Chapter 44
’m not sure what awakens me – bad dreams, I suspect, from the way my heart throbs.I Maybe worry about Kay. Or Benny. Something heavy, that’s for sure.
And the sensation lingers there, only for a moment, before it fades again, stolen mostly by the cold.
I consider rolling over and trying to go back to sleep, but as I shift on my mat, I spot Caz sitting alone.
She’s on watch, so it’s hardly a surprise, but there’s something about the way she’s sitting with her shoulders bowed, her arms around her knees, staring into the dark as if she’s bracing for something terrible to come back out of it. And worse still, there’s a look in her eyes that tells me she might just accept it if it did.
Seeing that look on her face … I instantly give up on sleep. I get up, take my blanket with me, and settle down beside her.
Sometimes you don’t need words – you just need to know someone gives a fuck.
The fire has burned down to embers, and the night is cold enough that every breath feels difficult, like the air is slicing our lungs. There’s a pile of dry wood next to the pit. Moving forward, I grab a couple of branches and one heftier log, place them on the embers, then stoke them with a slow breath until the flames catch.
Once the fire is roaring again, I settle back by her side, shifting my blanket so it’s also across her knees. ‘I keep thinking I hear her,’ Caz whispers eventually. Her voice is flat, careful. ‘Like if I turn fast enough, she’ll be there, telling me I’m being an
idiot.’ I don’t need to ask who she’s speaking of. ‘Me too,’ I admit. ‘I know she’s gone,’ she says. ‘I know that. But when I think about … other things … it feels like a betrayal.’ ‘Other things?’ The way she speaks, it’s as if there’s another person she’s been thinking about, but given our situation, I can’t imagine who that would possibly be.
The thought enters my mind, only to be replaced by the image of Caz’s
smile when we returned to the Sannings.
Huh. ‘Thessa?’ I ask softly.
Her jaw clenches. ‘It’s too soon. Far too soon. I’d never do anything. But I’m letting Llin down just by talking to her. Looking at another woman like that. I’m betraying her with every breath I still have, while Llinos has none.’ I let her words sit in the darkness for a moment, so that when I speak, I pray she will listen. This moment is important. ‘Caroline, I know you lost a lot of years when the pair of you were apart and that she died way too soon after you got her back, but do you think, for even one second, that Llinos would begrudge you happiness, however and whenever it comes to you?’ Her bottom lip trembles and her control snaps. Tears start to stream down her face, and she gives a sharp shake of her head.
But even though she knows it’s true, it doesn’t make it easier; I get that.
Trying to reconcile the heart and mind can be like trying to get a dire wolf into a dog collar. Sometimes things just don’t go together, and if you try to force them, they’ll bite you.
I sit then and let the silence stretch, comforting and unjudging. Hopefully it’s enough for her to know that if she wants to talk, I’m here. And if not … well, I’m not going anywhere in that case either.
As the fire crackles and spits, I reach out and take her hand, lacing her fingers with mine, wondering if she might resist, but she doesn’t.
Caz has been through so fucking much. She deserves some happiness, even if she can’t see it right now.
I can’t even imagine how I’d feel if Kyor died. Just the thought sucker- punches me.
He may never forgive me, and we may be done, but to imagine a world without him in it – where he doesn’t fill every room with his ridiculous
charisma and arrogance – takes me back to that nightmare all over again. The one where I thought I’d lost him to the Rotting wound. And if he’d been taken from me before … In Caz’s shoes, I don’t think I’d be standing, let alone gallivanting across Morathka to help a friend.
Caz’s happiness is all Llin would have wanted; I’m sure as Rottings walk the earth.
You’re allowed to live, I think, not wanting to disturb her thoughts with words she’s not yet ready to hear. You’re allowed to feel more than one thing.
And liking Thessa is not a betrayal – it is living. Llinos wouldn’t want you to punish yourself. Llinos would want you to be happy. It’s all true, and I will her to feel my unspoken words, to somehow take them into her heart.
We remain there in silence, Caz fighting to reconcile her feelings and me hoping that my presence is enough for now.
As strange as it is, I find I’m grateful for that dream that woke me. For the weight that pressed down on me as I slept. Hopefully my presence has gone a little way towards easing Caz’s pain. ‘She wouldn’t want this,’ Caz murmurs, a shuddering breath rattling from her. ‘She wouldn’t want me punishing myself.’ ‘No,’ I agree softly. ‘She wouldn’t.’ Caz wipes her face, embarrassed to have let go in front of me. ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to —’ ‘You don’t have to apologise for missing her. Not ever.’ ‘Thank you.’ Sadness continues to glaze her eyes, but she tries to smile through it. ‘You’re good at this, you know. The whole comforting thing.’ ‘Thanks.’ I offer a matching half-smile in response. If I do have an ability to comfort, it’s a skill that’s been learned and learned recently. Learned through loss after loss. Truthfully, it’s one skill I would happily part with if it meant my life had taken a different route.
She gives a small nod, then glances at me, frowning slightly. ‘That was strange,’ she says. ‘For a second there, it felt like …’ She trails off, shaking her head. ‘Never mind. I’m just tired.’ ‘Sleep. I’ll take over now,’ I tell her, but the frown remains on her brow for a moment longer before she forces herself to smile. ‘Thank you, Rose. For everything.’ She stands up and walks over to the mat I vacated, taking her own blanket with her. I watch as she curls up to sleep, and I think that at least today I’ve been a good friend.
My eyes drift to Kyor, and his body is so rigid, it’s clear he’s not yet sleeping.
A good friend, I think, but a lousy true love.
QUARRELS ABOUT NAVIGATION start almost as soon as we rise. We are back to riding through Afaven Forest, but Kyor and Thessa have been quietly arguing about whether we should head west to Rowell or east to Dorain. For now, we head north until we decide what makes the most sense.
With no decision made, Kyor rides ahead, alone on Elska, while Benny’s new mare, being the most skittish around the wolf, is at the very rear. The space between them is something we’re all grateful for, though it does little to erase the tension rippling through the group as we ride.
Ruben rides next to Benny, carrying Loch with him, and Thessa and Caz are in front of them, deep in conversation.
Stide rides next to me, but by the time we stop for lunch, she still hasn’t said a word, though she did give me a tight nod, which was something.
After lunch, she tries a little more conversation. ‘The wolf man is angry,’ she begins. ‘Well, more angry than before,’ she amends.
Wolf man. It’s a step up from dog boy. Does that mean she’s softening towards him? Towards us?
I grimace. ‘Yes, he is. He’s not happy with Benny and me.’ I don’t offer the reason why, and I’m grateful when she doesn’t press. ‘Things will get better,’ she offers with surprising compassion. ‘I hope so.’ We lapse back into silence, though this time I’m grateful for it.
Later, as we sit for dinner, I go to the satchels to look through the food that the tavern owner supplied. To my dismay, I realise there’s lots of fresh fruit. Delicious, yes, but soft fruit will turn quickly.
There is far less bread and dried food than we need, and I want to hit myself for not checking the supplies before we left Galreck. ‘Most of the wood is damp,’ Benny says as he tries to make himself useful, collecting kindling for the fire. ‘Must have rained here last night. I’m not sure it’ll even burn.’ ‘I can dry it. Well, I can try,’ Ruben suggests.
‘You want a boost?’ I ask. ‘That’d be good.’ He nods. ‘You think you can do it again?’ ‘Only one way to find out.’ As it happens, it’s remarkably easy to transfer some magic to Ruben, although drying the wood isn’t quite as straightforward as he hoped, and the first two branches instantly end up as ash. But within a few more tries he’s got it down, and it doesn’t take long until a fire’s blazing.
Most of us huddle around it, desperate to get some warmth. The only one who remains on the edge is Kyor, as if our collective betrayals are contagious.
Part of me wants to beg him to join us. He shouldn’t suffer because of us, and that wound of his isn’t going to heal right if it’s seizing from the cold.
But he’s a grown man and it’s not like he’s going to listen to me. Still, once the rest of us are settled, I hand out some fruit. ‘We didn’t get the best supplies. Sorry,’ I confess, unsure why I’m apologising. He was the one to request supplies; he could have specified what we wanted, but I should have checked them. This was a joint fuck-up.
Kyor doesn’t respond. Clearly, he’s in no mood for conversation, especially with me.
I’m sure I’m not the only one wondering if Elska will be willing to hunt for us, but none of us are foolish enough to suggest such a thing just now.
Kyor’s pain is hers. Kyor’s hurt is hers. And Kyor’s anger … well, I’m willing to bet she’s got that and some more.
The wolf has definitely been giving me the cold shoulder today, along with her rider. I try to keep it off my face, how much it bothers me. So much for thinking the two of us were bonding. ‘I’ll sort my own food out,’ Kyor says as he stands up. ‘Elska wants to hunt. I’ll go with her.’ ‘Are you sure?’ I ask. ‘There’s plenty here that needs eating. And you need to keep up your strength.’ ‘So now you’re concerned for me?’ he grunts before turning and disappearing into the night.
My warm face reddens further. Nothing like airing your dirty laundry for all and sundry to see. ‘Seems to have forgotten that you nearly killed yourself riding through the night on a dire wolf to save his sorry arse,’ Ruben mutters.
He’s not wrong, but I get why Kyor is mad. I do. He told me he loved me,
then found me with the man responsible for killing Zelle. For threatening his entire kingdom. After what he went through with Thea, believing she loved him only to realise it was all a farce, I get why this pain cuts deep, but is it any deeper than the ways he’s cut me? The way he refused to clear my mother’s name?
I sigh. We both hold anger and hurt, though I seem to be the only one who’s trying to keep it together given there’s more at stake right now than broken hearts.
I pick up one of the peaches and take a large bite. Might as well build my strength while the food lasts. It’ll spoil if we don’t.
Everyone remains awkwardly silent after the exchange, but a moment later Benny stands up and takes a seat next to me. ‘Look, I’ve been thinking about this, and I know it’s not great for you personally right now, but maybe it’s an opportunity.’ ‘An opportunity?’ I question. ‘How?’ He nods and leans forward, eager. ‘Rose, you know better than anyone what it’s like for people out there. Common people. Folk in the slums. And now Kyor knows a little more about the rebellion, we can be more open.
With you on our side, more people will listen.’ I’m both impressed and irritated by his tenacity. ‘Benny, are you seriously trying to recruit me right now?’ Benny’s face hardens. ‘There is never an easy time to do what’s right. But I’ll do anything to stop his father from destroying our lands.’ I’m reminded of all the Eastern Isles lives lost in the Retterheld because they valued their community above their own lives. Every risk Benny takes is for them, yet he is here, riding to the Issen with me – not looking out for his people, but looking out for his friend.
I close my eyes against the sudden scratch in them. Against the guilt that roils within me. Every action I have taken has been selfish and to protect my family alone. Sure, I won the Retterheld, but the thought of sacrificing them, the way Benny did, requires a strength I know I don’t possess.
Nor do I want to.
But my selfishness runs deeper still. How many times did I promise myself I would help the slums, help my former neighbours, and what have I actually done? Given them a few supplies. Enough to last a couple of families a day, if that. It’s not enough. And I do want to do more. ‘Look, truthfully, I don’t know if Kyor’s even going to speak to me
again,’ I admit to Benny, quashing thoughts of the slums and my family. ‘Let alone listen to me about something like that. I’m not saying I won’t try, but now isn’t the time. We both need time to process.’ ‘Yeah, okay. I see that,’ he says, but I can see he’s disappointed.
As the others set up their mats in a circle around the fire and lie down for bed, I take the first watch.
Kyor’s still not back, and my previous thoughts of how he needs physical pain to dull the mental ones resurface. His injured shoulder has to be hurting him. Is that enough to keep him on the straight and narrow, or will he seek out more danger to feel alive?
A thousand images flit through my head, all of them involving him staggering through the forest, blood-soaked, alone, and close to death.
Knowing I won’t be able to sleep until Elska and Kyor return, I take the second watch as well. There’s no point in Ruben losing sleep too.
When the glowering eyes of the prince finally appear, everyone else is fast asleep. For a moment, we remain frozen, totally silent as we look at one another – me with pleading eyes, him with frosty ones.
Kyor drops down off Elska, sets out his mat, and lies down. His wolf immediately follows suit without giving me so much as a second glance.
Still, he can’t stop me from hearing the hiss escaping his lips.
Knowing I have some Robbard’s tincture left, I tiptoe to my bag to retrieve it. I pull it out and pad over quietly to offer it to him. ‘You know it helps,’ I whisper, holding the bottle out to him.
The muscle in his jaw feathers as he hesitates, but finally he grunts and takes it from me without so much as a thank you. Not that I expected one. ‘Two drops,’ I tell him.
Last time, I gave him six or seven, and as good as it was at relieving the pain, I don’t think he wants a repeat of the drug-induced confessions.
After taking the two drops, he sits up and holds the bottle out to me, but I shake my head. He may as well keep it. With a nod that might be gratitude but is probably just acceptance, he twists around and flinches again.
Instinctively I move towards him, only to back away again. ‘It’ll stop hurting soon,’ I assure him softly.
He scoffs in response. ‘The shoulder, maybe. What you’ve done … I doubt it.’ The words strike exactly where they’re meant to, stinging sharper than any blades of ice I could produce.
My mouth opens, ready to beg for forgiveness, when a groan breaks through the silence. ‘Rose? Why didn’t you wake me?’ Ruben moans as he rolls over. ‘Go to sleep. I’ll take over.’ I don’t respond. Instead, my eyes lock on Kyor’s, begging him to say something. Anything that shows he understands I didn’t want to hurt him.
That I would never deliberately hurt him. But instead, he rolls over so he’s no longer facing me.
For a moment longer I wait, my heart pounding in my throat as I pray that he’ll look back. But it’s not going to happen. I know it’s not. And so I leave Ruben to his watch, surprised when I slam straight into sleep.
The next morning we continue on in much the same way, only I pass Stide over to Ruben. It’s nothing against her; I’m just hoping I might be able to slip ahead and talk to Kyor in private.
But as the morning passes, every time I try, he either slows down so that we’re too close to the group for a private conversation or slips off the path and into the forest.
When we stop for lunch, he disappears entirely, presumably to hunt. As we eat the already softening fruit, Caz presses us to make some decisions on directions. ‘Benny was saying that the Vypash port can close when the weather’s bad. I didn’t realise Vypash closes.’ I hadn’t either. ‘What does that mean for us?’ I ask. ‘We can only get north of the lake by crossing it at the port,’ Benny explains. ‘I mean, it might be fine. Most of the time it’s fine. But we might have to wait a couple of days.’ ‘Or longer,’ Ruben adds. ‘How are you doing, Rose?’ He’s looking at me like my magic might go off at any moment, and that feels valid.
I’m aware that this is the longest I’ve gone without slipping or accidentally firing off ice magic, and it feels like I’m on borrowed time. ‘I’m fine.’ ‘Still,’ Ruben says gently, ‘hanging out in any highly populated area for any length of time feels like a bad move, so I suggest we go west via the Rowell route.’ ‘Yeah.’ Caz nods. ‘We can easily bypass the city itself, as long as we’re okay for supplies.’ ‘Why do we need to bypass Rowell?’ Ruben asks with a frown. ‘Besides the fact that I’m an accident waiting to happen, there’s also the
small matter that I killed Zara Duarte during the Retterheld. The Duartes are practically royalty there, and I’ve no doubt she sent letters home cursing the runt who survived when her brother didn’t. Not to mention the injuries I caused before I killed her …’ I shrug. ‘Definitely best we avoid Rowell. It’s safe to say I don’t think I’m the gifted they wanted.’ Ruben looks astonished at my admission, while Stide looks impressed.
Caz grins. ‘Yep, our Rose is a total badass.’ To be fair, they haven’t seen much of that side of me. Mostly I’ve just been a raging magical liability. ‘So we’re agreed?’ I say, keen to keep moving forward. ‘We go the
Rowell route?’ Everyone nods. ‘Okay, I guess one of us should tell Kyor,’ I suggest. ‘Step forward if you volunteer.’ As one – as if they planned it – the group steps back, leaving me on my own. ‘Like we were just saying, you’re the badass.’ Benny grins. ‘And you’re the love of his life. And besides, he wants me dead.’ ‘He won’t kill you now. If he was going to, he would have done it back in Galreck.’ I look at the Quiet Ones. ‘Why can’t one of the Sannings tell him?’ I suggest, only for Stide to laugh, sharp and unrestrained. ‘The Rose is funny,’ she says, grinning widely. ‘She has such humour.’ Grimacing, I scan across the rest of them. Ruben, who’s looking at me with raised eyebrows, and Stide, who’s picking nonchalantly at her nails next to Thessa. Loch is pointedly chewing on an apple core, even though he’s down to the pips. Caz and Benny are looking anywhere but at me. ‘Fine. I’ll tell him as soon as he gets back,’ I assure them.
Annoyingly, that happens to be the very moment Elska’s soft, padded footsteps stalk out of the trees in front of me. While I can’t see Kyor, I don’t doubt he’s not far behind. ‘No time like the present,’ Benny mutters.
With a flick of my wrists I send a vine up and around his legs. His eyes widen in shock, but the grip is loose and he pulls himself free easily enough. ‘I was just saying,’ he mumbles, holding his hands up in mock-surrender. ‘Well, don’t.’ The moment the dire wolf sees me walking towards her, Elska drops her shoulders and growls.
But rather than recoil, I look her straight in the eye. ‘Oh fuck off,’ I snap.
‘I didn’t know about the rebels for long. I’m not the bad guy here. If anything, that’s Benny.’ ‘Hey!’ Benny objects loudly, as I quite literally throw him to the wolves.
Elska’s ringed eyes widen momentarily before she responds with the type of menace that used to turn my insides into liquid. Spittle drips from her muzzle as she bares her teeth at me. One snap and I’d lose an arm or worse.
But … I’ve slept against her, she’s kept me safe, and together we worked hard to save his life. ‘You know I wouldn’t ever hurt him. Let me speak to him. Now.’ I stare at her, hands on my hips, and she huffs out a breath at me. ‘You know she doesn’t understand every word you say,’ Kyor interjects, appearing at her side and rolling up his sleeve as he leans against a tree.
There’s something so casual about that action. As if he isn’t the single deadliest fighter I’ve ever seen. Or at least he was. With his arm still healing, only time will tell if he can reclaim that title.
Still, my heart skitters at the sight of him and the fact that he’s speaking directly to me, but I force myself to stay focused. ‘She understood what I meant,’ I respond. ‘She got the gist.’ I look the wolf in the eye and offer her a brief nod.
With a slight sniff, her mouth closes and the snarling stops, and a feeling close to satisfaction grips me. I raise my hand to stroke her as a sign of goodwill. The growl is instant. I hurriedly pull back. ‘Okay, not at the stroking stage yet,’ I say, retreating. ‘Good to know.’ I turn away only to remember the entire reason I had to come over here. ‘We’re going west to Rowell,’ I say, looking straight at Kyor. ‘Why?’ he questions, face unreadable. ‘Because of the boats or something. Something about Vypash. Anyway, that’s the group consensus, so that’s the way we’re going. You should let her know,’ I add with a nod to Elska. With that, I turn around and walk away.
One step at a time. That’s all I’m going for.
And now that I’ve made the first one, maybe he’ll make the second.
