18. The Weight of Secrets
Ace left about twenty minutes earlier, and I was still lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling as I tried to process what the fuck my life had become. Everything was a mess.
I squeezed my eyes shut as I thought of Ace telling me he wasn’t going to touch me in a sexual way again unless I asked him to.
While that brought me some relief, I knew that wasn’t totally what I wanted.
When I said he couldn’t touch me like that without any explanation, I meant exactly that. Touch me but tell me why.
Tell me why you’re doing it, what’s going through your head—that you think I’m beautiful, that you like the way my skin feels against yours, that you want to be more than just friends.
Tell me you want to be with me.
Somehow, though, I knew he would never say those things to me. Ace saw me as the girl he grew up with. He was attracted to me physically—that much was obvious— but nothing beyond that.
Wouldn’t he have told me by now if there was something more between us?
Maybe someday I would tell Ace how I really felt about him. I just had to build up enough courage.
So what if he laughed in my face when I told him I liked him, then flat-out rejected me? So what if it ruined our relationship and I only saw him in passing from that point on?
Worse things have happened, right?
Nope. Worse things had definitely not happened. Not to me at least. Nothing would be worse than losing Ace.
So that was it. I couldn’t risk ruining our relationship. I would just never tell him how I felt.
But could I really go on like this? With this weird chemistry between us? Would I be able to stand off to the side when he started dating other girls?
I groaned and sat up in bed, not wanting to think about it anymore.
I rolled my stiff neck, noticing that it was strangely burning hot. It was a weird sensation, not painful, but also unlike anything I had ever felt before. It actually felt kind of…good?
The heat was focused on a single spot on my right side, between my neck and shoulder, which just so happened to be Ace’s favorite spot to leave hickeys.
I frowned. Did he do something to me last night in my sleep?
I pushed myself off my bed and walked to the full-length mirror in the corner of my room. After touching the scar on my forehead out of habit, I tilted my head to the side to inspect my neck.
There, in the exact spot that was tingling, at the center of the purple bruise, was a small raised bump. I gasped. That was definitely new.
When I touched it, an electric current erupted under my skin. My knees weakened, and I stumbled forward, the air fleeing my lungs.
I looked back at the small bump. It was redder than before.
Well, that’s weird, I thought. That was quite the physical reaction to such a small mark. That couldn’t be a good sign, right?
I briefly considered going downstairs and showing my mom to see if she had any answers, but I was more than a little embarrassed that it was covered with Ace’s dark hickey. e ceiling as I tried And so, I adjusted the collar of my shirt so the bump was covered, shivering when the fabric brushed against it and caused more sparks.
I shook my head. I was probably getting worked up over nothing. It was probably just a cyst or something.
I’ll ask Ace about it later. Or go to the doctor if it gets worse. at. Touch me but I took a moment to study myself in the mirror, smoothing my hands down my waist and hips.
My light brown hair fell down my back in loose waves, and I was still only wearing Ace’s shirt and my underwear, so my pale legs and arms were on display.
I had never been a super self-conscious person. I never had a reason to dislike the way that I looked.
But now…I wasn’t so sure.
As hard as I tried not to, I couldn’t help but compare myself to Clara, just because she was the girl that Ace might like. She looked absolutely nothing like me.
We both had brown hair and brown eyes and would probably be considered conventionally attractive, sure, but that was where the similarities ended. Other than that, we were almost complete opposites.
She was tall and lean and very athletic. She looked like she should be running track.
Or maybe modeling. Her body reminded me of a Victoria’s Secret model.
Meanwhile, I was on the shorter side and had curves for days. Large breasts and wide hips gave me an hourglass figure that my mom once told me reminded her of Marilyn Monroe.
And recently, I had become curvier still. I wasn’t sure if I was gaining weight or just maturing, but I had developed stretch marks over my hips and breasts to prove it.
I didn’t mind though. My curves had never bothered me, and I didn’t mind getting more.
Well, until now.
I didn’t doubt my self-worth or beauty. But if Clara was the kind of girl Ace wanted to be with, then I was definitely not.
Suddenly, two big arms wrapped around my arms from behind.
I jumped and screeched in fear.
“Ace!” I yelled, meeting his eyes through the reflection in the mirror. “You scared me!”
He was wearing different clothes, and his hair was wet from showering; he had obviously gone home, like he’d said. I just couldn’t believe how fast he’d been. I had only just gotten out of bed.
He chuckled and leaned his chin on my shoulder, smiling at me brightly. I swallowed when I noticed the bump on my neck starting to throb.
“It didn’t take me long to get ready,” he explained. “So, I rushed back.”
“Uh, yeah, you were barely even gone for half an hour. We still have time before we have to leave for school.”
“I’ll just hang out here while you get ready.” He shrugged. “Why were you frowning just now?”
Shit, was I? I didn’t even notice.
My body stiffened. “I wasn’t frowning.” I didn’t have the energy to get into it right now.
He hugged me closer to his chest. “Yes, you were. You were running your hands down your sides— which was enticing as all hell, I might add—but you were frowning. Why?”
My eyes fell to his arms around my waist.
Perhaps it wasn’t such a bad idea to tell him what I was thinking. It would be embarrassing as hell to talk about my insecurities, but some part of me wanted Ace to know.
Besides, he always knew how to make me feel better.
And maybe, just maybe, he would tell me that my body was the sort of body he was attracted to.
And then he’d go on to admit that he loved me just as much as I loved him and carry me off into the sunset so that we could live happily ever after, together forever.ce’s shirt and my Hey, a girl could dream, right?
“It’s nothing,” I sighed, placing my hands on my hips while continuing to study my body with disdain.
Ace didn’t release me from his embrace, which, surprisingly, made me feel grateful.
“I just think I may have gained some weight or something. I feel like my hips are getting bigger with every passing day.”
Ace’s mouth formed a satisfied smirk as he took in my form through the reflection in the mirror.
Keeping his chin on my shoulder, he slowly unfurled his arms from around my waist and slid his hands down my sides.
He stopped when they were on top of mine, on my hips, and threaded his fingers in between my own.
“I don’t think they’re big enough,” he said, licking his lips.
The nervous laugh that escaped my mouth was almost embarrassing. “Uh-huh, sure, Ace,” I stammered. “You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”
It was his turn to frown. “I have no reason to lie about that, Doe.”
I shifted my weight in discomfort. “But…but I have… stretch marks,” I whispered as if it were a bad thing to say.
Without thinking much about it, my hand traveled under the bottom of my shirt to caress the stretched- out skin on the sides of my hips.
I knew stretch marks were normal and extremely common—more common than a lot of people realized. They were evidence of our bodies changing and adapting to our needs.
In all honesty, it’s incredible that the human body can stretch and expand instead of tearing and ripping when we go through a change.
I was already well aware stretch marks were over-stigmatized in our society, so they didn’t cause me any stress. I didn’t care if they spanned over my hips and breasts for the rest of my life.
What mattered to me was that I didn’t understand why they had appeared, and so suddenly. It left me feeling out of control.
After all, I didn’t feel like I was doing anything differently when it came to my routine. I was eating the same and exercising normally. So, what the heck was going on with me?
My breathing stalled when Ace’s hand followed mine, sliding under the bottom of my long shirt and tracing the same skin I was with gentle fingers.
He hummed, and the sound vibrated against my back. An all-too-familiar throbbing sensation started up
in my core.
“Ace,” I said, my voice coming out far breathier than I had meant it to, “that wasn’t an invitation to— “It’s normal for women like you to start to fill out at your age,” he interrupted in a gentle tone. His fingers continued to caress me, massaging my hips now. “You have nothing to worry about.”
“Women like me? ” I turned and glared. Having dropped his hands to his sides, I was thinking clearly again, without the strange combination of embarrassment and arousal taking over my system.
He chuckled as his eyes strayed down to my body again, stopping for a moment on my breasts and then my bare legs.
“It’s a good thing, sweet girl. Trust me. Your body is getting ready to carry children.”
Hunger flashed in his gaze. “It’s fucking sexy.”
My stomach did acrobatics. Did he just say children?
“Um, yeah, no thanks,” I replied. “No children for me right now.” That was such a weird thing for him to say.
Ace continued to stare at my body in a daze.
I shifted uneasily. “Do you really think I’m sexy?”
He nodded, and his eyes glazed over. “Very sexy.” nd slid his hands His arms twitched, and I thought for a moment that he might reach for me and pull me close to him again. I wanted that. I wanted him to touch me again.
But then he curled his hands into fists at his sides and took a large step back, averted his gaze, and ran a
hand through his hair.
My heart rate slowed again.
So, I guess that wasn’t the reaction I was hoping for.
aring and ripping
. I was eating the
nsation started up
in my core.
“Ace,” I said, my voice coming out far breathier than I had meant it to, “that wasn’t an invitation to— “It’s normal for women like you to start to fill out at your age,” he interrupted in a gentle tone. His fingers continued to caress me, massaging my hips now. “You have nothing to worry about.”
“Women like me? ” I turned and glared. Having dropped his hands to his sides, I was thinking clearly again, without the strange combination of embarrassment and arousal taking over my system.
He chuckled as his eyes strayed down to my body again, stopping for a moment on my breasts and then my bare legs.
“It’s a good thing, sweet girl. Trust me. Your body is getting ready to carry children.”
Hunger flashed in his gaze. “It’s fucking sexy.”
My stomach did acrobatics. Did he just say children?
“Um, yeah, no thanks,” I replied. “No children for me right now.” That was such a weird thing for him to say.
Ace continued to stare at my body in a daze.
I shifted uneasily. “Do you really think I’m sexy?”
He nodded, and his eyes glazed over. “Very sexy.”
His arms twitched, and I thought for a moment that he might reach for me and pull me close to him again. I wanted that. I wanted him to touch me again.
But then he curled his hands into fists at his sides and took a large step back, averted his gaze, and ran a
hand through his hair.
My heart rate slowed again.
So, I guess that wasn’t the reaction I was hoping for.
