Violet Bent Backwards Over the Grass — Chapter no 3

What happened when I left you

Perfect petals punctuate the fabrics yellow blue silver platters with strawberries strewn across the room

In Zimmerman with sandals on one summer dress to choose

Three girls

eyes rolled

loud laughter dust specks lit by afternoon

My life is sweet like lemonade now there’s no bitter fruit

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind no thought of you

My thoughts have changed

my voice is higher now i’m over u

No flickering in my head movies projected in Bellevue

Because I captured the mood of my wish fulfilled and sailed to Xanadu

The grief that came in waves that rolled I navigated through

The fire from my wish as wind to a future trip to Malibu

now everything I have is perfect nothing much to do

just perfect florals

green embroidered chairs one dress to choose

LA Who am I to Love You?

LA, I’m from nowhere who am I to love you LA, I’ve got nothing who am I to love you

when I’m feeling this way

and I’ve got nothing to offer

LA

not quite the city that never sleeps

not quite the city that wakes

But the city that dreams for sure if by dreams you mean nightmares.

LA

I’m a dreamer but I’m from nowhere who am I to dream

LA

I’m upset!

I have complaints!

Listen to me They say I come from money and I didn’t and I didn’t even have love and it’s unfair

LA I sold my life rights for a big check but now I can’t sleep at night and I don’t know why plus I love Saks so why did I do that when I know it won’t last

LA I picked San Francisco because the man who doesn’t love me lives there

LA!

I’m pathetic

but so are you can I come home now?

Daughter to no one table for one party of thousands of people I don’t know at Delilah

where my ex-husband works

I’m so sick of this But

Can I come home now?

Mother to no one private jet for one back home to the Tudor house that borne a thousand murder plots Hancock Park treated me very badly I’m resentful.

The witch on the corner the neighbor nobody wanted the reason for Garcetti’s extra security.

LA!

I know I’m bad but I have nowhere else to go can I come

home now?

I never had a mother

will you let me make the sun my own now and the ocean my son I’m quite good at tending to things despite my upbringing Can I raise your mountains?

I promise to keep them greener make them my daughters teach them about fires warn them about water

I’m lonely LA can I come home now?

I left my city for San Francisco I’m writing from the golden gate bridge but it’s not going as planned I took a free ride off a billionaire and brought my typewriter and promised myself I would stay

but it’s just not going the way I thought

it’s not that I feel different and I don’t mind that it’s not hot

it’s just that I belong to no one, which means

there’s only one place for me

the city not quite awake the city not quite asleep the city that’s something else- something in between

the city that’s still deciding

how good it should be and also

I can’t sleep without you

No one’s ever really held me like you not quite tightly but certainly I feel your body next to me

smoking next to me vaping lightly next to me and I love that you love the neon lights

like me Orange in the distance. We both love that and I love that we have that in common.

Also neither one of us can go back to New York.

For you, are unmoving.

As for me, it won’t be my city again until I’m dead.

Fuck the New York Post!

LAAAAA!

Who am I to need you when I’ve needed so much asked for so much what i’ve been given I’m not yet sure I may never know that either until I’m dead.

For now though what I do know is that I don’t deserve you- not you at your best, in your splendor with towering

eucalyptus trees that sway in my dominion Not you at your worst- totally on fire, unlivable unbreathable.

I don’t deserve you at all

You see- You have a mother

A continental shelf a larger piece of land from you came

And I am an orphan a little seashell that rests upon your native shores one of many that’s for sure but because of that I surely must love you closely to the most out of anyone.

For that reason-

Let me love you don’t mind my desperation let me hold you not just for vacation but for real and forever Make it real life, let me be a real wife to you.

Girlfriend, lover, mother, friend.

I adore you Don’t be put off by my quick-wordedness I’m generally quite quiet, quite a meditator actually I’ll do very well down by Paramahansa Yogananda’s

Realization center I’m sure.

I promise you’ll barely even notice me

unless you want to notice me

unless you prefer a rambunctious child in which case I can turn it on too!

I’m good on the stage as you may know, you may have heard of me?

So either way I’ll fit in just fine so just love me by doing nothing except for perhaps by not shaking the county line.

I’m yours if you’ll have me

quietly or loudly

sincerely your daughter

regardless you’re mine.

i measure time by the days i’ve spent away from you

that thought occurred to me as i watched the sky go dark from blue