replied. And it certainly is, but oh, the work … ugh!
“You’ve all got to help shell peas on Saturday morning,” Mummy announced when we were at table. And, sure enough, the big enamel pan duly appeared this morning, filled to the brim. Shelling peas is a boring job, but you ought to try skinning the pods. I don’t think many people realise how soft and tasty the pod is when the skin on the inside has been removed.
However, an even greater advantage is that you get about triple the amount of when one only eats the peas. It’s an exceptionally precise, finicky job, pulling out this skin; perhaps it’s all right for pedantic dentists or precise office workers, but for an impatient teenager like me, it’s frightful. We began at half past nine, I got up at half past ten, at half past eleven I sat down again. This refrain hummed in my cars: bend the top, pull the skin, remove the string, throw out the pod, etc., They danced before my eyes: green, green, green maggots, strings, rotten pods, green, green, green. Just for the sake of doing something, I chatted away the whole morning, any nonsense that came into my head, making everyone laugh, as I was bored stiff. But every string that I pulled made me feel more certain that I would never, never be just a housewife!
We finally had breakfast at 12 o’clock, but from half past twelve until quarter past one we got to go skinning pods again. I was just about seasick when I stopped, the others too seemed so. I went and slept till 4 o’clock, but I’m still upset by those wretched peas.
Yours, Anne
Saturday, 15 July, 1944
Dear Kitty, We have got a book from the library with the challenging title, What Do You Think of the Modern Young Girl? I want to talk about this subject today.
The author of this book criticises, ‘the youth of today’ from top to toe, without, however, condemning the whole of the young brigade as ‘incapable of anything good.’ On the contrary, she is rather of the opinion that if young people wished, they had it in their hands to make a bigger, more beautiful and better world, but that they occupied themselves with superficial things, without giving a thought to real beauty.
In some passages the writer gave me very much the feeling she was directing her criticisms at me, and that’s why I want to lay myself completely bare to you and defend myself against this attack.
I have one outstanding trait in my character, which must strike anyone who knows me for any length of time, and that is my knowledge of myself.
I can watch myself and my actions just like an outsider. The Anne of everyday I can face entirely without prejudice, without making excuses for her, and watch what’s good and what’s bad about her. This self- consciousness haunts me, and every time I open my mouth, I know as soon as I’ve spoken whether ‘that ought to have been different’ or ‘that was right as it was.’ There are so many things about myself that I condemn, I couldn’t begin to name them all. I understand more and more how true Daddy’s words were when he said: ‘All children must look after their own upbringing.’ Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person’s character lies in their own hands.
In addition to this, I have lots of courage, I always feel so strong and as if I can bear a great deal, I feel so free and so young! I was glad when I first realised it, because I don’t think I shall easily bow down before the blows that inevitably come to everyone.
But I’ve talked about these things so often before. Now I want to come to the chapter of ‘Daddy and Mummy don’t understand me.’ Daddy and Mummy have always thoroughly spoiled me, were sweet to me, defended me, and have done all that parents could do. And yet I’ve felt so terribly lonely for a long time, so left out, neglected, and misunderstood. Daddy tried all he could to check my rebellious spirit, but it was no use, I have cured myself, by seeing for myself what was wrong in my behaviour and keeping it before my eyes.
How is it that Daddy was never any support to me in my struggle? Why did he completely miss the mark when he wanted to offer me a helping hand? Daddy tried the wrong methods, he always talked to me as a child who was going through difficult phases. It sounds crazy, because Daddy’s the only one who has always taken me into his confidence, and no one but Daddy has given me the feeling that I’m sensible. But there’s one thing he’s omitted: you see, he hasn’t realised that for me the fight to get the better of my problems was more important than all else. I didn’t want to hear about ‘symptoms of your age’ or ‘other girls,’ or ‘it wears off by itself.’ I didn’t want to be treated as a girl-like-all-others, but as Anne-on-her-own-merits.
Pim didn’t understand that. For that matter, I can’t confide in anyone, unless they tell me a lot about themselves, and as I know very little about Pim, I don’t feel that I can tread upon more intimate ground with him. Pim always takes up the older, fatherly attitude, telling me that he too has had similar passing tendencies.
He’s not able to connect with me like a friend, however hard he tries.
These things have made me never mention my views on life nor my well- considered theories to anyone but my diary and, occasionally, to Margot. I concealed from Daddy everything that perturbed me; I never shared my ideals with him. I was aware of the fact that I was distancing him from me.
I couldn’t do anything else. I have acted entirely according to my feelings, I have acted in the way that was best for my peace of mind.
Because I should completely lose my repose and self-confidence, which I have built up with such effort if, I were to accept criticisms at this halfway stage. I can’t allow that even to Pim, although it sounds very cruel, for not only have I not shared my secret thoughts with Pim but I have often pushed him even further from me, by my irritability.
This is a point that I think a lot about: why is it that Pim annoys me? So much so that I can hardly bear him teaching me, that his affectionate ways strike me as being put on, that I want to be left in peace and would really prefer if he let me be until I felt more certain in my attitude towards him.
Because I still have a gnawing feeling of guilt over that horrible letter that I
dared to write him when I was so wound up. Oh, how hard it is to be really strong and brave in every way!
Yet this was not my greatest disappointment; no, I ponder far more over Peter than Daddy. I know very well that I conquered him instead of he conquering me. I created an image of him in my mind, pictured him as a quiet, sensitive, lovable boy, who needed affection and friendship. I needed a living person to whom I could pour out my heart, I wanted a friend who’d help put me on the right road. I achieved what I wanted, and, slowly but surely, I drew him towards me. Finally, when I had made him feel friendly, it automatically developed into an intimacy which, on second thought, I don’t think I ought to have allowed.
We talked about the most private things, and yet up till now we have never touched on those things that filled, and still fill, my heart and soul most deeply. I still don’t know quite what to make of Peter; is he superficial, or does he still feel shy, even of me? But dropping that, I committed one error in my desire to make a real friendship: I switched over and tried to get close to him by developing it into a more intimate relation, not leaving open all other possibilities. He longs to be loved and I can see that he’s beginning to be more and more in love with me. He gets satisfaction out of our meetings, whereas they just have the effect of making me want to start again. And I don’t seem able to touch on the subjects that I’m so longing to bring out into the daylight. I drew Peter towards me, far more than he realises. Now he clings to me for dear life, I don’t see any way of shaking him off and putting him on his own feet. I soon realised that he could not be a friend for my understanding, but thought I would at least try to lift him out of his narrow-mindedness and make something of his youth.
“For in its innermost depths youth is lonelier than old age.” I read this saying in some book and I’ve always remembered it, and found it to be true.
Is it true then that grown-ups have a more difficult time here than we do?
No. I know it isn’t. Older people have formed their opinions about everything, and don’t waver before they act. It’s twice as hard for us young ones to hold our ground and maintain our opinions, in a time when all ideals
are being shattered and destroyed, when people are showing their worst side and do not know whether to believe in truth and right and God.
Anyone who claims that the older ones have a more difficult time here certainly doesn’t realise to what extent our problems weigh down on us, problems for which we are probably much too young, but which thrust themselves upon us continually, until, after a long time, we think we’ve found a solution, but the solution doesn’t seem able to withstand facing the facts. That’s the difficulty in these times: ideals, dreams, and cherished hopes rise within us, only to meet the horrible truth and be shattered.
It’s really a wonder that I haven’t let go of all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart. I simply can’t build up my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery, and death. I see the world gradually being turned into a wilderness, I hear the ever approaching thunder, which will destroy us too someday. I can feel the sufferings of millions and yet, if I look up into the heavens, I think that it will all come right, that this cruelty too will end, and that peace and tranquillity will return again. I, in the meantime, must uphold my ideals, for perhaps the time will come when I shall be able to carry them out.
