Greer Trummer
When my mother first told me that I couldn’t speak to Ivy anymore, I cried for a week. Then she sold my second favorite horse and told me she’d sell the other if I let my blubbering get in the way of preparing for the season, so the tears dried up quick. There was no winning with Mama. After eighteen years, I knew it well enough. She’d mostly stopped hitting me when I turned sixteen, but sometimes I wish she’d start again. Her psychological games are worse because they’re so much harder to predict.
Mama never liked the Benton sisters. They were so completely themselves, and I think that scared her, because Mama didn’t want me to be anything but her perfect little soldier. I didn’t know what a family looked like until I sat at the Bentons’ dining table and watched them gossip and debate things like art and philosophy. No one was told to lower their voice—that surprised me most.
Ivy would sometimes make biting comments about how she lived permanently in my shadow, but I was jealous of her too. Our jealousy fed on itself until it tangled into the very fabric of our relationship.
I wasn’t entirely surprised when Lydia ruined her family. She’d lived with the recklessness of someone who’d been told her whole life she was perfect. She didn’t fear missteps, because every step she’d ever taken had been met with applause. She was good at this life of ours. She loved being on display, living as if she were on a stage and this was all some big game.
When I was small, I thought I hated her; now I have enough self-awareness to know what I was feeling had another name: envy. It doesn’t matter much now, there’s no use in dwelling on it.
But something changed the year of Lydia’s debut. Ivy would turn up at my house with a worried look on her face and stories of whatever had happened the night before. Lydia wasn’t getting any callers, let alone any offers.
Between that and Lydia’s lack of a public bargain, it was an embarrassment, a blight on the family, and I pitied Ivy because she didn’t
seem to realize it yet. She was too busy being worried about her sister to be worried for herself.
Everyone always thought Lydia would marry Percival Chapwick. The day she refused his proposal, Ivy came over and wept in my bed all evening.
“She promised,” she wailed. I’ve never been good with people crying.
I wasn’t like the Benton sisters. I’ve always known exactly what my bargain would be. Mama and I decided it together when I was ten and it became clear I wasn’t going to grow into my nose. I’d spend hours looking atmore, I cried myself in the mirror, Mama just over my shoulder. She’d stroke her pinkieshe’d sell the over the bridge and say “just there.” It felt something like love. It was theeason, so the only way she knew how to take care of me.ghteen years, The Benton girls had none of our practicality.turned It’s why Ivy made a good best friend. She always had stories about faeriecal games are kings, or she wanted to make little houses out of leaves for the ducklings. I loved living in her world with her. I relished evenings at the Benton home,completely where no one was screaming. Her parents seemed to really like each other; Iwant me to be didn’t even know that was possible until I met them.y looked like Friends are tricky in this business of ours.p and debate It hurt to leave her behind, but I knew why I had to do it. I snipped ther voice—that threads that bound me to her like I was finishing an embroidery. I loved Ivy, but not enough to let her ruin me.w she lived I learned at my mother’s knee how to shove feelings deep down until Ifed on couldn’t reach them anymore. Ivy fit well in that dark place.
Her absence in my life left a hole in more ways than one. I’d lost not onlyShe’d lived a confidante and a friend, but also a way to fill my time. The hours I’dlife she was usually spend with Ivy were suddenly freed up. I took to going to the stableser taken had early in the morning, before fittings or etiquette lessons or promenadesved being on around the park. I was mostly avoiding my mother, but it was nice to strokeme big game. my horse’s neck and braid her mane.-awareness to It was there that I first started talking to Joseph again.matter much We’d been friends when we were young, and he used to let Ivy and me torment him. We’d chase him down and tie ribbons in his hair until held turn up at squirmed away from us. But he’d grown into nearly a man. I didn’t evenwhatever had realize he still worked for our family, thought maybe he’d gone away toet alone any school or something.
But there he was, in the dappled morning light of the stables, an apron onit was an and a farrier’s file in his hand.she didn’t
er sister to be“Milady.” His voice was so deep it made me jump. “I didn’t realize you were here.”
I startled, which startled the horse, who whinnied and bucked. I stumbledapwick. The backward and tripped over the hem of my dress. I would have gone flyingd all evening. into the stone floor of the mews if Joseph hadn’t caught me.
I remember looking up at him and realizing I’d never really seen him attly what my all. “I’ve got you” was all he said, and I fell in love right then and there.as ten and it I went to the stables every morning after that. We’d sip tea together onurs looking at bales of hay, and he taught me how to polish the tack. He was the first personke her pinkie who had truly listened to me since Ivy.e. It was the I scrubbed my hands raw so Mama wouldn’t see the black smudge of polish under my fingernails. We all laughed at Olive’s bargain, which left her with no nails, but honestly, she may have been smarter than the rest of us.s about faerie Joseph was too polite to kiss me, even though I’d hinted at it for weeks.ducklings. I In the end, I’m the one who had to lean in. It was a gray morning, misty withBenton home, rain, and I raised up on my toes and pressed my lips to his in the doorway ofeach other; I the barn. He was so startled he didn’t move, and I thought I’d misread everything. I pulled back, and he looked at me with his big blue eyes, then lifted me off my feet and confessed he’d loved me all his life. It wasI snipped the everything I’d ever wanted.. I loved Ivy, We met in secret for months. Joseph begged me to run away with him, said he’d use his bargain for a carriage fast enough to carry us to the Scottishdown until I border, or to have both our families forget we ever existed, so we could live in peace, but I wasn’t brave like him. I looked at my nose in the mirror andlost not only stuck to my mother’s plan.he hours I’d Mama caught us on the morning of the Pact Parade. It was reckless, Ito the stables knew that, but I needed to say goodbye. He’d made me promise to show himpromenades my old face one last time. I didn’t tell him then, but I had it all worked out.nice to stroke I’d marry some stodgy old widower and hire Joseph to work in our stables.
We could live a life together, even if it was only in the shadows.
Mama barreled into the stables and caught us just as the sun rose. Thet Ivy and me fury on her face screwed up her features so intensely, for a moment I didn’thair until he recognize her. She dragged me by my hair back up to my room, and JosephI didn’t even knew well enough not to stop her. She hit me on my stomach so the bruisesone away to wouldn’t show through my Pact Parade gown, used the heels of her hands so the blows landed sharp and precise. My father watched, his arms folded, an apron on across his broad chest, and told me it was all my fault, that I should have
’t realize youknown better.
I think maybe my mother dragged me to the dais to compete for Bram’s d. I stumbledhand because she wanted an excuse to take a knife to me, to watch me bleed. e gone flyingBut the joke was on her. I didn’t feel a thing when she cut me.
When I entered the queen’s throne room to make my bargain, I was so y seen him atnumb I couldn’t think, so I asked for what Mama and I had always planned. I regret that now. a together onI was surprised when Queen Mor looked down at me with a quirked head e first personand asked, “What is it you are most afraid of, Lady Trummer?”
No one had ever asked me that, not even Joseph. k smudge ofI settled on “having to tell the truth.” It was the truest answer I could which left herthink of, and one day, maybe, I’d be able to laugh at the irony in that. I’d built a life based on lies; I was honest enough with myself to know that. I told it for weeks.my mother I loved her. I told Joseph I’d be his forever. I acted like I didn’t g, misty withmiss Ivy at all. e doorway ofI planned a life in which I’d keep lying—to my eventual husband, to my I’d misreadmother, to myself. thenThe queen just laughed as I told her, and she said, “I’ve always admired life. It wasskilled liars.”
I walked out of that room with a new face and turned right at the door, the ay with him,queen’s laughter still echoing behind me. o the ScottishJoseph gasped when he saw me for the first time. we could liveI snuck to his closet-size room in the staff quarters the night of the Pact he mirror andParade. I was surprised to find him there. I thought for certain my mother would have fired him, but she knew keeping him around would hurt me as reckless, Imore. The flickering of his lantern lit up my new face. “Aren’t I prettier to show himnow?” worked out.He hesitated, and it made me angry enough that I was sick to my n our stables.stomach. “Tell me I’m prettier now, Joseph.”
“I thought you were perfect before.” He was still polishing the saddle he un rose. Thewas working on, like he couldn’t bear to look at me. ment I didn’tAn errant tear rolled down my cheek. “You’re wrong. You’re a stable m, and Josephboy, what would you know about refined taste?” o the bruisesI pushed and pushed until he said it, even though I could see in his face her hands sothat he didn’t believe it. “You’re prettier now,” he said, but he wasn’t as good arms foldeda liar as I was. In fact, he was rotten at it. should have“I know,” I replied.
“You’ll be a princess,” he said later, as he traced my bare shoulder when e for Bram’swe were in his bed together. ch me bleed.I could tell he believed it. I shook my head. “Probably not. He’ll pick Marion.” My hand stung where Mama had cut me. ain, I was so“How could anyone not want you?” But he didn’t look at my face as he ys planned. Isaid it, like he couldn’t anymore.
It’s been easy enough to sneak away to see him. Viscountess Bolingbroke quirked headsleeps like a log, and my parents’ residence is walking distance from the palace. I sometimes see Ivy’s shadowy figure crossing the lawn at the same time. I hope it’s to see Bram. I’d be happy for her. swer I couldI sneak through the streets at dawn and meet Joseph in the barn, just as y in that. I’dthe first rays of light stream through the dust of the tack room. He closes his ow that. I toldeyes as he kisses me, and it’s like nothing has changed at all. like I didn’tWhen Bram chooses some other girl and I’m a confirmed spinster, I’ll move back home and we’ll continue as we were. No one ever needs to know sband, to mythe truth.
ways admired
the door, the
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n my mother
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ee in his face asn’t as good
“You’ll be a princess,” he said later, as he traced my bare shoulder when we were in his bed together.
I could tell he believed it. I shook my head. “Probably not. He’ll pick Marion.” My hand stung where Mama had cut me.
“How could anyone not want you?” But he didn’t look at my face as he said it, like he couldn’t anymore.
It’s been easy enough to sneak away to see him. Viscountess Bolingbroke sleeps like a log, and my parents’ residence is walking distance from the palace. I sometimes see Ivy’s shadowy figure crossing the lawn at the same time. I hope it’s to see Bram. I’d be happy for her.
I sneak through the streets at dawn and meet Joseph in the barn, just as the first rays of light stream through the dust of the tack room. He closes his eyes as he kisses me, and it’s like nothing has changed at all.
When Bram chooses some other girl and I’m a confirmed spinster, I’ll move back home and we’ll continue as we were. No one ever needs to know the truth.
