CHAPTER 39
Paedyn
I’m soaked to the bone by the time Kai lifts me onto the edge of the pool.
The rain is falling harder now, stinging my eyes and slapping my skin. Kai pulls himself onto the grass beside me, his hair a damp mess over his forehead.
He sprawls out on his back, shutting his eyes against the persistent rain.
When I move to stand, he wraps an arm around my waist to pull me down beside him. I gasp before laughing as I roll my head toward him in the wet grass.
Peace pulls at his features, softens his lips into a slight smile.
He looks like relief.
I doubt he’s ever felt so free. There isn’t a soul besides mine and those surrounding us who knows where he is. And there is a certain comfort in being willingly lost, hidden from life itself.
We lie there for a long while, basking in nature’s shower. At some point, his hand nds mine. He loosely interlocks our ngers, an action that is somehow more intimate than our time spent in the pool, as though he’s content to silently exist beside me.
A bright crack of lightning has me sitting up, eyes ying open. I look behind us to the soaking pack sitting in the damp grass and quickly stand to my feet.
Kai attempts to reach for me again, but I jump away with a laugh. “Come on, that’s enough laying around.” I scoop my pack o the ground, watching it drip like the rest of me. “We need to dry o, and so does everything else.”
He sits up, blinking in the rain. “Yeah, you’re shaking the chain with each shiver.”
At the mention of it, I shiver again. I turn, picking up the bow before backing into the strong body suddenly standing behind me. “I’ll take that,” he says against my ear. “My life has been threatened enough for today.”
I begrudgingly let him pull the weapon from my hands as I pour the water out of my boots, just to slip them back onto wet feet. Throwing my soaked shirt
over my shoulder, I walk toward the wall of stone and trees separating us from the road beyond.
Climbing the slippery slope is a humbling endeavor. It takes several tries to pull myself over the top of the stone before I can attempt to reach the tree beside it. Kai follows behind as I slowly make my way to the ground, sighing in relief when my feet sink into the damp dirt.
I squint through the steady stream of rain. “Where’s the horse?”
Kai steps beside me, bow slung across his back. “The thunder must have spooked him. He’s probably long gone by now.”
I sigh. “I was just getting the hang of riding.”
“Oh, is that what you call it?” Kai asks, lips pulled into a smirk.
I put a hand to his cheek, pushing it as I walk by. The action feels comfortable in a way I wish it wouldn’t. So I keep my hands to myself as we walk down the ooded road, searching for shelter to wait out the storm.
We don’t make it far before a cluster of rocks catch my eye. A large, at stone stretches across the ones beneath it, creating a makeshift canopy high enough for us to sit comfortably under. “This way!” I shout over the storm, turning us toward shelter.
When we duck under the rock, I sling the pack from my shoulders, breathing heavy. I’m about to plop down on the patch of dry ground when Kai says, “I need to go get rewood.”
Both our heads drop to the chain tethering us together. “All right.” He sighs, “We need to go get rewood.”
Forcing myself back into the rain is an eort of will. I drag my feet while Kai collects wood for our re, breaking branches from trees and piling them into my arms.
My teeth are chattering by the time we make it back to our camp. “This wood won’t be easy to light,” Kai murmurs, arranging the wet branches for the re we are about to attempt.
“We have two matches left,” I say, digging around in my soaked pack. My ngers nd the metal box and pull it out, relieved to nd the matches still dry.
“This wood won’t light on its own,” Kai says, looking up at me. “We need something to help start it. Do we have any paper?”
I’m about to shake my head when my eyes snag on the journal tucked between damp bedrolls. I swallow, slowly reaching a hand toward it. I can feel Kai’s eyes on me as I pull the leather book out and ip through the pages,
nding them surprisingly dry.
“Here’s some paper,” I say quietly.
“No.” Kai’s voice is rm. “No, we aren’t using that.”
“It’s ne.” I nod, trying to convince myself. “I’m sure most of this is just research and notes. And I’d rather not freeze tonight so… it’s ne.” His eyes narrow, expression skeptical. “I’m ne.”
That seems to persuade him enough to nod slightly. I turn back to the book in hand, taking a breath before skimming the rst few pages. His familiar handwriting makes me smile, makes me struggle to swallow. I squint in the dim light, urging my eyes to adjust to the growing darkness.
The rst page tears easily. It talked of recipes for various remedies Elites can use when they are unable to get to a Healer. The second page was more of the same, consisting of measurements and herbs for common illnesses. The third page was lled with ink, swirling with scribbled notes describing a dicult patient.
Every piece of parchment burns easier than it tears. I hand each shred of my father to him, watching his life’s work go up in ames. It takes several pages to light the wood, and nothing but a weak ame to show for it. Kai tends to the re, forcing it to grow despite the diculty.
I ring out our shirts, laying them near the re beside every other damp belonging. Then I lean against the stone to read over the remaining pages crinkled between the journal’s leather covers. I thumb through it, stopping to read entries about the many people he helped heal in the slums.
My ngers fumble on a thick piece of parchment near the back and my curiosity has me ipping to what lies behind it. A journal entry stares back at me, slanted letters staining the page. But this one is dierent from the rest. This one is personal and dated, deep thoughts spilled onto parchment.
I sit up slightly, my spine stiening in shock.
The action doesn’t go unnoticed. “What?” Kai asks, re forgotten.
“My father…” I shake my head at the page. “He kept a journal.”
Silence. “Yes, I gathered that.”
“No, I mean, he kept a journal.” I look up, eyes wide. “His own thoughts and
feelings. A log of his life.”
“A diary,” Kai says quietly.
I nod, looking down at the book in my lap. “The rst entry is dated more than ten years before my birth,” I say. The words are smudged and rushed, as though he thought it was wasted time to write of his own life. I look up to nd Kai’s gaze pinned on me. His nod of encouragement has me clearing my throat and reading the scribbled script.
“I suppose I’ just ite about is, since it’s treason to speak it to anyone else. The king offered me a job again. We, me like reatened me wi it. I was summoned to e palace to help his Healers during fever season, but I know his true intentions. He wants me out of e slums and into e upper city wi e rest of e Healers. He doesn’t want anyone tending to e po less powerful, f at matter. I wouldn’t be surprised if he began anoer Purging, is time f e Mundanes. He inks em to be weak like e Ordinaries, treating e slums like e scum benea e shiny shoe at is his Elite kingdom.
“There is a reason no oer Healer can be found anywhere near e slums. Grd is a plague at Ilya has yet to eradicate. But when e king offers each Healer me money an ey could ever spend in eir lifetime, ey happily agr to whatever strings are attached. The conditions are simple enough—only care f e upper class and promote e idea at Ordinaries are weakening our powers rough prolonged proximity due to e undetectable disease ey carry.
“He is paying em off. What an expensive lie. Because no one wi question what e Healers say ey detect. F decades, e king has bn buying e suppt of e only people who know is disease to be a lie. And it has wked beautifuy. It’s not as ough Healers
care f Ordinaries. They may know at e ‘undetectable disease’ is a farce, but ey also know at Ordinaries and Elites reproducing wi dwindle our power and eventuay cause our kind to go extinct. That alone is enough f eir grd to promote e king’s lie and ensure at Elites never aow Ordinaries back in Ilya.
“It’s bushit, but iiant.
“And I’m e problem. The exception wi a target on my back.
The king is persuasive—I’ give him at. His ibes are very tempting to a resident of e slums, but I can’t abandon e lower class, not when no one else wi help wi e sickness at spreads rough e strts like wildfire.
“So e slums are where I wi stay. The king wi not buy my suppt.”
I blink at the familiar writing, hearing his voice with each word I read. My eyes skim over the page again. And again. And— “Did you hear that?” I blurt, looking up at Kai.
He’s crouching in front of the re, hands draped over his knees. He stares blankly at the ickering ame, nodding slightly. “I heard it.”
“Do you know what this means?” A crazed smile tugs at my lips. “This is proof, Kai. This is proof that there is no disease detected by the Healers. And the king—”
“The king has been bribing them to lie about it,” he nishes quietly. His gaze hasn’t strayed from the dim re. “That is, if any of this is even true.”
“My father was no liar,” I snap, harsher then intended. I blow out a breath before calmly continuing. “Don’t you see? It all adds up. Your father had all the Healers under his control, somewhere he could watch them closely. And he wanted the slums to suer because even some Elites are too weak for his liking.”
I hear him take a shaky breath. “No. No, that can’t be right.” He drags his ngers through damp hair. “I can’t let that be right because I’ve justied everything. Everything I’ve done as the Enforcer. It was all to protect the Elites and Ilya from this disease, but if Ordinaries aren’t weakening our powers…”
He trails o, running a hand over his face. I reach a hesitant hand toward him, unsure what to say. “Kai…”
“That would mean that he’s been killing Ordinaries to prevent them from reproducing with Elites. He’s been killing healthy, innocent people.” He nally looks over at me, gray eyes icy. “I’ve been killing healthy, innocent people.”
“You didn’t know,” I murmur. “How could you have? The king had every Healer spewing his lie.”
I turn away, shocked at the sincerity seeping into my words. I never thought I would sympathize with the crimes he’s committed against Ordinaries like me, but his head is in his hands, his hurt hidden behind the crumbling mask he wears.
Remorse is written all over his face. Anger is sketched into the stiening of his shoulders, the storm raging in his eyes.
He’s spent his whole life living a lie that helped him live with himself.
He shakes his head, his shadow doing the same on the wall behind him. “It can’t be true.” He won’t look at me. “Are there any more entries? Anything else about this?”
I ip the page, nding more words sprawled there. “This one’s dated a few weeks later. Here, look at this.” I scoot closer to the re, ooding the page with light and making it easier for us to read.
I had an idea while I was wking in e palace today. A terrible, treasonous idea at shouldn’t be itten down. But I know ere are Ordinaries hiding in Ilya who nd help surviving.
Probably Fatals too. And maybe it’s naive to hope at ere are Elites out ere who believe kiing Ordinaries to be ong.
I want to find ose few. I want to build a community, someing e king can’t igne. I want to fight wi e Ordinaries —f e Ordinaries and ose alike.
I don’t know how yet, but I’m going to try.
I stare at the smudged page. “He’s talking about the Resistance.” I smile slightly. “No wonder he hid this journal beneath a oorboard. It’s incriminating.”
Kai nods as I ip the page so we can read the entry that follows.
I’ve bn searching e abandoned buildings in e slums and have found a couple of Ordinaries wiing to trust me. I invited em into my home and told em of my plans to fight f eir right to live in Ilya.
There are me of us now—at least a dozen. Our little Resistance is growing. I’ve started training Ordinaries to “adopt” an ability, help em join society instead of hiding in abandoned buildings.
Most take on e Hyper ability since it’s e easiest lie.
I’m sti being summoned to e castle f fever season. The king’s ibes are tempting, but I play my part as a Healer and
return to e slums.
Every time.
I eagerly ip the page, nding a dierent topic scribbled there.
I met an Ordinary girl. We, a woman. She caught e fever while living in e slums, which usuay means dea. But I happened to find her in time. She’s beautiful—a complete distraction as I wked. Someing about her soul smed to ca to mine. I’m determined to marry her.
I finay did it. I married her.
I’m going to be a faer. Alice has bn rowing up a mning wi a smile on her face. She’s convinced it’s a girl.
Tears threaten to fall as I read of the mother I never met. Through blurry vision, a date catches my eye, forcing my frantic ngers to a stop. “This one’s from three weeks before I was born,” I say quietly, looking up to nd Kai staring intently.
She lost too much blood. I couldn’t stop it. I’m a damn Healer and I couldn’t even save her. I buried her in e backyard wi our baby. She was right. It was a girl.
My heart stops. Time slows.
“I buried her in the backyard with our baby.”
I shake my head, ignoring the hand Kai places on my knee. “I… I don’t understand. Father said she died of illness when I was a baby but…”
I trail o, tearing through the pages until I nd the next entry.
I wasn’t planning on iting in here after Alice. I wasn’t even planning on having an “after Alice,” but I woke to a bang on my do last night. Yet when I opened e do, no one was ere. That
is, until I looked down.
And ere she was. A baby girl.
Someone left her on my dostep. She can’t be me an a few wks old wi a head fu of silver hair and dp blue eyes. She’s beautiful. Alice would tear up at e sight of her.
I’m going to be a faer. This is what Alice would have wanted.
She already had a name picked out anyway.
A tear splatters onto the parchment, drowning the ink.
I think Kai might be saying something, but I can hear nothing past the ringing in my ears. My head is spinning, heart pounding, breath catching in my throat because I can’t seem to swallow it. I can’t breathe. I can’t— “Hey.” Kai’s rough hands on my face rip me from my thoughts. “Hey, look at me. You’re all right.”
I reach around his arms to viciously wipe at the tears leaking from my eyes.
“No, I’m not all right!” I nally suck in a breath, blinking back the ood of emotion behind my eyes. “This can’t be right. I won’t believe it,” I sputter, repeating Kai’s own words. “This means… I was an orphan before I even lost my father.” A hysterical sob slips past my lips. “And that would make my whole life a lie.”
Kai shakes his head, expression stern. “No. Your life isn’t a lie, you hear me?”
He lifts my face up, forcing me to look at him. “Just because you don’t share the same blood, it doesn’t mean he wasn’t your father. He raised you as his own. He chose to love you.”
Everything he’s saying makes sense—and I hate it.
I want to rage, want to scream, want to sit here and feel sorry for myself.
Because a part of me feels betrayed, feels deceived by the man I called Father.
I silently ip to the next entry as Kai’s hands slowly slip from my face. I can feel his eyes on me, waiting for me to break.
But I’m tired of breaking. Tired of having to lug around pieces of myself that I’m too tired to t back together.
I snie, returning my eyes to the page and continue reading numbly.
Wiout Alice, my only purpose now is e Resistance. It’s a at kps me going. That, and Paedyn.
Tears splatter onto the page once more at the sight of my name. The pad of Kai’s thumb swipes across my cheek, stealing the tear from my skin. “Talk to me,” he murmurs, leaning close enough that I can’t ignore him.
I shake my head, struggling to swallow the emotion clogged in my throat.
“The truth, then?”
He nods. “The truth, always.”
I take a shaky breath, ghting tears between each one that follows. “I’ve spent my whole life accepting the fact that I would never truly be able to live it. I’m an Ordinary, and that’s ne—I’m living with it. I’ve come to terms with what I am not, and I’ll deal with it until the day I die. But—”
He takes my shaking hand into his own, urging me on with a single steady look. “But I’ve paid my dues, haven’t I?” The words are a gasp, as though they were ripped from my throat. “Have I not suered enough? I am already nothing, but now I belong to no one. The one thing in my life that was right and real and mine alone has been ripped away from me.” I take a shuddering breath, blinking blankly into the re. “Just like everything else.”
He’s shaking his head at me, reaching up a hand to push stray hair out of my face. “You cannot be nothing when you are everything to someone else.” My eyes climb up to his, nding them avoiding mine. It takes several heartbeats for him to open his mouth, spilling words that sound unsure. “And that is what you were to your father. Whether or not he was your esh and blood. He loved you more than most.”
His words hit me hard—a reminder of how anything is better than what he endured by a man who truly was his father. I quiet, attempting to calm my breathing. Then I’m ipping the page, ignoring the unshed tears welling in my eyes. I force my eyes to focus, to continue reading. His words are my distraction, his handwriting a comfort.
I met a Fatal today in e strts. He pued me into an aey and whispered at he wanted to help wi my idea—which he only knew about because he happened to be a Mind Reader.
We talked f hours about e struggles he’s endured and how he wants to s Ordinaries and Fatals fr once again. But we first nd to find ose who are hiding in plain sight.
“Calum,” I whisper, knowing exactly who this Mind Reader is. The next page is a hurried collection of several days.
Calum has found us r me Ordinaries already. He scours e strts, reading oughts until he finds a mind at screams eir secret. His meod is much quicker an mine. We a met tonight to discuss our plans.
Several of our Ordinaries haven’t bn to a mting in wks.
I’m beginning to wry at someing has happened. Likely an Imperial’s doing.
We’ve cleared out e cear benea e house to use f mtings. There are too many of us now to go unnoticed. I fashioned a bookshelf over e cear do, concealing e entrance in case we get unexpected visits.
I thumb through the pages, skimming over years of growing the Resistance.
I’ve appointed leaders to different sects of e slums. We can no longer a mt at my house. Now, just us leaders hold mtings to discuss how e Resistance is doing. We have plans to confront e king and his lies, but we are much too weak to attempt at now.
Maybe in e next few years.
“Gray.”
He says my voice softly, attempting to wake me from my stupor. Ignoring the concern crinkling his brow, I furiously ip through the remaining pages. Blank parchment stares back at me until my ngers still on a longer log.
I fgot about is journal. Apparently, it’s bn six years since I last ote in here. There’s not much to say oer an how big Paedyn is getting.
It’s clear now why she was left on my dostep. She’s Ordinary.
Her parents didn’t want to deal wi hiding a child. And, damn, are ey missing out on her.
She’s got is fire about her. This quickness. I’ve bn training her differently, me extremely. I never want her to fl anying but strong. And when I noticed how observant she was as a young
child, I figured it was best to stick to her strengs. So I’m sharpening at little mind of hers into a weapon to protect herself wi. As a “Psychic,” she can do me an pass as an Elite, me an survive. She can live.
I told her about Alice. Except e tru of how she died. Pae inks it’s iness at took her away from us shtly after she was bn. I’ve lost slp trying to decide if I should ever te Paedyn e tru. But I am e only faer she’s had, and even in dea, Alice is her moer.
Ink smudges down the page, smearing as though he shut the book in a hurry.
I ignore the look of growing concern painting Kai’s face as we continue to read the next page dated several years later.
I haven’t told her about e Resistance. I wi. Eventuay. It has gotten me difficult to hide it from her as she’s gotten older. I don’t know why I haven’t told her. Maybe I don’t want to get her involved. Maybe she’s sti just my little girl despite how strong she’s become. Even ough she doesn’t nd it, I want to protect her f as long as I can. And being a part of e Resistance is dangerous. The king knows of us now, his Imperials dered to be on e lookout.
Maybe it’s best she doesn’t know until e Resistance is ready to make a move. Maybe it’s best she stays my little girl f as long as possible.
I ip the page, my vision blurry.
Nothing.
My ngers fumble with the corners, tearing through each piece of parchment only to nd them empty.
When my thumb meets the back cover, I stare at the leather binding representing the end of his life. The closing of a chapter. “That’s it,” I whisper.
“That’s the last entry he wrote.”
I’m tired. Too damn tired to nd the energy to feel anything more. So I slump against the stone, shoving the journal back into my pack.
Kai watches, running his eyes over me. He looks hesitant to interrupt my lack of thoughts. “Are you okay?”
I rub my hands over my eyes, feeling tears tickle my ngers. Then I settle my blank stare on him. “I always nd a way to be.”