Do Not Live to Satisfy the
Expectations of Others
PHILOSOPHER: Being recognized by others is certainly something to be happy about. But it would be wrong to say that being recognized is absolutely necessary. For what does one seek recognition in the rst place? Or, to put it more succinctly, why does one want to be praised by others?
YOUTH: It’s simple. It’s through being recognized by others that each of us can truly feel we have value. It is through recognition from others that one becomes able to wipe away one’s feelings of inferiority. One learns to have condence in oneself. Yes, it’s an issue of value. I think you mentioned it last time: that the feeling of inferiority is an issue of value judgment. It’s because I could never get recognition from my parents that I have lived a life tainted by feelings of inferiority.
PHILOSOPHER: Now let’s consider a familiar setting. For example, let’s say you’ve been picking up litter around your workplace. The thing is, no one seems to notice at all. Or if they do, no one has given you any appreciation for what you’ve done, or even said a single word of thanks. Well, will you keep on picking up litter from now on?
YOUTH: That’s a dicult situation. I suppose that if no one appreciates what I’m doing, I might stop.
PHILOSOPHER: Why?
YOUTH: Picking up litter is for everyone. If I’m rolling up my sleeves and getting it done, but I don’t get a word of thanks? I guess I’d probably lose my motivation.
PHILOSOPHER: This is the danger of the desire for recognition. Why is it that people seek recognition from others? In many cases, it is due to the inuence of reward-and-punishment education.
YOUTH: Reward-and-punishment education?
PHILOSOPHER: If one takes appropriate action, one receives praise. If one takes inappropriate action, one receives punishment. Adler was very critical of education by reward and punishment. It leads to mistaken lifestyles in which people think, If no one is going to praise me, I won’t take appropriate action and If no one is going to punish me, I’ll engage in inappropriate actions, too. You already have the goal of wanting to be praised when you start picking up litter. And if you aren’t praised by anyone, you’ll either be indignant or decide that you’ll never do such a thing again. Clearly, there’s something wrong with this situation.
YOUTH: No! I wish you wouldn’t trivialize things. I’m not arguing about education. Wanting to be recognized by people you like, to be accepted by people close to you, is a normal desire.
PHILOSOPHER: You are badly mistaken. Look, we are not living to satisfy other people’s expectations.
YOUTH: What do you mean?
PHILOSOPHER: You are not living to satisfy other people’s expectations, and neither am I. It is not necessary to satisfy other people’s expectations.
YOUTH: That is such a self-serving argument! Are you saying one should think only about oneself and live self-righteously?
PHILOSOPHER: In the teachings of Judaism, one nds a view that goes something like this: If you are not living your life for yourself, then who is going to live it for you? You are living only your own life. When it comes to who you are living it for, of course it’s you. And then, if you are not living your life for yourself, who could there be to live it instead of you? Ultimately, we live thinking about “I.”
There is no reason that we must not think that way.
YOUTH: So you are aicted by the poison of nihilism, after all. You say that, ultimately, we live thinking about “I”? And that that’s okay? What a wretched way of thinking!
PHILOSOPHER: It is not nihilism at all. Rather, it’s the opposite. When one seeks recognition from others, and concerns oneself only with how one is judged by others, in the end, one is living other people’s lives.
YOUTH: What does that mean?
PHILOSOPHER: Wishing so hard to be recognized will lead to a life of following expectations held by other people who want you to be “this kind of person.” In other words, you throw away who you really are and live other people’s lives.
And please remember this: If you are not living to satisfy other people’s expectations, it follows that other people are not living to satisfy your expectations. Someone might not act the way you want him to, but it doesn’t do to get angry. That’s only natural.
YOUTH: No, it is not! That is an argument that overturns our society from its very foundation. Look, we have the desire for recognition. But in order to receive recognition from others, rst we have to recognize others ourselves. It is because one recognizes other people and other systems of values that one is recognized by others. It is through this relationship of mutual recognition that our very society is built. Your argument is an abhorrent, dangerous way of thinking, which will drive human beings into isolation and lead to conict. It’s a diabolical solicitation to needlessly stir up distrust and doubt.
PHILOSOPHER: Ha-ha, you certainly have an interesting vocabulary. There’s no need to raise your voice—let’s think about this together. One has to get recognition, or one will suer. If one doesn’t get recognition from others and from one’s parents, one won’t have condence. Can such a life be healthy? So one could think, God is watching, so accumulate good deeds. But that and the nihilist view that “there is no God, so all evil deeds are permitted” are two sides of the same coin. Even supposing that God did not exist, and that we could not gain recognition from God, we would still have to live this life. Indeed, it is in order to overcome the nihilism of a godless world that it is necessary to deny recognition from other people.
YOUTH: I don’t care for all this talk about God. Think more straightforwardly and more plainly about the mentality of real, everyday people. What about the desire to be recognized socially, for example? Why does a person want to climb the corporate ladder? Why does a person seek status and fame? It’s the wish to be recognized as somebody important by society as a whole—it’s the desire for recognition.
PHILOSOPHER: Then, if you get that recognition, would you say that you’ve really found happiness? Do people who have established their social status truly feel happy?
YOUTH: No, but that’s…
PHILOSOPHER: When trying to be recognized by others, almost all people treat satisfying other people’s expectations as the means to that end. And that is in accordance with the stream of thought of reward-and-punishment education that says one will be praised if one takes appropriate action. If, for example, the main point of your job turns out to be satisfying other people’s expectations, then that job is going to be very hard on you. Because you’ll always be worried about other people looking at you and fear their judgment, and you are repressing your “I-ness.” It might come as a surprise to you, but almost none of my clients who come for counseling are selsh people. Rather, they are suering
trying to meet the expectations of other people, the expectations of their parents and teachers. So, in a good way, they can’t behave in a self-centered fashion.
YOUTH: So I should be selsh?
PHILOSOPHER: Do not behave without regard for others. To understand this, it is necessary to understand the idea in Adlerian psychology known as “separation of tasks.”
YOUTH: Separation of tasks? That’s a new term. Let’s hear about it.
The youth’s irritation had reached its peak. Deny the desire for recognition?
Don’t satisfy other people’s expectations? Live in a more self-centered way?
What on earth was this philosopher saying? Isn’t the desire for recognition itself people’s greatest motivator for associating with each other and going about the formation of society? The youth wondered, What if this “separation of tasks” idea doesn’t win me over? I won’t be able to accept this man, or Adler for that matter, for the rest of my life.
