Chapter 3
reams are dangerous things. Not because they may never come true, but because they might.D And if they do, you’ll look around, knowing you finally have everything you’ve ever hoped for, and realise it has fixed precisely nothing.
I realise now that chasing dreams is the way to an empty life. All you ever really have is the moment you are in.
When we were stripped of magic, I daydreamed constantly. I fantasised about the four of us returning home together. The more scared and hungry I was, the harder I imagined us here with warm fingers, full bellies, and an endless parade of choices stretching before us. What to eat, what to wear, and even how we lived our lives.
Now those choices are as useful as smoke in the air. What choice do I have now?
Even as the gifted, I can’t claim William as my brother. Not when the king ordered him dead. This time, Korvane would carry out the order himself.
He would kill William without a second thought and likely punish anyone who ever knew of my brother’s ongoing existence.
Without Kyor to defend my mother’s lack of wrongdoing at the queen’s labour, my brother is safer not knowing who he is. Yet the thought of not speaking to William, not knowing him as I should … it crushes me.
And Kay. What should I tell her?
If I don’t tell her, I will be complicit in the same cover-up that I screamed at Jonas for. I would be guilty of the same sin.
Yet if I do tell her, could she hide her knowledge of his heritage from William? From Artur? I am not so sure of her ability to hide anything from
anyone.
I’m not even sure who she is anymore.
I shielded her from as much as I could growing up, and now that stupidly trusting nature I nurtured has her carrying Hew’s child. And it’s not like she’s learned her lesson. Not if she genuinely believes this marriage to Artur is a good idea.
No, I can’t trust her judgement right now, and that means she cannot know. Not when it puts Florian – William, I correct myself – at risk.
It’s a whole fucking mess.
I am tired, wearier than I ever thought possible, and tonight I have the opportunity to have a bed of my own. The bed I dreamed of for years, with its soft mattress and enough pillows that we could build forts with them. I don’t know what kind of state it will be in now, but even covered in dust, it will be a thousand times better than what we had in the slums, and that thought is enough to pull me to my feet. I creak up the stairs, not caring about the darkness.
When I come to my childhood bedroom door, still painted with red roses, a sliver of light shines out from under it.
Summer, I think. It may be my house and my room, but I knock once all the same before I enter. ‘M’lady,’ she greets me as she finishes tucking some bedsheets around the bed. ‘I’ve done my best for now. More will need to be done in the morning, but you can rest here tonight. I trust I’ve made up the right room?
The flowers on the door …’ ‘Yes, thank you.’ Apparently, I have a maid with initiative and insight. I am grateful to Etta for that at least. ‘There’s some soup for you, just on the table there. I’m sorry I didn’t have time for bread. I wanted to find the sheets and make up the bed here. I’ll ensure I’m more ready for breakfast.’ She wrings her hands apologetically. ‘Shall I help you with your dress?’ With Jonas’s interruption, I didn’t change out of the dress as I’d intended, and I am still in the bloody ballgown that Thea laced me into.
Thea. I don’t know whether I should hate her or hug her. After all, she tried to warn me. Tried to tell me that Kyor was incapable of love. But I
didn’t listen.
I had to learn it from him instead.
I nod my head to Summer. ‘Yes, please. I don’t think I can get out of this
dress alone.’ Not without ripping it off, at any rate. And I’m honestly tempted to do just that, but in my mind’s eye Llin is wagging a finger at me, so I don’t.
Summer moves behind me, her nimble fingers quickly loosening the dress so I can finally breathe. I gratefully step out of the voluminous ballgown and into the nightgown that she holds out for me.
It’s one of Mother’s, one I remember well, and there’s a lump in my throat as I pull it on.
Mother has been gone for far too long for her scent to linger, yet somehow I swear that it does as notes of lavender and hibiscus flood my senses and warm my soul. Real or recalled, it does not matter.
Tears swell in my throat, but I swallow them down. Instead, I take a breath and try to be grateful for what I have. The room is warm, lit by candle and firelight, and there is food waiting for me.
It isn’t hard to recall the hard wooden pallet that passed for my bed in the slums, nor the way in which my breath plumed in the air as Kay and I desperately snuggled together for warmth. I also remember all too well the hollow of my stomach as I tried to sleep while my body begged for sustenance.
For a moment, I can almost hear the shrieks of slum life rattling outside
our thin, makeshift door.
I blink, and the moment is gone.
I am, unbelievably, back in the High Hold, back in our home, and I will not let what I have lost define me. Not now. ‘Thank you for tidying the room and for the soup,’ I say, offering Summer a smile. ‘It’s much appreciated. Make sure you eat plenty too. And I assume you’ve found a room for yourself?’ She nods easily. ‘Yes, m’lady. I found the servants’ quarters.’ ‘The servants’ quarters?’ As much as Kay and I loved to wander the house, the rooms at the top of the building were out of bounds to us.
Everybody deserved their privacy, according to my parents, including those who worked for us, and it was a rule they enforced. As such, I have no idea about the condition, size, or comfort of the servants’ quarters. ‘There are plenty of guest rooms on the third floor. Please take one of those, if you prefer,’ I tell her.
Summer smiles gently. ‘Thank you, but the room I have chosen is more than adequate. More than I am used to.’
‘You’re sure?’ ‘I am.’ She nods.
I don’t want to press the matter now, but I make a mental note to check in with her in the morning to ensure she slept okay. ‘In that case, you should eat and rest.’ A frown creases her brow. ‘Should I not wait up for Lady Acacia?’ she asks.
I sigh. Kay was spitting nails at me hours ago. If she were going to return home, I suspect she would have done so by now. No doubt she has instead
returned to her fiancé’s house.
The thought makes me shudder. ‘I don’t think that will be necessary,’ I reply. ‘I’ll fix her room up all the same,’ Summer says decisively. ‘That way it will be ready when she returns.’ Somehow, I have managed to land myself the hardest-working maid in all of Wrohelm. As she moves towards the door, I find myself filled with gratitude not to be rattling around in this massive house alone, even if I have
to pay for the privilege.
‘Thank you, Summer.’ She turns back and curtseys. ‘M’lady.’ ‘You don’t need to do that,’ I say. ‘You don’t need to curtsey to me.
Don’t need to call me “m’lady”. A few moons ago I lived in the slums. I was no one. Nothing.’ She looks at me fiercely. ‘No one is ever nothing.’ She curtseys again and
leaves, shutting the door behind her.
Well, that’s me told.
I crawl under the covers. The soft, oversized mattress is little comfort in comparison to the loneliness that permeates every part of my being, but it is
soft and warm.
Finally alone, I let myself feel.
As tears clog my eyes, my fingers stretch out onto the cold, empty side of the bed. In the safety of the darkness, I allow myself to imagine Kyor there beside me, the soft skin of his lips brushing against me as he whispers in my ear.
It’s so real that I can almost smell his vanilla scent sweeping through the room.
But it’s not real. Won’t ever be real again.
I close my eyes and surrender to tears as I remember how wonderful it was when I believed he loved me. When I believed that the gifting would solve all my problems and that the future would be easy.
WHEN I WAKE, it is with a cramp across my stomach and dryness in my throat. As I lie there, memories of the day before surface, but not the good ones. Not my powers being restored to me. Not stepping across the threshold of my home after years spent living in the slums. No, the memories that arise are the ones that cause my chest to tighten, as if crushing my heart might ease the pain. If only it were that simple.
I know it’s weak, allowing myself to be claimed as a victim of my grief, and yet I feel it happening. Feel the anger surging through me. I shift my position, only for my eyes to fall on the mantlepiece, onto a small carving of a dire wolf. I don’t know who it belonged to, whether it was mine or Kay’s or William’s, but it doesn’t matter. All I can think of now is my siblings. My pregnant, betrothed sister who will never live the life I fought for with blood, sweat, and friends’ lives to get for her, and my brother who can never know his true family.
A primal howl rips from my lungs, consumed with such magic that it tears through the wall in front of me. Literally. The crack is sharp but resonant as the brick splits and shifts.
Fuck! ‘No … no!’ I jump up, trying to stop the motion, but it’s too late. The crack fills with ice and extends downwards towards the window. My breath hitches, seizing inside me as I pray to the Gods it doesn’t bring the entire wall down, but it continues, though it is slowing and decreasing in force until, thankfully, it stops a few inches from the glass.
I drop down onto the bed, trembling. ‘What the fuck did I just do?’ From nearly killing Jonas to now this? My unwanted ice magic is far from gone, and these wild flare-ups are a whole different level of dangerous.
As I stare at the destruction I’ve caused, I can feel the way it’s draining the heat from the room. There’s no way this is a type of power I can allow anyone in the High Hold to learn about. ‘M’lady?’ Summer’s voice calls from outside the room. ‘Is everything
okay?’ The door handle twists and I dart across the room, blocking the door before she can step inside. ‘I heard a noise,’ the maid says through the door. ‘Yes, yes. I … I …’ My brain scrambles for an answer. ‘I was training.’ ‘Training?’ Confusion lilts in her tone. ‘Just habit from the Retterheld. You know, so I stay fit.’ ‘Oh, yes. Of course. I’m sorry. I’ll leave you to it.’ As I hear her footsteps trail down the hallway, a sigh of relief rattles from me and I glance back up at the crack in the wall, which seems to be stable.
That’s something, at least. Still, I can’t leave it like this. Inspiration strikes when I see an ivy plant nearby, and I use my magic to call to it, to make it grow and twine into the crack and surrounding masonry. At a glance, it will look as if the plant caused the damage, not the illegal ice magic which sprang from my fingers.
Despite the barefaced lie to Summer, or perhaps because of it, I find myself struck with a definite urge to begin training. My room is certainly large enough that I have space to start my day with footwork drills. As I said to Summer, the Retterheld is over and done, but I have no intention of letting the skills I built there slide.
Besides, moving is good. It gives me something else to focus on and slows the brain, and I need that now more than ever.
With my eyes closed, I allow my mind to be transported back to those early mornings in the battle yard, remembering the drills that Zelle pushed me through again and again. As my feet move through the motions, it’s as if I can hear the late commander’s corrections.
Feel Kyor’s hands on me, adjusting my stance.
I may be on my own, but I don’t go easy on myself. After the forms, I work on my strength, doing push-ups, crunches, and squats using a jug of water as a weight.
And a four-poster bed, it turns out, is great for pull-ups and chin dips.
Only when my body is slick with sweat and my breath is coming in wheezes do I stop to wash myself for the day.
Showering under hot water is one luxury I will never take for granted again. The pure pleasure of standing beneath a steady stream of heat and letting it sluice away the grime of a workout is a type of satisfying delight that even the adversities of the day before cannot strip from me.
Steam fogs the air as I scrub myself clean, grounding myself in the simple fact that I am here. That I am still standing. I am surviving. As I always do.
That fact is undeniable. Rose Kultavaris is a survivor.
Even if it feels like I am shattering, I will not break. I will not, damn it.
Pulling on fresh, clean clothes feels like another small luxury. I forgot the feeling of soft fabric against my skin, untainted by blood or sweat. In the last few days of the Retterheld, we all took to wearing our clothes constantly, even to bed, so we were ready when that damned bell sounded. I never imagined I would meet the Goddess in crusty clothes, but it was what it was.
For a few precious minutes, I can almost pretend that the world has not cracked open around me. Literally.
I go downstairs to the kitchen and sit at the long table that once upon a time held my family. But I turn away from the memories and make small talk with Summer while she cooks a ridiculous volume of breakfast. Whether she is the type of young woman who is not a fan of silence or is trying to fill it for my sake, I cannot tell, but she chatters away, telling me inconsequential stories from her past, and I let her natter on, grateful for the normality of it.
Grateful for anything that keeps me anchored to the moment and keeps my thoughts from spiralling back to all I learned the night before.
When breakfast is nearly ready, I leave Summer to lay it out in the dining room and head up to the room that used to be Kay’s. I hope that perhaps she slipped in without me noticing, but though the bed is made up, it has clearly not been slept in.
Trying to quash my disappointment at my sister’s absence, I make my way to the dining room, where the table is now laden with food. I sit just as the door chimes again. My heart leaps. At least Kay came back in time for breakfast. ‘I’ll get it!’ I call to Summer as I run to answer the door in a most unladylike manner. Certain it will be Kay ready to reconcile our differences, I throw open the door, only for my expression to drop. ‘Oh,’ I say, unable to hide my disappointment.
Benny – Earl of the Eastern Isles, to give him his proper title – grins, unperturbed by my lacklustre greeting. ‘Well, good to see you too, Rosey.
Any chance I can come in? It’s a little wet out here.’ He’s not wrong. It is pouring with rain, the droplets bouncing on the slabs of stone on the street. I look up at the peridot-tinged clouds and clench my jaw.
Kyor.
He’s making it rain.
Pounding anger throbs behind my temples. How dare he act like the wounded party here when I was the one who had my heart broken?
I hope he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.
Gritting my teeth against the rage that is suddenly ripping through me, I step back and let Benny in. ‘Sorry,’ I mutter. ‘I thought you were going to be Kay,’ I tell him. ‘She didn’t stay here last night.’ ‘She was probably celebrating until the early hours,’ he says, a yawn catching his face. ‘As I was. I celebrated hard for you, Rose.’ An unexpected smile rises on my lips. ‘What a good friend you are,’ I say drily.
Benny grins. ‘Aren’t I? I wanted to check you were okay before I left.
Those clouds outside have a familiar colour, and I thought it might have something to do with why you left your own party so damn sharpish.’ Fuck Kyor and his inclement pity party, I think before the first part of Benny’s statement penetrates my skull. ‘You’re leaving?’ I say, my breath hitching as I spin back to face him. ‘Already?’ His broad grin drops away, and his eyes are sad as they hold mine.
Reluctance is in every line of his frame. He doesn’t want to leave me either. ‘Yeah, I am. I’m due to catch a boat this evening. This is my last day on the mainland. I need to get back home. Obligations. Things to do.’ ‘Do these things have to do with the fact that no one from the Isles won the Retterheld?’ ‘Possibly …’ he admits sadly. He scrapes a smile onto his face and makes an effort to shake the melancholy away before it seizes him. ‘I’m so proud of you, Rose. A little jealous, yes, but damned proud.’ With a tilt of his head, he scans me up and down. ‘To be honest, I thought you’d be looking a bit
happier.’ I offer a wan smile. ‘Yeah, me too.’ ‘You want to talk about it?’ he asks. ‘I have time. I’m not Llin, but I reckon I can nod in the right places. Tell you what dicks men are. Myself excluded, obviously.’ ‘Obviously.’ This time the slightest form of a laugh manages to escape, and I purse my lips thoughtfully. ‘You know what, there is something you can help me with, actually. Come on.’ Without another word, I grab Benny’s hand and lead him into the dining
room. ‘You can help me eat some of this,’ I say, pointing at the table in the
centre of the room.
Benny grins. ‘Now that I can do.’ We dig in with gusto. ‘So what’s going on, Rose?’ Benny asks as he takes a bite of toast. ‘I expected the gifted to be celebrating in luxury. Either that or still in bed … with company.’ ‘Kyor and I are over,’ I start with. ‘And then there’s the little issue of —’ I stop myself just in time, amazed at how easily I was about to release the secret that my little brother was alive, given how it could lead to him being killed. ‘What is it?’ Benny frowns. ‘What’s the little issue?’ I shake my head, trying to shrug it off like it’s nothing. ‘It doesn’t matter.
Just Kay. That’s all. Things going on with her.’ It’s not a lie, but I still feel bad about only giving him half-truths. After all, things going on with Kay is a massive understatement. She might not get killed the way William would be if the truth came out about him, but she’d be stripped. Stripped of magic I’ve not even seen return to her yet.
There is one thing I can share with Benny though. Only him. And Gods know, I need to talk to someone about it. ‘There’s something else.’ I lower my voice, causing him to momentarily cease his masticating. ‘I lost control. I used my ice powers on Jonas.
Accidentally.’ ‘They’re not gone?’ he asks in surprise, but I’m glad that’s the question he chose. Not why I used them on our former ally. ‘Apparently not.’ ‘That’s not ideal,’ he mutters, running a hand through his hair. ‘No shit. I nearly killed him.’ As silence forms between us I pick up one of the many pastries still on the table. It tastes sublime and is easily as good as anything we had in the Retterheld, and yet my appetite has diminished substantially since we first sat down. Nothing like talk of betrayal at breakfast to really curb your appetite. ‘Listen, Rose.’ Benny leans forward and breaks the silence. ‘Come with me. You’d be more than welcome on the Isles. I know Llinos told you as much.’ I try to reciprocate his smile, but I can’t. As much as I would love to get
on that boat with him and forget that the High Hold even exists, there’s no way I can leave now. Not with things the way they are. Not with my brother and sister here. Besides, it’s not like the Isles are without pain. The memories of Llinos’s mother and her sister, Carys, holding me tight are buried in my bones now. To be on that land – her land – without her would be like feeling her loss over and over again. ‘Look,’ Benny says, catching my eye before I can reject his offer, ‘whatever’s going on with you and Kay, you’ll sort it. I’m sure of it. You won the freakin’ Retterheld for her, right?’ Before I can reply, the doorbell chimes, and we both automatically stiffen at the sound. ‘Sounds like the damned trial bell,’ I mutter.
I can’t help but hope it is Kay, even though I still have no idea what to say to her. ‘Damn sound gave me flashbacks,’ my friend says as I push my chair
back to stand.
I can hear Summer answering the door. ‘Lady Rose?’ the maid calls. A moment later she enters the room. ‘Sorry to interrupt, m’lady.’ She dips her head slightly in a sign of deference that I really do not need. ‘There’s a gentleman here to see you? He says he knows you.’ ‘A gentleman?’ My stomach clenches. If it were the prince, I’m sure she would have said as much, and she already knows who Jonas is. What other man could be calling?
Not one I want to see, is the immediate thought that enters my head. ‘What’s his name?’ I ask. ‘He wouldn’t give it. He said you’d be unlikely to believe it.’ ‘Sounds like a weirdo,’ Benny remarks. ‘You’ll get them all the time now that you’re the gifted. Best send him on his way.’ Benny knows more about this shit than I do, so I nod. ‘Just tell him to go.’ Summer starts to leave, only to hesitate and turn back. ‘M’lady … he did say something else. It was a little … odd.’ ‘Yes?’ ‘He said he hoped you weren’t too cold without him these last moons.’ ‘Sorry?’ ‘He said he hoped you weren’t too cold,’ she repeats, but I don’t actually
need her to say it again as I realise who is here.
My heart leaps in my chest.
There is only one person who would say that to me, but there is absolutely no way in hell that Ruben – my Ruben from the slums – could ever make it past all the guards on all of the rings and into the High Hold itself. And yet … I run out of the room. As I approach the front door, I freeze at the figure standing before me. Benny was like a breath of air after coming up from the kraken, and Ruben is the warm hug I so desperately need. ‘Hey, Rosey,’ he says, his face lifting into what is possibly the warmest, most welcome smile I have ever seen. ‘Did you miss me?’
