering hiss. ‘What would you have me do, then? Would you have me turn myself in for powers I don’t even understand?’ ‘No, of course not.’ That vein is still protruding from his forehead, though it’s not pulsing quite so much anymore. ‘Then what, Jonas?’ He looks at me for a moment, his cheeks drawing inwards. He sets the book down. ‘Marry me,’ he says. ‘I’ll protect you and make sure people don’t find out. Marry me, Rose.’ I gape at him. He has to be joking. And yet his expression is deadly serious. ‘What the hell are you on about?’ A disbelieving laugh cracks from my lungs. ‘You can’t be serious.’ ‘It makes sense,’ he says, taking my hands. ‘It’s the only thing you can do. If we’re married, you’ll be back to being a member of the court. Acacia, too. Once that happens, we can move somewhere. Away from Wrohelm.
Maybe Benny could get us a place on one of the smaller Eastern Isles.
Somewhere quiet.’ My laughter may have stopped, but the disbelief remains. He wants me to run away and hide for the rest of my life. ‘Jonas, I’m not going to marry you. I … I can’t. I love Kyor.’ It’s the first time I’ve said the words aloud, to anyone, and it feels wrong. They should be reserved for Kyor alone.
Jonas is unfazed by my confession. ‘Whatever you believe you feel, it’s almost certainly due to the stress of the situation, Rose. Some weird coping mechanism to make all the suffering here seem normal. Believe me when I say that’s not what love should be.’ I grit my teeth, fighting the urge to spit at him. ‘Kyor is the prince,’ Jonas continues. ‘And you are … whatever you are, Rose. Please think about this sensibly. I’m not denying your feelings for him. I’m not. I’m sure there’s something there for you, and maybe it’s even reciprocated. But at some point, he’s going to have to be king. King of the whole of Morathka. Sworn to protect his subjects from the Issen. What’s going to happen if he finds out? When he realises the truth, he will have to put you to death, Rose. You know that.’ I try to hold my gaze steady – try not to give anything away – but as my lips press together, a look of disbelief dawns on Jonas’s face .
‘He knows. Gods, he already knows.’ He shakes his head as he tugs his beard. When he looks back at me, his resolve has returned. ‘That doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t. You marry me, and I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you safe. You know I will. We can go wherever you want. Take Acacia and William—’ I frown. Something about the way he says William’s name is off. ‘Why would we take your father’s ward?’ He combs his fingers back through his beard again. ‘He’s a brother to me,’ he says. ‘I won’t leave him behind. I’m just thinking through all of the logistics. Thinking through how it would work. What other choice do you have?’ ‘I have the choice of winning the Retterheld.’ The words leave my mouth with utter conviction – the same conviction I felt all those months ago when I first entered Etta’s temple to give my offering. There’s no denying that my conviction has wavered at times since, that I even doubted my chances, but I don’t anymore. Etta let me in for a reason. And that’s to win this thing.
I stand there, back straight, with my eyes narrowed on Jonas, only for him to tut like I’m a small, incapable child rather than someone who has survived four fucking deadly trials. Someone who dragged him off the ice to safety in the third trial and convinced Kyor to save his life in the fourth.
My hackles rise. ‘Even now. Even after all the times I’ve had to save you, you still don’t think I can do it. You still think I’m just some weak, powerless little girl.’ The slightest flush of embarrassment colours his cheeks, but it does nothing to douse the fury I’m feeling. ‘It’s the best of the best left, Rose. It’s not about you. You saw what Grenda’s capable of, and Zara wants you dead. She’ll put a sword through your stomach the instant the Ofur begins.’ ‘I can do it. I know I can.’ ‘And then what?’ His tone is so sharp it’s like being struck with tiny shards of glass. ‘You think you can just win, get your powers back, and then pretend like none of this ever happened?’ ‘Yes. That’s exactly what I plan on doing.’ With a noise that could be a scoff or a laugh, he lifts his hands to his head. ‘That is insane, Rose. Do you even know how to control these new powers of yours? Or what you’re capable of? Because I know you, and I’m
willing to bet that however you killed Oke, it wasn’t what you wanted to do, what you intended to do. It was the magic that did it. Not you. ’ Pain claws through me as I bite the inside of my cheek. I don’t know what I hate more about this conversation: the fact that he thinks he has the right to speak to me like this, or that almost everything he’s saying is spot on. ‘Please, Jonas. Let it go. We’re not having this conversation here. It’s stupid and dangerous.’ I pause. ‘Please don’t mention this magic to anyone.’ ‘I won’t. You know I won’t, Rose.’ I turn to go, but he catches me by the hand. Any anger that was in his eyes has now transformed into outright desperation. ‘Think about it. Please, Rose. It would keep you safe. And it’s not like you didn’t feel something for me before. You know, before he came along.
We can rekindle it, the flame between us.’ There it is. The hurt. The jealousy. The fact that he thinks it should be him I’m with. As he continues to stare into my eyes, with all his vulnerability right there for me to see, the smallest fraction of my anger ebbs away. ‘Jonas, I love you as a friend. I always have. But as for it turning into something more … I guess we’ll never know now.’ I look down, mainly because I can’t bear to look at his face any longer, and my gaze lands on the book he’s holding. ‘I promise I’ll tell you whatever I find,’ I say, taking it from him. He lets me. ‘I’ll see you at training later.’ I walk back towards the staircase, and when I reach the bottom step, he calls my name again, the crack of urgency in his voice stopping me in my tracks. ‘I would be able to protect you as a husband, Rose. I can’t promise the same if I’m just your friend.’ I shake my head as I release a bitter laugh. ‘If you’re trying to blackmail me into marrying you, I think that’s a pretty sure sign you were never my
friend in the first place.’ I don’t look back again.
I FIND Benny in the battle yard, staring intently at Grenda. ‘This is training?’ I ask him.
He starts to nod his head, only for the motion to turn into a shake, accompanied by a groan. ‘She has to have a tell. Something she does that will give us a chance to block her. If we can’t, then the rest of us don’t stand a chance. She could just freeze us all and leave us there until she’s finished the Ofur and won the Retterheld. The problem is that she isn’t using her bloody magic, so I can’t see if there’s a tell or not.’ Right now, Grenda is fighting Moryal and Del simultaneously, and they’re giving her a serious workout. I’ve seen her feet slip on the sand more than once, and she’s come precariously close to not blocking a couple of strikes. Strikes I’m not convinced they would’ve pulled, not if it gave them the chance to take her out of the running. ‘As far as I can tell, the only thing any of us have got on her is stamina,’ Benny tells me. ‘She’s the oldest left, so if it’s a five-day Ofur, we might stand a chance.’ ‘A five-day trial? I think I’ll throw in the towel now,’ I groan.
He laughs, but it fades as he looks at me properly. A crinkle forms between his brows. ‘You okay?’ he asks. ‘You look like shit.’ ‘Just what every woman wants to hear,’ I huff. I clear my throat. ‘Actually, any chance you and I can have a chat later? Maybe up in my old room.’ His eyebrows bob. ‘It must be serious if you want us to risk the death- trap stairs.’ ‘If you can’t manage the stairs, you’re going to be screwed when it
comes to the Ofur.’
‘Good point. After dinner?’ ‘Perfect.’
SEVERAL HOURS LATER, I’m sitting on the ash-covered sheets of my old bed, having told Benny everything. Unlike with Jonas, where I was vague about what happened on the ice with Oke, I didn’t hide anything – from the way the ice radiated from my hand and killed her, to the way I froze the water to stop myself from plunging to an icy death. I even tell him about the way
Kyor was trying to help me train it, and the times I’ve felt the tingle of power buzz beneath the surface of my palm. With that covered, I move on to Jonas and his offer, or rather threat, of marriage. ‘Fucking arsehole,’ Benny mutters. The two words are all I need to assure me I made the right choice in telling him. ‘That’s a hell of a lot to deal with, Rosey. How are you feeling now?’ ‘Scared,’ I admit. ‘Of the powers, or the fact that Lorathin is so desperate to get into your
pants he’d blackmail you?’ I grimace.
Thankfully, Benny fills the silence. ‘What do you need from me? How can I help?’ Benny’s simple offer of solidarity is everything, and I close my eyes as an all-too-familiar heat burns behind them. I never used to be a crier, and now it feels like it’s all I do. ‘I don’t know.’ I reach out and squeeze his hand gratefully. ‘I got this book from the library and was going to see if it could help, but I don’t even know what’s in it yet.’ ‘Shall I have a look? I’m pretty good at skim-reading.’ He takes the book and flicks it open, but rather than looking at the page, he continues to stare at me. ‘My grandmother, the Dowager, used to say,’ he begins. ‘Well, I can’t remember exactly how she put it … but basically, when she was training me and my brother, and we got frustrated that our powers weren’t working the way we wanted them to, she would say that everyone’s powers can turn up when they’re scared or angry. But if they show themselves when you’re feeling safe, that’s how you know you’ll be able to control them. She used to tell us to chase that safe feeling – the feeling of home.’ ‘I like the sentiment,’ I tell him. ‘But there’s one big problem. Exactly how many times have you felt safe since you got accepted to the Retterheld?’ ‘Good point,’ he concedes with a half grin. ‘Let’s look through the book.’ Benny’s fingers start flicking through the pages like he’s riffling through a deck of cards, and I can’t help but laugh. ‘You know, the point is to read the pages, not just flick past them.’
‘I am,’ he says, rolling his eyes. ‘My magical sight is handy for more than just spotting tells.’ I draw in a long breath as jealous understanding dawns. ‘You could read an entire library in a week.’ ‘Three,’ he tells me. ‘That’s how long it took me to get through the ones
in Brandish, anyway.’ ‘Wow.’ He grins. ‘It has its uses. But on the battlefield, people don’t really care about reading speed, so my talents are disparaged. ’ ‘That’s a mistake,’ I murmur.
He grins. ‘I know, but let’s not tell my enemies, hmm? It’s useful to be
woefully underestimated.’ I mime buttoning up my lips.
I thought I knew all about Benny’s powers, but there’s so much more to magic than what you see on the outside.
The smile on his lips fades as he scratches the side of his cheek, and I can tell there’s something he wants to talk to me about, but I’ve no idea why he’d be having difficulty saying it. ‘Do you really trust him?’ he asks finally. ‘Kyor? Yes,’ I say without hesitation. ‘He’s known about me since it happened, and he’s not said a word to anyone. I know he made some mistakes when he was younger, but he wants to put them right.’ Benny’s only reaction is a single nod. ‘Okay, next question: do you think he’ll be a good king?’ I shrug. ‘Honestly, I don’t know. But I know he’ll try to be. Is that the same thing?’ ‘Maybe,’ he says wistfully, offering me another smile. ‘Sorry, but there’s nothing in here that sounds like what you’ve been able to do. No creating ice or talking to krakens. Seems like you’re even more special than we thought, Rosey.’ My disappointment is palpable. Still, I go to thank Benny for his help, only for my words to get lost in a yawn. ‘Maybe it’s time we head to bed?’ he suggests. ‘It’s probably a good idea,’ I agree, rising to my feet. ‘See you at
breakfast in the morning.’ ‘See you at breakfast.’
GIVEN that I’m now a familiar face to the kitchen staff, there’s no real need for me to go upstairs for breakfast, other than the fact that I don’t want to leave Benny on his own. However, five minutes after tucking into my pastries, I thoroughly regret my decision. ‘Any chance one of these seats is free?’ Jonas asks.
Given that the only reason they are is because our friends are dead, I don’t bother smiling at his attempt at a joke. ‘I think you’ll find there are plenty of other seats,’ Benny says. ‘Might even find one or two where you’re welcome. ’ ‘Benny, it’s fine,’ I say. ‘If this is where he wants to sit, then I’m not going to stop him. I’d hate him to feel pressured to do something he really doesn’t want to do.’ My less-than-subtle dig hits exactly as I hoped it would, and Jonas inhales stiffly. ‘How much did you tell him?’ Jonas asks, nodding at Benny. ‘Everything,’ Benny replies for me. ‘She told me every part. And guess what, I didn’t try to blackmail her because of it, because that’s not what friends do.’ ‘I wasn’t blackmailing her,’ Jonas hisses back as he sits down. ‘I was trying to help her. Long term. My proposal would keep her safe.’ ‘Well, your proposal sucked. And it sounds to me like you were trying to get one over on the prince by, well, literally getting one over on Rose.’ ‘This stops now, guys,’ I say, looking at them both. ‘We can’t do this.
The only reason we’ve got this far is because we’ve worked together. All of us. I don’t care that only one of us can win. We’re not going to end this thing by tearing each other apart. Not after everything we’ve been through.’ I turn to Jonas and lock my eyes with his. ‘It may have escaped your memory, but the only reason you’re still here is because Benny and I went back onto the ice to get you to the end of the third trial.’ ‘Not to mention Rose saved our arses against that kraken. Otherwise, neither of us would be here,’ Benny interjects.
I shoot him a quick smile. While I’m grateful for his support, there’s still more I’ve got to say to Jonas. ‘Jonas, I know, or at least I hope, that what you said to me yesterday was purely out of concern.’
‘It was—’ ‘I’m not done. As I said, I’m sure it came from a place of concern, and I am grateful that you worry about me. Truly. But like I’ve been saying since the beginning of the Retterheld, either I deserve to be here, deserve to earn the gifting, or I don’t. It was my decision to enter. My decisions that got me this far. If you don’t want to work together anymore, I understand, I really do, but if you do want our help, you don’t get to dictate to me anymore.
That’s not how friendship works. And if you can’t honour that, then I guess I got it right yesterday, and there was never friendship here at all.’ He exhales. ‘I know we’ve worked together this far, but now it’s the Ofur, the final task, where only one person can be gifted. That’s the whole point of the competition. I’m not going to turn on you, Rose, I promise that, but I think we should make an agreement now that this is where we stop actively helping each other. It’s the right thing to do.’ Benny looks at me. ‘Yep, do not accept the proposal.’ He turns his attention back to Jonas. ‘Of the people who die in the Ofur, eighty percent of them are killed by other Rettlings, not by the trial itself. You know that, right?’ Jonas grits his teeth. ‘Yes, I know that.’ ‘So why the hell would you not want to work together?’ ‘Because I want the gifting!’ Jonas nearly shouts. ‘If we work together, then how do we decide who gets it? We can’t, and that’s the truth.’ His chair scrapes against the floor as he stands up. ‘I can’t keep going around in circles with this. You two do whatever you want to do. But I’m out.’ His footsteps echo across the dining hall as he marches outside and towards the battle yard. ‘You know, there was actually a time when I thought that guy was hot,’ Benny mutters. ‘I really do have shit taste in men.’ ‘You really do. I’m going back down to the kitchens,’ I say, standing. ‘Catch you later.’ With Jonas heading out to train, I decide to go back to Kyor’s room. It’s not that I don’t feel safe – with so few of us left, Roderick has no issue siphoning everyone’s powers at once, meaning Zara can’t strike me with her magic. No, the reason I don’t want to train is something else entirely. I don’t admit as much to Benny, but the magic I used in the fourth trial took more out of me than I expected, and I’m still worn around the edges. I could do with at least another hour of sleep.
Given how few of us there are to feed, I expect the kitchen to be empty.
But instead, Leilah is still there. ‘Rose,’ she says. ‘Everything all right?’ She offers me a sad smile. It’s pretty much the only expression she’s offered me since telling me that the plans to get food out to the slums didn’t work. Of course I had to pick the ball when the rebels attacked to arrange my gift. She’s tried again since then, but apparently it’s been impossible to get permission for carriages to move between here and the slums. Clearly Korvane thinks the rebels all came from there. ‘Yes. Yes,’ I tell her. ‘Everything’s fine.’ ‘Good. I kept a couple of extra pastries for you.’ She gestures to a plate by her side. It’s piled high, the same way she always did for Kyor. ‘Thank you, that’s very kind. But you should take them. I had plenty.’ ‘Oh, I think you’ll want at least one of these. Why don’t you take a look?’ Intrigued, I look more closely at the plate of pastries and see the envelope folded beneath the delicacies.
Leilah smiles at me. ‘I should get going. Won’t be long until the lunch shift starts.’ ‘Thank you,’ I murmur. Picking up the plate, I head into Kyor’s room.
Once I’m alone, I set the plate down and snatch up the envelope.
My name, written in Kyor’s strong hand, is enough to make my heart clench. His penmanship leaves a little to be desired – given his artistic talent, I expected whorls and flourishes – but even so, the way the letters loop reminds me of the way his hands curved around me when he slept.
Yes, I’ve got it bad.
THORN, You’ve always had more strength in you than you realise. Don’t doubt it now. Do whatever it takes – fight, claw, endure – but above all, stay safe.
You’ve got this. I’ll be waiting when you win.
Yours always, K
YOURS ALWAYS. My eyes hold fast on the words.
Right now I don’t know if I have days, weeks, or months left in the Retterheld, or if my death will come in the Ofur or from having this forbidden magic running through my veins.
But none of it matters. Because Kyor is offering me always.
