11. Heartbreak in the Dark
After escaping to my room, I fell onto my bed with a loud moan. I didn’t turn on the lights, just wanting to sit in the dark and fester in my feelings like the moody teen I was.
I hated today. I hated everything about it.
I wished Ace were with me. I wanted to fall into his sparky arms and sleep for the rest of eternity.
I didn’t even know if he was still coming over tonight to sleep with me. I couldn’t remember the last night we spent the night without him.
I couldn’t believe how long it had taken me to realize I had real feelings for him.
And not just any feelings. I was break-into-a-million-pieces-without-him, spend-the-rest-of-our-lives- together, head-over-heels in love with him.
And, holy shit, it was scary as all hell.
Should I tell him? My heart was screaming yes. But my head was giving me a million reasons why it was a horrible idea.
What if he didn’t like me back? What if I made everything awkward between us?
What if he laughed in my face? What if he started to distance himself from me?
What if I lost him forever?
Or what if…? What if he really did only want me for physical things just like Ben had suggested? I couldn’t deny that he’d been a lot more touchy-feely lately.
My face filled with heat as I thought about the way he had rolled my hips against his thigh yesterday morning, dry-humping my clit against him until I was brought to my first-ever orgasm.
It was mind-blowing.
I loved every second of it.
But I had been panicking ever since. I thought it was because I didn’t understand my emotions for him
but, now, I knew better.
I was panicking because I wanted more.
I wanted him—all of him. I wanted to be with him as more than just friends.
But then, when we got to school, he’d made it feel so dirty and lewd: “Do you mean when I made you cum for me while you moaned and whimpered in my ear?”
Maybe Ben was right. Maybe Ace was sexually attracted to me but had no interest in being in a real relationship with me.
Why else would he give me an orgasm and then pretend like it never happened?
Why else would he change the subject every time I brought it up?
My heart was in pitiful tatters in my chest. God, why does this hurt so much?
“Hey, Siri,” I spoke into my dark room, and my phone lit up atop the pillow next to me, “call Marta on speaker.”
My phone started to ring. Marta picked up seconds later.
“Thank god you called,” she exclaimed. “You have the most incredible timing in the whole world.”
I smiled, already feeling better. “So, you’re not busy? There’s something I really want to talk to you about.”
“Fuck, no. You’re giving me an excuse to put off writing the most boring English essay in the whole
world. ghts, just wanting “I’m pretty sure F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote The Great Gatsby just to torture high school students. Every other word in this goddamn book is a pointless metaphor.”
I snorted. “I didn’t think it was that bad.”
“You only think that because you had Ace by your side and the dude pulls good grades straight out of his ass.”
She wasn’t wrong. Ace was probably the smartest person I knew. He got As without even trying. He made for an amazing homework buddy.
“So, what’s up?” she continued. “What did you want to talk about?”
I chewed on my lip. “I have something to tell you.”
“Um, yeah, you mentioned that. Spill.”
“It’s kind of a big deal,” I added.
“Ooh, sounds juicy. My interest is piquing.”
“You have to promise you’re not going to make fun of me.”
“Oh my god, Doe, I’m your friend! I’m not going to make fun of you. Just tell me what happened.”
“Okay, okay.” I took a deep breath. “I-I think I might sort of…be in love with Ace.”
A moment of silence passed between us, and then, Marta screamed on the other side of the phone, “Fucking finally!”
She continued to squeal, forcing me to turn down the volume so that no one in my house would hear.
“It’s about damn time the two of you got together! Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for this?”
“You’ve been waiting for Ace and me to get together?”
“Not in a creepy way. You guys have such insane chemistry; it’s hard not to notice.
Besides, you’re basically already in a relationship. Might as well make it official.”
My heart raced. “So, you don’t think I’m crazy? It’s a good idea?”
“Of course it’s a good idea! I mean, Ace can be a bit of a grump sometimes, sure, but he loves you more than anything in this world. That much is obvious.
“Plus”—I could hear the smile in her voice as she whispered the next part—“I bet he’s amazing in bed.”
I covered my face in my hands to muffle my cough of embarrassment and felt the heat in my cheeks.
She had no idea. Ace and I had barely even done anything, but I could still say with complete confidence that he definitely knew how to take care of a girl in bed.
I mean, the way he had made me feel with our clothes on… What would happen when our clothes finally came off?
I shook those thoughts out of my head. I should not be thinking about sex with Ace.
Nope, nope, nope. Not until I talked to him about what was going on between the two of us.
“Can we please not talk about what Ace is like in bed?” I mumbled into the phone.
“Oh, don’t tell me you haven’t thought about climbing that boy like a tree. Oh my god, a tree is the perfect way to describe how big he is.” She giggled. “And you know what they say about big men…”
I nearly choked on my own spit. I’d never really thought about Ace’s you-know-what before. I had
seen him naked, sure, but not since we were little. I supposed things must be different down there now.
And bigger too.
“And we’re done talking about this,” I replied quickly. An unexpected sense of jealousy pulsed through me.
“Okay, okay,” she laughed. “So, when did you realize you liked him? How did this happen? I want details.”
“I think I’ve known it for a while but am just starting to admit it to myself. My feelings are becoming too intense to ignore. Do you think I should tell him? Would that be a horrible idea?”
“Yes, do it! You guys would be so cute together and—” She cut herself off. “Oh, wait.
Wait, wait, wait. Oh, shit.”
“What?” I asked. “What is it?”
“You said Ace isn’t there, right? He’s not with you?”
“No, he had plans tonight. I’m by myself. Why? What happened?”
“Um, okay, yeah, I have something to tell you but I don’t want you to panic because I don’t have the full story, so we can’t really know what’s going on.
“I wanted to tell you earlier but I didn’t want to do it when Ace was with you, and I didn’t think it was that big of a deal but now that you told me that you like him…”
I sat up in my bed. “You’re freaking me out, Marta. What is it?”
She took a deep breath. “I heard someone say that Ace and that new girl, Clara, have this crazy connection. Someone else said, ‘Do you think he’s going to ask her?’ and the other person said, ‘Yes.’”
“I—I…” I felt like I couldn’t breathe. “I don’t understand. Ask her what?”
“Well, to prom, probably. That’s what I figured. Or on a date, maybe? I really don’t know. But I heard it from a few different people around school today. It was all anyone was talking about.”
My world ground to a halt. I felt like I was about to puke.
“Doe?” Marta asked on the other side of the phone after a moment. Her voice sounded muffled and quiet due to the blood rushing in my ears. “Are you okay?”
I nodded even though I knew she couldn’t see me. “I—I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not. How could you be? You’ve been in love with Ace for years, and here I come, dumping this in your lap.”
“Years might be a bit of an over-exaggeration.”
“Come on, Doe, I’m your best friend. I see the way you look at him, the way the two of you interact.
“I thought Ace felt the same way about you until I heard all those things today and saw him walking out of school today with Clara—”
“He left with her?” My voice wavered. My entire body was shaking. “Are you sure?
You saw him?”
Marta hesitated before answering. “Yes. I saw them outside the window of my algebra class today. I’m so sorry, Doe. I know this is terrible timing.
“Shit, I shouldn’t have told you. I feel like the worst friend ever. It’s just, I thought you had the right to
know—”
“No, I’m glad you told me. I just…” I bit my lip, holding back tears. “I, um, think I should go.” sy pulsed through“No, wait, don’t hang up. Let’s talk about this. It’s not like you can’t still tell Ace how you feel. He hasn’t asked Clara out yet as far as I know. We could come up with a plan for how to tell him.”
“Yeah, maybe later.” I needed to get off the phone before I lost it completely. “I just don’t think I can talk about this anymore right now, Marta. I-I think I just need to clear my head.”
“Right.” Marta sighed. “Okay, I’ll let you go then, even though I feel like the worst friend in the whole world for dropping a bomb like that on you and then just leaving you.
“Please, please, please call or text if you need anything. I’m here for you.”
“Thanks, Marta. I love you.”
“I love you too. See you tomorrow?”
“Yeah. See you tomorrow.”
If I didn’t die of heartbreak first, that is.
class today. I’m
u had the right to
know—”
“No, I’m glad you told me. I just…” I bit my lip, holding back tears. “I, um, think I should go.”
“No, wait, don’t hang up. Let’s talk about this. It’s not like you can’t still tell Ace how you feel. He hasn’t asked Clara out yet as far as I know. We could come up with a plan for how to tell him.”
“Yeah, maybe later.” I needed to get off the phone before I lost it completely. “I just don’t think I can talk about this anymore right now, Marta. I-I think I just need to clear my head.”
“Right.” Marta sighed. “Okay, I’ll let you go then, even though I feel like the worst friend in the whole world for dropping a bomb like that on you and then just leaving you.
“Please, please, please call or text if you need anything. I’m here for you.”
“Thanks, Marta. I love you.”
“I love you too. See you tomorrow?”
“Yeah. See you tomorrow.”
If I didn’t die of heartbreak first, that is.
