Our Wives Under The Sea — Chapter no 34

Leah.

Matteo in his circle of torches on the main deck, blinking towards the windows. I came in from the rear chamber, wanting to ask how long he had let me sleep and aware it would be pointless to do so. He didn’t acknowledge my presence, barely moving when I opened my mouth to speak.

“I could make you some coffee,” I said when several moments had passed and neither of us had said anything. Now that I think about it, I’m not at all sure how long it had been since I’d last spoken. Since Jelka, Matteo’s and my cohabitation had receded to something empty, quiet for the most part. We moved around each other, gave each other a wide berth, as if still trying to factor Jelka into the space she had vacated. Sometimes, when I was in my bunk, I would slit one eye open and watch him without knowing why.

“You shouldn’t keep sitting like that,” I said; when he didn’t respond, gesturing to his crossed legs, the awkward hump of his back and neck, “Bad for your posture.”

I don’t know why I said this, really. All of us (both of us, I should say) had been cooped up so long that it seemed impossible to imagine our bodies looking the same as they had done on first immersion. Cramped living conditions, cramped bunks, air that was only rendered breathable by a trick of machinery. Sometimes I would catch my reflection in the windows and imagine I saw myself concertinaed by pressure, bent double, distorted out of any recognisable shape. This image would usually correct itself on second inspection, though not always. Lately, in fact, it was getting harder to see myself without the trace of something fundamentally unpleasant sketched over the top.

Matteo still wasn’t responding to me, though he briefly leaned over as if to correct the alignment of one of the torches, then seemed to think better of it. I experienced an impulse to kick out at the torch nearest to me, sweeping a hole through the charm he imagined the circle cast, though I didn’t do this.

“I should probably make something to eat,” I tried again, when Matteo still chose to say nothing. I looked at the side of his face, the impassive expression, and felt briefly overwhelmed by rage. I’m not sure what this feeling was about, exactly, whether it was purely to do with Matteo ignoring me or rather a little of everything: the dark, the blank, the impossibility, the sheer pointlessness of everything we had been so far been forced to endure. I looked towards the window, caught the bent, unhappy line of the thing that seemed to be my reflection and then closed my eyes quickly, thought about Miri instead. I wanted, as it suddenly occurred to me, to be hugged more desperately than I had possibly ever wanted it. I wanted to fit my head into the crook of her neck and feel her move her fingers through my hair.

“How will we ever explain this,” I said, after another long moment. I meant Jelka, I suppose, but perhaps again I also meant a little of everything.

I tried to picture explaining all that had happened to Miri, taking out all the small observations I’d stored up for her and laying them down in a line, but when I did so the scene wouldn’t run correctly. The imaginary me opened her mouth and produced only a strange, whaling ocean sound and the imaginary Miri couldn’t be made to understand.

It was at this point that Matteo hung his head, his first movement that seemed to indicate that he had heard me speaking. He didn’t say anything, though his shoulders moved a little, and after a long minute he moved to one side, gesturing for me to step inside his circle of torches. I came and sat beside him, our sides not quite touching, and we stayed like that for a long time before getting up again and going on as we had before. It was quiet – no sound and no voice within that sound, as though something were taking a breath. Time passed, I’m not sure how much of it, and for a long time nothing happened.

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