Don’t Fall for the “Life-Lie”
YOUTH: Ah, it’s getting confusing again. You said that I see other people as enemies and can’t think of them as comrades because I’m running away from my life tasks. What was that supposed to mean, anyway?
PHILOSOPHER: Suppose, for instance, that there is a certain Mr. A whom you don’t like because he has some aws that are hard to forgive.
YOUTH: Ha-ha, if we’re looking for people I don’t like, there’s no shortage of candidates.
PHILOSOPHER: But it isn’t that you dislike Mr. A because you can’t forgive his aws. You had the goal of taking a dislike to Mr. A beforehand and then started looking for the aws to satisfy that goal.
YOUTH: That’s ridiculous! Why would I do that?
PHILOSOPHER: So that you could avoid an interpersonal relationship with Mr.
A.
YOUTH: No way, that’s completely out of the question. It’s obvious that the order of things is backward. He did something I didn’t like, that’s why. If he hadn’t, I’d have no reason for taking a dislike to him.
PHILOSOPHER: No, you are wrong. It’s easy to see if you think back on the example of separating from a person whom one has been in a love relationship with. In relationships between lovers or married couples, there are times when,
after a certain point, one becomes exasperated with everything one’s partner says or does. For instance, she doesn’t care for the way he eats; his slovenly appearance at home lls her with revulsion, and even his snoring sets her o.
Even though until a few months ago, none of it had ever bothered her before.
YOUTH: Yes, that sounds familiar.
PHILOSOPHER: The person feels this way because at some stage she has resolved to herself, I want to end this relationship, and she has been looking around for the material with which to end it. The other person hasn’t changed at all. It is her own goal that has changed. Look, people are extremely selsh creatures who are capable of nding any number of aws and shortcomings in others whenever the mood strikes them. A man of perfect character could come along, and one would have no diculty in digging up some reason to dislike him. That’s exactly why the world can become a perilous place at any time, and it’s always possible to see everyone as one’s enemies.
YOUTH: So I am making up aws in other people just so that I can avoid my life tasks, and further more, so I can avoid interpersonal relationships? And I am running away by thinking of other people as my enemies?
PHILOSOPHER: That’s right. Adler called the state of coming up with all manner of pretexts in order to avoid the life tasks the “life-lie.”
YOUTH: Okay…
PHILOSOPHER: Yes, it’s a severe term. One shifts one’s responsibility for the situation one is currently in to someone else. One is running away from one’s life tasks by saying that everything is the fault of other people, or the fault of one’s environment. It’s exactly the same as with the story I mentioned earlier about the female student with the fear of blushing. One lies to oneself, and one lies to the people around one, too. When you really think about it, it’s a pretty severe term.
YOUTH: But how can you conclude that I am lying? You don’t know anything about what kind of people I have around me, or what kind of life I lead, do you?
PHILOSOPHER: True, I don’t know anything about your past. Not about your parents, or your elder brother either. I know only one thing.
YOUTH: What’s that?
PHILOSOPHER: The fact that you—and no one else—are the one who decided your lifestyle.
YOUTH: Argh!
PHILOSOPHER: If your lifestyle were determined by other people or your environment, it would certainly be possible to shift responsibility. But we choose our lifestyles ourselves. It’s clear where the responsibility lies.
YOUTH: So you’re out to condemn me. But you’re calling people liars and cowards. And saying that everyone is my responsibility.
PHILOSOPHER: You must not use the power of anger to look away. This is a very important point. Adler never discusses the life tasks or life-lies in terms of good and evil. It is not morals or good and evil that we should be discussing, but the issue of courage.
YOUTH: Courage again!
PHILOSOPHER: Yes. Even if you are avoiding your life tasks and clinging to your life-lies, it isn’t because you are steeped in evil. It is not an issue to be condemned from a moralistic standpoint. It is only an issue of courage.
