15
IS THIS KARMA? I DON’T LIKE
HER
Carter
“OH SHIT. FUCK. SHIT, SHIT, shit.”
Cracking one lid, I try to pin Olivia’s panicked voice. I was having the very best dream. Olivia under me, over me, her lips, her hands, her perfect tits. The sooner I nd her, the sooner I get to live out the dream in real life.
Rolling onto my back, I sweep an arm over the empty spot beside me. It’s still warm and I can smell her all over my sheets, like a fresh batch of cookies. I wanna eat her right up.
“Come back to bed, Ollie.” I scrub my eyes, riding out a never-ending yawn, nally sitting up when I hear a loud crash followed by a string of curses.
Olivia’s stark naked, lying in a crumpled heap on the oor.
I lean over the bed, smiling. “What you doin’ down there, baby?”
Her lips part with what looks like—but cannot possibly be—horror, and she moves her hands over her stellar tits. I didn’t expect the shyness this morning, sans alcohol, but I guess it makes sense.
Hanging halfway o the bed, I rest a palm on the hardwood and reach out to her. I need to get her back up here so I can fuck her back to sleep.
I swear I had a goddamn epiphany last night while my sword of thunder was buried nine inches deep inside the most insanely stunning woman I’ve ever
sparred with. I never wanted to leave, and this morning, I still don’t. I hope she’s okay with that, because I’m pretty sure she just got herself a shadow.
The shadow is me. I’m gonna be glued to her leg like a horny, unneutered dog for a long-ass time. Maybe forever. I don’t fuckin’ know. I only know I’m not letting go.
But she scoots backward, snapping her jaw shut. “I’m not your baby.”
Okay, so Olivia’s not a morning person.
“Do you need coee?”
Whoops. Wrong question.
I resist the urge to hide under the covers, instead oering her a gritty version of my delightfully charming smile that I think she loves/hates. It doesn’t seem to be having the desired eect.
She jumps to her feet, snatching the blanket o my body and wrapping it around herself.
She makes a throaty sound, wide gaze glued to… My dick. He’s happy to see her this morning, giving her the ol’ one-eyed salute as he bobs around.
“Good morning,” I say with a chuckle, swiveling my hips, making him dance.
“All of me is happy to see all of you.”
Christ, she’s hard to crack this morning. Not even a smile, just a hand slapped across her eyes.
I cock a brow. “You know he got well acquainted with your palace last night, right?”
Olivia sure is making a lot of sounds today. This one is all whimper-moan, right before she makes a mad dash for the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.
But I’m not shy, so I slip out of bed and stroll right through that door.
I run a hand down my torso, giving it a little scratch before I st the base of my cock, looking at the beautiful girl wrapped in a sheet, her dress in one hand, phone in the other, enormous brown eyes set on me.
“What the fuck are you doing? We should be in bed, cuddling.” Or fucking.
“And this…” I trail a nger along her collarbone until I reach her st where she’s
clutching the sheet tight to her body. “I don’t care where this goes, as long as it fucking goes.”
I tear the sheet away, letting it pool at our feet. With two handfuls of her ass, I hoist her up to me, wrapping her legs around my hips before I press her against the glass shower. I bite back a groan at the feel of her hot, soaked pussy pressed against me.
“You’re gonna need to cancel any plans you have.” I drag slow, wet kisses up her neck, then nip at her chin. She’s got the tiniest dimple there, right in the center, and I love it. “I’m keeping you all damn day.”
Olivia’s mouth opens like she’s going to say something, maybe argue with me the way she likes to. Instead, our mouths collide. She clings to me, ngers plowing through my hair, back arching, hips rolling.
“Perfect,” I grumble against her lips. “Christ, Ollie, you’re fucking perfect.”
Her breath snags, and she shoves against my chest, pushing me away.
I’m confused, but I almost always am when it comes to her, because I can’t read her mind.
But wait. Maybe we’re just— “Are we roughin’ it up?” I ask with a smirk, prowling toward her. I’m into it. I’m into everything as long as she’s part of it. If she wants to push me around, I’ll push her right back.
Like, nicely. But not too nice.
“What?” She shakes her head, hands out between us. “No, Carter. Stop.
Please.”
Stop? What? No. I don’t want to. But I do, of course.
“Are you okay?” I look her over with a slow sweep. It gets heated on the way down and I wind up making three passes. “Did I hurt you last night?”
I reach for her right hip, brushing the four round bruises that match my ngertips. Twisting her, I nd my thumbprint on her backside. She’s covered in a fuckton of tiny purple hickeys, too, drawing a possessive growl from my chest.
Mine, my brain shouts out, and my cock twitches in agreement.
“No, you didn’t—” She stops, covering her face before pushing by me, pulling her dress over her head. “I have to go.”
She forgoes the bra, choosing instead to hook it onto her wrist before searching the oor, looking for the thong I peeled o her last night, I assume. I
neglect to tell her that it’s in the pocket of my jeans, half buried under the bed.
I scratch my head. “Go where? Do you have plans? I thought you were gonna stay for breakfast.”
Olivia ignores me, giving up on the hunt for her undies. She heads for the door, yanking it open and barreling down the hall, and I’m so fucking lost.
I throw on a pair of sweats and y down the stairs behind her, spinning her back to me. “Are you gonna say anything?” Her eyes are trained on my torso.
“Or look at me?” I blow out a frustrated breath and plow my ngers through my hair. “Fuck, Ollie, I’m so confused right now.”
“I have to go,” she whispers.
“Go fucking where?” It comes out louder than I intend, and Olivia inches. I take a deep breath, and taking her hands in mine, try again. “I’m sorry. I’m just a little lost. You said we were gonna talk about us, and—”
“You said that, not me.”
I blink down at her. She’s still not looking at me.
“You-you-you—” Christ, is this really happening right now? Am I stammering? “You agreed! You said we’d talk after breakfast!”
“We both had too much to drink.” Her excuse is weak and she knows it. “I don’t think we knew what we were doing.”
Bullshit. “Fucking look at me if you’re gonna lie to me, Olivia.”
Her eyes snap to mine, and I don’t like what I see. They’re red rimmed, her bottom lip wobbly. What the hell is going on? This is so damn simple. There’s no reason to cry, because I’m right fucking here, wanting her, like I have from the moment I saw her. I may not have any experience with relationships, but I know well enough that this shit I’m feeling isn’t one sided. This situation she’s putting us in right now? Neither of us wants to be here. And yet, she’s doing it anyway.
“So that’s that? Just another one-night stand? Thanks for the sex, see you never?”
“It’s what you want,” she tries to tell me, clutching her phone to her chest.
“You don’t know the rst thing about what I want. If you did, you wouldn’t be turning your back on me and walking out of here right now, claiming this was just sex that means fuck all to me, or to you. That’s bullshit. You know it and I
know it.” I’m not afraid to argue with her. I’ll do it all damn day if I think she’s wrong, and right now, she is.
She ducks around me, heading for the kitchen, stepping into the heels she left there. “I have to go, Carter.”
“No, you don’t. You’re refusing to communicate. Here I am wanting to talk about what the hell is going on between us, and there you are, trying to run
away.”
“There’s nothing—”
“Don’t you fucking say there’s nothing going on between us!” I’m shouting again and I hate it. I get worked up easily and I’m really on edge right now. I thrive on control, and right now, all I’m doing is losing all semblance of it. This girl owns me—for some fucking reason—and I refuse to let her make the wrong decision for both of us.
So I stalk toward her, backing her against the wall. Shattered brown eyes meet mine, and I push her hair o her face.
“Stop it. Stop pretending like you aren’t scared out of your mind right now, like that hasn’t been the only thing holding you back this entire time. I can see what’s right in front of me, and that’s you, beautiful, sarcastic, smart, strong, sensitive, and fucking scared of the way you feel for someone you never wanted to have feelings for.”
Her phone slips from her shaking hands, and I catch it before it can hit the ground. My face lls the screen, except it’s not only mine. Over and over, picture after picture of me with my arm wrapped around a dierent woman, heading into my condo, into hotels.
The worst part, by far, is the headline, the one with today’s date beneath it.
“New Year, Same Carter: Carter Beckett’s Twelve Hottest Conquests and What We Can Expect of Him This Year”
I look to Olivia. The weight of the turmoil she wears, the sympathy, the fear, all of it is heavy, turning down the edges of her mouth, guiding her gaze down.
“This isn’t me.” I tip her chin up, stealing her gaze. “This doesn’t have to be me.”
“How can you promise that?” she whispers, her voice cracking. “We barely know each other. You admitted last night that you didn’t know if a relationship
was what you wanted.” She shakes her head, gesturing at her phone in my hand.
“I can’t compete with that, not even in my own head, which is where it’s most important. You may think I’m strong but I have no qualms admitting I’m way too insecure to pretend how many gorgeous women you’ve been with doesn’t fucking terrify me, that I wouldn’t be constantly waiting for you to get bored of me.” She presses her ngertips to her forehead like she’s got a headache. “You have a condo for sex.”
That’s not actually why I have it, but I’m not wasting time on that distinction right now.
“None of those women mean anything to me, Olivia.”
“I got so wrapped up in you last night, lost so much control, that we didn’t think to wear a condom. That’s so reckless.”
I rub at my neck. “I don’t have girls here, Olivia. Ever. I wasn’t lying.” Maybe it’s a piss-poor excuse, but I don’t have a single condom in the house. I do keep one in my wallet, but that was stored down here in the entryway table, and in the heat of the moment… “Are you not on the pill?” Fuck. Didn’t I ask her this?
“I’m on the pill, but…” She trails o, glancing at my crotch.
“I’m clean,” I mutter. If I sound defeated, it’s because I fucking am. She’s never going to get over my past. “That’s the rst time I…” First time I went in bare, but I don’t nish that thought out loud. “I get tested.” My throat is tight and dry. “I don’t want you to go. I like you, and you said you like me too.”
“I do like you. I like what you’ve shown me, but there are other things…” She squeezes her eyes shut and shakes her head. “I wish I could overlook everything else and jump right in. But I don’t know how, Carter, because when I look down, there’s not a single part of me that can see the ground. I don’t want messy and scary. I want steady and sure.”
Steady and sure, got it. I can be steady and sure. I can gure it out.
“Listen, I know I’m not boyfriend material, but I can try. Really, I can. I’ll be good. I’ll-I’ll—”
She places her hand on my chest, stopping me. “I don’t want you to change for me, Carter. This, us… It was a mistake.”
Ouch. I step back, rubbing my palm over my chest, trying to soothe the sudden, sharp pain.
Olivia’s gaze softens. “I’m not trying to hurt you.”
“It sure as hell doesn’t feel that way,” I bite back, because everything fucking
hurts.
“I’m sorry. I really am.”
“You don’t have to be sorry. You just have to trust me.”
Her shoulders slump. “I wish I could, but I don’t know how to.” She takes my hand in hers, clutching it to her chest. “We’re not right for each other.”
“How do you know that? Everything has felt right since I met you. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s felt right.”
It would have been naïve for me to think it would be easy, that we’d be able to fall into some sort of… relationship. But after last night, I thought she’d at least consider it. Consider me. I’m fucking trying here. I’ve decided what I want. Isn’t it supposed to be easy from here on out?
I understand the hesitation, the fear. How can I not? The media isn’t blowing smoke; my reputation is exactly the way it’s been painted. She’s allowed to be terried. I’m terried. I’m in unchartered waters here. I’m scared I’ll hurt her. I’m scared I don’t know how to be a partner. I’m scared that this could… work. I’m scared that she could be my forever. Christ, that’s petrifying.
But right now, I’m most terried that she’s going to walk out that door and never come back.
“I don’t know,” she admits. “I don’t know anything except that I’m too afraid of walking into something that feels like a heartbreak waiting to happen.
It’s like running into a burning building, Carter. We’re too dierent, and the only way this can end is up in ames.”
“Sometimes dierent is good,” I argue quietly. “I like dierent.”
The corner of her mouth lifts with a sad smile, and I know. She’s leaving, even if there’s a part of her that begs her to stay. Even if all of me begs too.
“We shouldn’t have had sex,” I whisper. She told me last night that she couldn’t trust me enough to move forward, and yet when everything fell away for a few hours, all the insecurities, the apprehension, the hopeful part of my brain thought those things might be gone forever.
But fears don’t disappear overnight. Even I know that.
“No,” she agrees, squeezing my hand. “We shouldn’t have. And I’m sorry, because I’m the one who initiated it. I took something I wanted but told myself I couldn’t have. You would have never pushed me into it.”
And then we wouldn’t be here, with her walking out on me like she has every intention of putting too much space between us, distance I don’t want at all. If I give her space, will she come back?
“Is it forever?” I ask as she slips her arms into her coat. “Good-bye?”
Her watery eyes meet mine, searching as silence hangs heavy in the space between us. All I can hear is the rapid thump thump of my angry, bruised heart.
She doesn’t want it to be forever, but I can tell by the look in her eyes that it’s the way she thinks it needs to be, so before she can answer, I beat her to it.
“You leaving right now doesn’t change how I feel about you, and it won’t change your feelings for me either. I know you’re hoping they’ll disappear so you don’t have to deal with the way I’ve been living my life, but they won’t. Running from things you’re afraid of won’t get you very far.”
I head back to the kitchen, pulling open the drawer I slammed shut in a hurry when Adam swept Olivia into his arms last night. I take out the small package wrapped in brown paper with little white stars, the burlap bow tied around it with a tiny jingle bell. I tried wrapping it myself ve times over before I nally enlisted my sister’s help.
I meet Olivia at the door, and a lump forms in the back of my throat as I take her in one last time. Even when she’s leaving me, she’s still beautiful.
“Do you need a ride?” I ask.
“Thank you, but I ordered an Uber.”
I nod as she steps onto the porch.
“Ollie?”
The quiver in her hands tells me it’s taking everything in her not to fall apart right now.
“Just so we’re clear, you’re the one who’s walking away right now. This isn’t what I want.”
I tuck the small gift into her hands, watching her forehead crinkle in surprise.
“Merry Christmas.”
