[ 6 ]
AS WE WAITED FOR MY MUTANT CAT TO EMERGE FROM HER BLOB, I EXAMINED my other loot. The fingerless gloves went onto my hands. Of the two weapons, I liked the feel of the cudgel more than that of the poker, which felt like it would bend and break the moment I hit something with it. I examined the cudgel’s properties. The game show host AI described it using a caveman
voice.
Toad Cudgel Big stick for bonking. Bonk toad. Bonk mob. Bonk girlfriend and drag back to cave by hair.
I wondered if the metal pot was still out there. It’d be better than this bullshit.
I placed my hand on the symbol branded onto my jacket. An infobox
popped up.
Goblin Pass.
It’s a tattoo! On your forearm! Now you’ll never get a good job!
Note: Pass tattoos cannot be hidden unless you purchase a coverup sleeve. Will show through any armor you may wear.
Removes automatic goblin hostility. Allows for free passage through goblin-controlled territory in the dungeon. Warning: holding a Goblin Pass will cause natural goblin enemies, such as fairy-class creatures, to deal 20% more damage against you. Still, it looks kinda badass.
I grumbled that the system didn’t give me a choice. It just burned it right onto me. I didn’t have any tattoos, and I’d never really wanted one. Most everyone I knew had plenty, but I’d never liked the idea. My old man had been covered in them, and it wasn’t ever something I associated with being
cool.
The black, leathery, and hooded nightgaunt cloak weighed almost nothing. It appeared to be made from the wing of some sort of demon creature. The skin was stretched between rows of long, body-length fingerbones. When I put the hood up, I noticed it had pointed ear things on either side.
Enchanted Nightgaunt Cloak of Stoutness.
The wearer of this cloak gains +4 to Constitution and becomes resistant to poison and ice-based attacks. In addition, the cloak adds Anti-Piercing resistance to all worn armor. It also makes you look like a dollar store Batman. Warning: if a Nightgaunt spies you wearing this, they probably won’t be too happy with you.
“This is an extremely valuable cloak,” Mordecai said. “But the shirt is
better. Much better.”
Enchanted Trollskin Shirt of Pummeling.
The wearer of this shirt gains +7 to the Regeneration skill. In addition, all melee-based damage debuffs such as Stun, Knockback, Disarm, and Out-of-Breath are negated. The shirt is also quite stylish.
Maybe a little too stylish. Unlike most monster-skin apparel items, this shirt will not grant a negative reaction amongst trolls. In fact, lady trolls might just want to haul you away for some one-on-one time if they see you in this.
“That shirt is one of the best under-armor garments for tanking,”
Mordecai said. “A level-seven regeneration skill means you’re back to full health pretty quickly after taking damage. In as little as two minutes. Finding it was a lucky break. This is something that would be in a Platinum or Legendary box.”
“You don’t have to tell me twice,” I said. I pulled off my jacket and slipped the short-sleeved shirt on. It felt cool to the touch and form-fitted to my skin. A couple notifications appeared. I put the leather jacket back on and then added the cloak. I felt a quick rush of power course through me as my
constitution rose from five to nine.
New achievement! Loot!
You’re wearing something you found in the dungeon.
Reward: You’re now a handsome son of a bitch. That’s reward enough.
New achievement! Oooh, Magic!
You’re wearing magical gear for the first time! You’re a wizard, Crawler!
Reward: You’ve received a Bronze Adventurer Box!
The box contained another torch and a pair of healing potions, leaving me with a total of six. I still didn’t have any pants. Or shoes. I was wearing a jacket, a cloak, and boxers. I shook my head. I examined the last item, the toe ring.
Enchanted Toe Ring of the Splatter Skunk.
Imbues wearer with +3 Strength and gives +3 to the skill Powerful Strike. Also, it’s a toe ring. It’s probably uncomfortable and it makes you look like one of those hippie assholes who sit around in a field juggling and hula-hooping all day.
“Powerful strike is a good skill,” Mordecai said. “Each level multiplies your damage when you’re not wielding a weapon. So at level three, each kick or punch does three times the damage it normally would. With your Unarmed Combat skill and the Pugilism skill, your fists already do much more damage than either of those weapons. You might want to consider a monk class, which will enhance that further.”
“So, I could be like a ninja?” I said. I sat down and slipped the toe ring on. It adjusted itself, sliding easily onto my filthy, bloody index toe on my right foot. Like the description warned, it was uncomfortable. I’d never been a jewelry guy. I hopped up and down, trying to get used to it. I felt my strength rise by 50%.
“And just like that, you’re almost as strong as any human who has ever lived,” Mordecai said.
I received another snarky achievement for putting on jewelry, but no reward.
I started to fiddle around within my skills menu. Despite the heavy filtering, there was a lot of information in there. There was literally a skill for everything. The menu had a search box. I typed in Frogger, just to see what would happen. Growing up, my old man had an original, stand up Frogger video game machine from an arcade. I had spent hours and hours playing the game when I was stuffed in the basement. My mom locked me in there a lot.
Whenever my dad had his friends over, they’d smoke and drink and get loud, and my mom didn’t want them “being a bad influence” on me. So instead I stayed downstairs with no television or internet and that damn machine.
The top score one could get on an original machine was 99,990. The game never ended, so you could keep playing past that, and the score would cycle over and over. My record was 879,460.
Sure enough, it popped up.
Frogger – 1981 Video Game Cabinet Version (result hidden due to
filters) Skill: 8.
I grinned at that. I wondered why that skill was hidden by the filters, but things like Lacing Boots - Skill: 3 wasn’t. It probably only included skills useful in the dungeon. I doubted there would be a Frogger machine in one of these hallways.
But that wasn’t true, was it? Assuming it hadn’t been tossed in a landfill, that old Frogger machine was down here somewhere. At least the atoms of it or whatever. This dungeon was literally made out of items built by human civilization. I sighed. It was hard to comprehend.
“Really, Carl,” a new voice said. It was female, sultry yet pompous at the same time. “If you’re going to insist upon wearing that hideous cloak in public, you might want to do yourself the dignity of putting pants on first. I just can't fathom why Miss Beatrice hired you in the first place.”
I looked wildly about for the speaker, expecting to find someone dressed
like a medieval princess.
Instead, all I saw was the cat.
