Sunday, 12 March, 1944
Dear Kitty, I can’t seem to sit still lately, I run upstairs and down and then back again. I love talking to Peter, but I’m always afraid of being a nuisance. He has told me a bit about the past, about his parents and about himself. It’s not half enough though and I ask myself why it is that I always long for more.
He used to think I was unbearable, and I returned the compliment; now I have changed my opinion, has he changed his too?
I think so; still, it doesn’t necessarily mean that we shall become great friends, although as far as I am concerned it would make the time here much more bearable. But still, I won’t get myself upset about it—I see quite a lot of him and there’s no need to make you unhappy about it too, Kitty, just because I feel so miserable.
On Saturday afternoon I fell in such a whirl, after hearing a whole lot of sad news that I went and lay on my divan for a sleep. I only wanted to sleep to stop myself from thinking. I slept till 4 o’clock, then I had to go into the living room. I found it difficult to answer all of Mummy’s questions and think of some little excuse to tell Daddy, as an explanation for my long sleep. I resorted to ‘a headache,’ which, wasn’t a lie, as I had one … but inside!
Ordinary people, ordinary girls, teenagers like myself, will think I’m a bit weird with all my self-pity. Yes, that’s what it is, but I pour my heart out to you, then for the rest of the day I’m as impudent, gay, and self confident as I can be, in order to avoid questions and getting on my own nerves.
Margot is very sweet and would like me to trust her, but still, I can’t tell her everything. She’s a darling, she’s good and pretty, but she lacks the nonchalance for conducting deep discussions; she takes me so seriously, much too seriously, and then thinks about her queer little sister for a long time afterwards; she looks searchingly at me, at every word I say, and keeps on thinking: ‘Is this just a joke or does she really mean it?’ I think that’s because we are together the whole day long, and that if I trusted someone completely, then I shouldn’t want them hanging around me all the time.
