Faith Fairchild
The first time I realized my mother was lying to me, I was four years old. She tucked me into bed, kissed my forehead, and whispered to me what she always whispered.
“Good night, my sweet girl. Say your prayers, and may your papa in heaven watch over you.”
I had been aware for some time that my family was different from other children’s families. My mother and I lived on the top floor of a boardinghouse, just the two of us. Other children had siblings and fathers and big green lawns to run around on, but I had only my mother and the little world we created.
But that day was different. The first thing I noticed was that there was a man in our flat. I don’t think a man had ever been there before. There were always boarders in the house. They taught me to play chess in the shared parlor downstairs or let me help them hang their laundry in the garden outside, but inside our attic, it was always just my mother and me.
The man was tall and broad, with a sneering sort of face and big, blocky eyebrows.
The second thing I noticed was that the man was making my mother cry.
The memory is fuzzy now, fourteen years later. I think I must have just woken up from a nap. But I do remember what the man said when I climbed onto my mother’s lap to wipe away her tears. “I just wanted to see my daughter.”
“You can see her whenever you like,” my mother replied.
He paced the room, too large for it. I worried that he was going to knock over the wooden cradle where my doll slept. “You know that’s not true,” he said.
I realized at once that this strange man was my father—that my mother had been lying to me my whole life. She had told me my father was a sailor who died at sea. Every night I prayed for him, but my father was right here in front of me.
I learned a valuable lesson that day: no one is to be trusted, anyone could be lying at any time, even the people you love most.
I wasn’t brave enough to confront my mother about it until I was ten. She crumpled like a house of cards and told me everything, explaining that my father was a lord of a nearby estate. When my mother was in his employ as a maid, they had an affair. Affair wasn’t the word she used, but I was old enough to glean her meaning. He was unwilling to claim me, and he sacked my mother unceremoniously the moment she told him she was with child.ears old. She Still heartbroken after all these years, my mother cried as she spoke about me what she him. I feel guilty about the disdain I felt for her in that moment. I vowed I would never be that pathetic over something as trivial as a man. My nextyour papa in thought was about burning his estate to the ground. We weren’t very much
alike, my mother and I. nt from other I left home a few years later, moving to London all by myself at fourteenfloor of a to study full-time at the Royal Ballet School. d fathers and Dancing calmed my racing thoughts. I couldn’t control much about myand the little life, but I could control my body. I loved the rules of ballet, how concrete they were. The ballet mistress hit the backs of my ankles with rulers until It there was a could do the perfect tendu or frappé or plié, and I never could explain to. There were anyone else how I relished every moment. in the shared I worked for hours in front of the mirror, until my muscles were burningn the garden and I was soaked through with sweat, but it was all worth it for those few moments onstage, when it truly felt like I was flying.d big, blocky The days were long and lonely. I missed my mother, we were too dependent on each other, and even though I knew it was unhealthy, I longed for her.ust have just She got sick when I was sixteen. I took six months off from school to hen I climbed return to Brighton and care for her in that attic room of ours. But no amount d to see my of love or warm broth could fix her lungs. I soothed her as she coughed so hard her ribs broke, hacking up clot after clot. I held her as she took her final, rattling breaths, and then I returned to London and danced until my feet were oing to knock bloody and I couldn’t feel anything.not true,” he I met Emmett the next summer. He was sitting in the front row, watching me with those big, wounded deer eyes of his.at my mother I found him waiting in my dressing room backstage with an armful of twowas a sailor dozen red roses. I kissed him before I even told him my name. Kept kissing right here in him until the roses were dropped on the ground, forgotten.
anyone couldEmmett continued attending shows and meeting me in my dressing room afterward. He begged me to let him take me to the theater or buy me was ten. Sheextravagant gifts, but I didn’t want things like that from him. More than ning that myanything, I think we both needed someone to talk to about our unyielding s employ as agrief. He held my hand as I cried about how much I missed my mother, and I ut I was oldpushed his hair out of his teary eyes as he told me about his governess and nd he sackedthe father he couldn’t speak to.
It wasn’t love—neither of us held any illusions about that—but it was a e spoke aboutlife raft when we both desperately needed something to cling to. nt. I vowed ISometimes we’d kiss until our lips bruised and we felt nothing at all. But man. My nextmore often than not, we didn’t touch each other at all. We sat on opposite ’t very muchends of the room and listened while the other spoke. Emmett had walls a thousand feet high, and I wasn’t much of a climber, but we were there for lf at fourteeneach other.
I’m still not sure how my father found out about my dancing career, but I ch about mysuspect it had something to do with the rumors that started flying about me how concreteand Emmett. rulers until IIt had been six months since we’d met, and my name was now regularly ld explain towhispered in clubs and drawing rooms around town. Prince Emmett and that ballerina, they’d sneer. were burningMen sent flowers to my dressing room, hoping to steal me away from the or those fewprince as a point of pride, but I never answered the door for any of them.
Then one night my father turned the knob without knocking. I hadn’t seen we were toohim in fourteen years, hadn’t thought about him in nearly as many.
I longedIt took me a moment to recognize him, but that sneering expression was unmistakable. Sometimes I saw the same look on my own face in the om school tomoments I hated myself the most. ut no amount“You will stop this now,” he boomed. “You have disgraced our family e coughed soenough.” ook her final,I genuinely had no idea what he was on about, and my blank expression feet wereserved only to enrage him further. “No daughter of mine will make her living as a dancer and a mistress.” He spit the words out like curses. ow, watching“The dancer part is true, but I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re referring to when you say mistress,” I answered coolly, eyeing him behind me in the armful of twomirror.
Kept kissing“Are you telling me the rumors of you and Prince Emmett De Vere are unfounded?”
ressing room“I can’t be his mistress, he’s unmarried.” r or buy meHe didn’t think my joke was very funny. m. More than“You bring disgrace on this family.” ur unyielding“You made it clear that I wasn’t a member of your family. You wouldn’t mother, and Ieven pay for Mother’s headstone.” She wouldn’t have one at all if Emmett overness andhadn’t paid for it behind my back after listening to me cry about it one night.
“Don’t insult me with your insolence.” —but it was a“I’m the one being insulted.”
Just then there was a knock at the door, and a ruddy-faced woman in a ng at all. Buthigh-necked blue gown poked her head in. Behind her skirts peeked two little on oppositegirls, no older than eight and ten. had walls aA mask fell over my father’s face, and he smoothed out his suit jacket. “I ere there forthought I told you to wait outside for me, sweet,” he said to the woman.
“I tried, but they had other ideas,” the woman answered with a smile. The g career, but Itwo little girls pushed past her, giggling, and stormed into my dressing room. ng about meTheir hair, the exact same shade of brown as mine, was tied back in ribbons.
They had my eyes too; the resemblance took my breath away. It was like ow regularlylooking at myself as a little girl. that“Can we get her autograph, Papa, please?” they whined, jumping from foot to foot. way from theToo stunned to speak, I grabbed a fountain pen and scrawled my name on their programs.
I hadn’t seen“You looked just like a princess up there,” the little one whispered to me.
I couldn’t answer. My eyes burned with tears, and I was afraid that if I pression wasopened my mouth, all that would come out would be a sob. face in the“We’ll meet you in the lobby,” the woman said to my father, and she herded the two little girls out behind her. d our family“Your sisters,” he said tightly once they were gone.
“I gathered.” My voice cracked. “What does your wife think you’re doing nk expressionback here with me?” ake her living“I don’t keep secrets from my wife. She knows who you are, as does half of town, it seems.” I was surprised to hear him say it. I’d only been vaguely u’re referringaware of the rumors. “Your status as a particular favorite of Prince Emmett’s nd me in thehas gotten people talking, and because of your clumsy affair, tongues are wagging all over town about your parentage. We lived in peace before your
De Vere areselfish scandal.”
“That’s not my fault.”
“No, but it is your problem.”
“What do you expect me to do?”
“You’re going to quit the ballet; you’re going to stop seeing Prince You wouldn’tEmmett, and you’re going to enter the season as a respectable debutante and all if Emmettmake a suitable match.”
The air left my lungs. I couldn’t stop dancing. The idea of it felt like dying. “You can’t make me do that.”
“As it happens, I can. You’re looking at the newest patron of the Royal woman in aBallet. As your employer, I’m sorry to inform you that your contract is ked two littleterminated. My mother will pose as your godmother and sponsor your coming-out in society this spring. I am sorry. It gives me no pleasure to do suit jacket. “Ithis.”
Tears had begun to fall at this point and I loathed myself for it. I vowed a smile. TheI’d never let him see me weak. I felt ten years old again, wanting to burn his ressing room.fancy house to the ground. I felt selfish bitterness toward those sweet girls in ck in ribbons.the hall who had the same face as me, who got to be children in the way I was y. It was likenever allowed.
“You can’t make me participate. I’ll smash glasses at dinner. I’ll be a umping fromwallflower at balls.”
“That is your choice, but know that if you don’t cooperate, you will never my name onsee those girls again. Your sisters will want a relationship with you, Faith.”
I’d had no family since Mother died.
“I’ll consider it,” I said. fraid that if I“I’ll be in touch.” He strode out of my dressing room, leaving me in pieces in his wake, just as he always did. ther, and sheI took a carriage directly to Kensington Palace and screamed at the guards until they let me in to see Emmett.
As I told him all that my father had said, he paced on his long legs, you’re doingmaking big figure eights, Pig nipping at his heels.
“I’m so sorry, Faith,” he said. , as does halfI stood and crossed the room to him. “Marry me.” been vaguelyIt was a little satisfying to see Emmett shocked. He stopped dead in his nce Emmett’stracks and turned to me. “What?”
tongues are“Marry me, please, Emmett.” your“Why?”
“Because I know you. I like you. Please don’t leave me to the horrible men of the ton. I can’t bear the thought of being the second wife to some
half-alive duke, shuttled off to a country house so my new husband can keep his mistresses in London. Please, Emmett, I can’t bear it.” eeing PrinceI nearly collapsed in his arms, crying, but kept my dignity.
ebutante and“I can’t.”
“Why not?” I snapped. likeHe looked so full of pity as he replied, “Because we do not love each other.” of the RoyalI wouldn’t deny it. I did not love him, and I knew he did not love me. r contract is“But we like each other. That’s more than most people get.” sponsor your“Be honest with me, Faith. Do you think you could ever love me?” leasure to doThere was no sense in lying. We didn’t do that to each other. There was so much I admired about Emmett. He was generous and funny and or it. I vowedthoughtful. But it had been clear for months that he was never going to truly g to burn hislet me in. I couldn’t love someone content to keep me at arm’s length like sweet girls inthat. We didn’t fit together as we should. “I don’t think so, no.” he way I wasHe shook his head sadly. “Then I cannot marry you.”
He was a romantic in the way only men can afford to be. In that moment, ner. I’ll be aI hated him for it. I picked up a crystal goblet from the table at his bedside and hurled it at him. He ducked, and it shattered against the wall. ou will neverI stopped in the doorway. “I’m going to hate you forever for this.”
Emmett’s eyes welled up with tears, like he had any right to be sad. “I hope that’s not true.”
I slammed the door without another word, and he didn’t chase me. I hated eaving me inhim for that too. Some part of me still does.
He called to see me at my father’s home three days later with an at the guardsunexpected proposal. “Bram is going to take a bride this season. It should be
you.” is long legs,“Me?”
“Bram is kind. He’ll be a good husband.”
I knew Bram a little from my time with Emmett. He had accompanied us sometimes on walks around the grounds or games of croquet. He was good- d dead in hisnatured and easy to be around. He always treated me with respect. I could do much worse than having him as a husband. Even if he didn’t choose me to be his bride, my father couldn’t say I didn’t try at having a proper season. It was my favorite kind of gambit, the kind I won either way. the horrible“With my help, he’ll pick you.” wife to someWe shook on it like we were old pals, and for the first time, I felt hope
and can keepbloom within me. I wished I could speak through time back into that little attic room and tell my mother her only daughter was going to be a princess.
I met with Emmett for a month leading up to the season and learned all of Bram’s likes and dislikes, practiced making conversation and dancing.
Emmett had an odd hyperfixation on a maypole, but if there was one thing I not love eachwas confident about, it was my dancing, so I didn’t worry much.
I dressed for the Pact Parade, certain that the winner was going to be me. not love me.I wore my confidence like armor, waiting until the last possible second to sign my name, just as Emmett had instructed me. He’ll want to feel as if he’s earned you. Bram is noble like that. Along with Emmett, my grandmother— er. There wasposing as my godmother—put me through a gauntlet of lessons regarding funny andsociety manners. I had a new trousseau of dresses and diamonds in my hair. going to trulyThe two bright spots of my days were Hattie and Bea, my sisters, who s length likehad lit up the dark corners of my life. I despised my father with every fiber of my body, but he had made good on his promise of a relationship with my sisters. that moment,I fought as hard as I possibly could during the May Queen competition, t his bedsidebut was satisfied with second place. Emmett was adamant that I win, but what did it matter in the end, when I was prepared to shape myself into Bram’s perfect girl. to be sad. “ILater that day, when I entered the queen’s throne room to make my bargain, I felt very clever indeed. me. I hated“I want to know when people are lying to me,” I told her. I thought of me as a little girl and the lies my mother told me about my father. I hated ater with andishonesty above all things. . It should beThe queen smiled a knowing smile. It looked unnatural on her sharp face.
“In return, you may never tell a lie again.”
“Deal,” I said. I wasn’t a hypocrite. It seemed an easy enough bargain, better than giving up a toe and never being able to dance properly again. companied us“Is that what you’re afraid of, dishonesty?” she asked as soon as the deal He was good-was done. I thought on her odd question for a moment. ct. I could do“I’m scared of all sorts of things. Of losing my freedom, of my body oose me to befailing and having to stop dancing, of loving someone again and losing them eason. It waslike I lost my mother.”
“My, you are honest,” the queen replied.
I didn’t know exactly what form my bargain would take, but I soon found e, I felt hopeout.
nto that littleEmmett came to me that night in the garden of my grandmother’s house.
“It can’t be you. I’m sorry. I’ve changed my mind.” He stood with his hands learned all ofin his pockets and had the audacity to look sad for me. and dancing.A little ping went off in my head. “You’re lying.” as one thing I“I’m sorry.” He was gone in the dark before I could argue further.
Emmett was always slippery, too hard to pin down, but I think he liked it that ing to be me.way. ble second toWe moved into Caledonia Cottage for the remainder of the season, and on feel as if he’sthe first day, all of Bram’s suitors went around the table and shared their andmother—bargains. Marion Thorne made up some half-hearted lie about giving up the ns regardingability to smell flowers so that she would experience no more headaches.
Another little ping went off in my head, and I knew for certain she was lying. sisters, whoBut why? every fiber ofThen Emmett started flitting around Ivy Benton, who wasn’t nearly as ship with mygood at sneaking out at night as she thought she was.
If he wanted to ignore me? Fine. Wanting to replace me was competition,unforgivable. at I win, butFor weeks, it was only Marion who seemed to notice or care. I couldn’t myself intolie to her about why I was upset, so I told her the truth.
“He’s an idiot,” she said. to make my“You’re right.” It didn’t change anything, but it felt better to no longer be alone. hought of meAt first it was small things, the way she laid her hand on my knee or her ther. I hatedhead on my shoulder. I’d never felt butterflies like that before. I thought everyone else was being dramatic when they’d described it, but with Marion er sharp face.next to me, I suddenly understood.
Marion kissed me for the first time in the garden of Caledonia Cottage ugh bargain,under the big weeping willow tree, and it wasn’t until her lips touched mine that I felt it, that feeling that had always been missing with Emmett. on as the deal“I’ve wanted to do that for so long,” she whispered against my mouth, and I didn’t need the queen’s bargain to know she was telling the truth. of my body“I wish you would have done it sooner.” d losing themFrom that moment on, we were inseparable.
I was stupid to ask Emmett to kiss me at Count Doncaster’s ball. I was so mad for Marion, I thought maybe the pressure of the season had warped my I soon foundsense of reality and I was imagining the force of my feelings for her. I pulled Emmett into a drawing room and begged him to kiss me.
ther’s house.“Why?” he asked, his eyes soft. He always was exceptionally pretty. ith his hands“I need to compare it to something else.”
He leaned in slowly, reluctantly, overthinking everything as usual.
Emmett and I are good at kissing each other, we’ve had plenty of practice, rgue further.but that kiss in the Doncasters’ drawing room felt nothing but hollow. e liked it thatI pulled back, smiling. “I felt nothing.”
He grinned. “I should be offended.” eason, and on“But you’re not.” shared their“I’m happy for you, I hope you know that. I’ll do all I can for you both.” giving up the“What about Ivy?” I asked him. “What will you do?” e headaches.“I’m not sure what you’re referring to.” His voice turned remote. he was lying.I walked toward the door. “We don’t do that. Don’t start lying to me now.” n’t nearly as“There’s never going to be anything between Ivy Benton and me.” And my gift from the queen told me he thought he was telling the truth. I didn’t ce me wasfeel jealous. I just felt sad for him.
re. I couldn’tLater that night, I told Marion about my silly kiss with Emmett and all that it confirmed for me. She trailed her finger over my leg, and I finally worked up the nerve to ask her the question I’d wanted to since the first time I saw her at no longer bethe Pact Parade.
“Is there a reason you pretended we’d never met?” I asked. y knee or herHer finger stopped. She looked up at me, brown eyes wide with shock. re. I thought“What?” with Marion“That first day of the season, you introduced yourself to me like we’d never met before.” onia Cottage“We hadn’t.” Marion’s brows were furrowed as she searched her ouched minememory. “I would have remembered, I’m sure of it.”
I knew she wasn’t lying; I would have been able to tell if she was. I was st my mouth,hurt that she didn’t remember.
It was a few months before my father had arrived in my dressing room and mucked everything up. Marion, her mother, and her sister were in their private balcony box for a performance of La Sylphide. Her mother, a ball. I was sopatroness of the ballet, brought her daughters backstage after the performance d warped myto meet a few of the dancers. her. I pulledMarion looked so confident, that was the first thing I noticed about her.
She held her head like she knew she was the kind of person who mattered. I
curtsied as I met her family, and her mother smiled warmly and said, “Oh, no need for all that.” ng as usual.Marion’s sister was chatty, but Marion said hardly a word, just looked at y of practice,me with those clever eyes of hers.
“It was nice meeting you,” she said in a voice softer than what I’d expected.
“You as well, Lady Thorne.” And then she was gone. I didn’t see her again until the Pact Parade, where she introduced herself. It was silly of me to think she’d remember the meeting, no matter how significant it felt to me.
“I would have remembered meeting you,” Marion says once more.
“You did, at the ballet with your mother and sister.” lying to me“I haven’t been to the ballet since I was a child.”
“That’s not true, you came last fall to La Sylphide. I played a witch.” nd me.” AndMarion sits down and puts her head in her hands. “What else happened?” ruth. I didn’t“I made polite conversation with your family while you stood staring at
me, completely silent.”
Marion groans in embarrassment. and all that it“No, I found it rather charming,” I say with a laugh. “I complimented ly worked upyour necklace, which you tried to take off and give to me. I politely declined, e I saw her atbut the next day, there it was in my dressing room, wrapped in a bow. I wore it the day of the Pact Parade, but you didn’t even remember me, so I got too embarrassed to wear it again. I have it upstairs.” e with shock.Marion looks up at me, tears welling in her eyes. “I know what she took from me.” me like we’dI sit down next to her and put my head on her shoulder. “What?”
“Queen Mor, my bargain. I traded away my happiest memory in searched herexchange for writing talent. Faith, meeting you must have been my happiest
memory.” he was. I wasShe was telling the truth.
I blink away the memory and come back to the downstairs drawing room ressing roomof Caledonia Cottage, where Ivy Benton sits next to me, her lips bruised like were in theirshe’s just been kissing. er mother, aIvy is always lying; I’m sure it’s Emmett’s doing. It’s why I had to move performanceout of that room with her and in with Marion. I don’t regret that decision at all now, even though Marion drives me mad, staying up all night, scribbling ed about her.in her endless notebooks. o mattered. II feel a little guilty that Ivy thinks I don’t like her because of her feelings
said, “Oh, nofor Emmett. I actually think she and Emmett would make a good match. How unfortunate that it’s impossible for them to be together. ust looked atIt seems only determined anti-romantic Ivy Benton was strong enough to scale bleeding-heart Emmett’s thousand-foot-high walls. I don’t even know if han what I’dshe’s realized yet just how devoted he is to her. He never looked at me the way he looks at her, not even close. idn’t see herThat was part of Emmett’s and my problem. He was never practical silly of me toenough for me. Marion is all practicality. Shoved under her mattress is a timetable of ships leaving London for ports all around the world. At night, we pore over it and dream about the places we could go together. Next to the timetable are the half-finished manuscripts along with lists of publishers and the price they’ll pay per word once they’re finished.
It’s easy enough to leave England. Queen Mor takes pride in telling her subjects we are not her prisoners. But returning will be difficult. Once we ood staring atleave, the ports will be shut to us, by any legal means, forever.
The last day before the queen’s announcement of the winner feels like the stillness just before a thunderstorm rolls in on the horizon. None of us quite omplimentedknows what to say to each other. We pack our trunks while Emmy and Olive tely declined,crack jokes; we’re all moving out of this cottage regardless of what a bow. I woretomorrow’s results are. , so I got tooWe did the calculations last night, all gathered around the sitting room fireplace. Ivy Benton is winning, barely, with a score of 3.3. Marion and what she tookEmmy are tied at 3.6, and Olive and I are tied with 4. The queen never said explicitly that our scores would determine the winner, so it could be anyone’s game. memory inIf it’s Marion or me, we’ll run. my happiestI hope it’s Olive, for her and Bram’s sake. She’s been pacing up and down the halls, ranting that the scores could mean nothing, that it doesn’t matter that she’s losing. rawing roomAll day, we wait, yet no footman comes to gather us. No one has the s bruised likestomach to eat, despite Olive carrying tray after tray of tarts and scones and puddings from the kitchen. Just when we think she’s done, she comes out movewith another. at decision atIt isn’t until I’m in bed that I’m shaken awake by a footman. “Come with ht, scribblingme, miss.”
It’s the grand finale. I can hear the orchestra reaching its final crescendo. f her feelingsIt’s nearly time to take my bow. I am nothing if not a seasoned performer.
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