How to Feel You Have Value
YOUTH: So concretely speaking, how does one go about this? One cannot praise, and one cannot rebuke. What other words and choices are there?
PHILOSOPHER: Think about a time when you’ve had help in your work—not from a child but from a partner who is your equal—and you will probably see the answer right away. When a friend helps you clean your home, what do you say to him?
YOUTH: I say, “Thank you.”
PHILOSOPHER: Right. You convey words of gratitude, saying thank you to this partner who has helped you with your work. You might express straightforward delight: “I’m glad.” Or you could convey your thanks by saying, “That was a big help.” This is an approach to encouragement that is based on horizontal relationships.
YOUTH: That’s all?
PHILOSOPHER: Yes. The most important thing is to not judge other people.
“Judgment” is a word that comes out of vertical relationships. If one is building horizontal relationships, there will be words of more straightforward gratitude and respect and joy.
YOUTH: Hmm, your point that judgment is created by vertical relationships certainly seems to be true. But what about this? Could the words “thank you” actually have such a great power as to be able to bring back courage? After all, I
think I’d prefer to be praised, even if the words I hear are ones that come from vertical relationships.
PHILOSOPHER: Being praised essentially means that one is receiving judgment from another person as “good.” And the measure of what is good or bad about that act is that person’s yardstick. If receiving praise is what one is after, one will have no choice but to adapt to that person’s yardstick and put the brakes on one’s own freedom. “Thank you,” on the other hand, rather than being judgment, is a clear expression of gratitude. When one hears words of gratitude, one knows that one has made a contribution to another person.
YOUTH: So even if you’re judged as “good” by another person, you don’t feel that you’ve made a contribution?
PHILOSOPHER: That’s right. This is a point that will connect to our subsequent discussion as well—in Adlerian psychology, a great deal of emphasis is given to “contribution.”
YOUTH: Why is that?
PHILOSOPHER: Well, what does a person have to do to get courage? In Adler’s view, “It is only when a person is able to feel that he has worth that he can possess courage.”
YOUTH: When a person is able to feel that he has worth?
PHILOSOPHER: Do you recall when we were discussing the feeling of inferiority that I spoke of this as being an issue of subjective worth? Is one able to feel one has worth, or does one feel one is a worthless being? If one is able to feel one has worth, then one can accept oneself just as one is and have the courage to face one’s life tasks. So the issue that arises at this point is how on earth can one become able to feel one has worth?
YOUTH: Yes, that’s it exactly! I need you to explain that very clearly, please.
PHILOSOPHER: It’s quite simple. It is when one is able to feel “I am benecial to the community” that one can have a true sense of one’s worth. This is the answer that would be oered in Adlerian psychology.
YOUTH: That I am benecial to the community?
PHILOSOPHER: That one can act on the community, that is to say, on other people, and that one can feel “I am of use to someone.” Instead of feeling judged by another person as “good,” being able to feel, by way of one’s own subjective viewpoint, that “I can make contributions to other people.” It is at that point that, at last, we can have a true sense of our own worth. Everything we have been discussing about community feeling and encouragement connects here.
YOUTH: Hmm. I don’t know, it’s starting to get a bit confusing.
PHILOSOPHER: We are getting to the heart of the discussion now. Please stick with me awhile longer. It is about having concern for others, building horizontal relationships, and taking the approach of encouragement. All these things connect to the deep life awareness of “I am of use to someone,” and in turn, to your courage to live.
YOUTH: To be of use to someone. That is what my life is worth living for…?
PHILOSOPHER: Let’s take a little break. Would you like some coee?
YOUTH: Yes, please.
The discussion of community feeling had become more confusing than ever. One must not praise. And one must not rebuke, either. All words that are used to judge other people are words that come out of vertical relationships, and we need to build horizontal relationships. And it is only when one is able to feel that one is of use to someone that one can have a true awareness of one’s worth. There was a major aw in this logic
somewhere. The young man felt it instinctively. As he sipped the hot coee, thoughts of his grandfather crossed his mind.
