CHAPTER 29
Maya
“HI,” I SAID, MY VOICE SMALL. “CAN I COME IN?”
Sebastian’s gaze slid from my hands back up to my face.
A muscle ticked in his jaw, the only indication he’d heard me.
He kept a white-knuckled grip on the doorknob.
His skin was pale, his eyes were bloodshot, and I could smell the whiskey coming off him from a mile away. He looked like hell, but my heart still wrenched at the sight of him.
“What are you doing here?” His voice was devoid of any warmth.
“I just want to talk.” A hard lump cinched my throat.
“Please.”
That one word seemed to undo him.
A visible shudder ran through his frame. His grip tightened on the doorknob before he released it and stepped silently to the side.
I walked in, my body soaking in the relative warmth when Sebastian closed the door behind us. My sweatshirt—his sweatshirt—wasn’t adequate layering for such a cold night, but I needed him to see it. To understand that, even if I couldn’t verbalize it, part of me would always belong to him.
The house smelled like him. The lights were off, but a spill of watery moonlight snuck through the curtains, illuminating his living room. I hadn’t been to his house since he moved downtown a few years ago, but the art, the fireplace, the perfectly worn-in leather furniture—it was all so quintessentiallyhim.
Sebastian came around so he faced me again. “You want to talk. Let’s talk.” His tone was measured, his face carefully blank.
He felt like a stranger, and though he was standing right there, the loss of him hit me all over again.
“I…” I’d rehearsed my speech during the cab ride here, but my mind completely blanked. It was one thing to play out this scenario in my head; it was another to get the words out when he was looking at me like he didn’t know me. But I had to dosomething, so I thrust the envelope at him, my nerves cramping. “Read this.”
His eyes grew colder. “I know what the letter says, Maya. I
wrote it.”
Right.
Frustration tightened in my lungs. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. I was supposed to walk in, give an eloquent speech about my feelings, and watch everything fall into place, but I couldn’t seem to do anything right these days.
For someone who was used to succeeding at everything on the first try, this was torture, but I deserved it. I didn’t tell him the truth when I’d had the chance, and now I had to start over at square one.
I curled my fingers around the edge of the envelope and
tried again. “When did you write it?”
“You know when.”
“I don’t.” The dam broke, and words tumbled out so fast they collided with each other. “That’s what I came here to say. I had no idea you wrote this. I didn’t get—”
“Is this a joke?” Sebastian stared at me in disbelief, his
words lashing through me like a whip. “Is this why you showed up, unannounced, to my house on a Friday night? To torture me some more? Is thisfun for you?” His voice was low, furious. “You’ve made your point. You fucking win, okay?
Congratulations. You win, and I lose. Now leave.”
“No!” Panic scrambled through my chest. My throat tightened as the frustration boiled over, choking me.
I’d been student body president. Debate champion. I was in charge of communications for a Fortune 500 company, for fuck’s sake. So why thehell couldn’t I communicate properly when it mattered the most?
I drew a shaky breath and silently counted to three before I spoke again. The pause helped clarify some of my thoughts.
“I didn’t come to rub the letter in your face. I wouldnever do that. I’m not sure what happened to make you think I received this, but I truly had no idea the letter existed until a
few days ago.”
“Bullshit.”
“Iswear. Why would I lie about that?”
“I don’t know,” Sebastian said flatly. “But you lie about a lot of things, Maya.”
The blow landed somewhere south of my gut. Hard. And I couldn’t even fight back because he was right. From lies of omission to straight-up denial, I’d hidden so many truths from him and, most importantly, from myself.
Pressure built behind my eyes.Do not cry. Don’t you dare cry.
“You’re right, but I’m not lying about this,” I said. “You can ask Diya. She helped me dig up my old school stuff last weekend, and I found it in my social studies notebook. I don’t know how it got there or why I didn’t see it earlier, but that is one hundred percent the truth.”
I didn’t have the best track record, but I was desperate to prove that I wasn’t the terrible person he thought I was. That I hadn’t come just to fuck with him when he’d been nothing but open and honest.
He could scorn me as a rival and doubt me as a partner, but I couldn’t bear the thought of him loathing me as a person.
I spotted a tiny crack in Sebastian’s mask before his face hardened again. “I don’t need to ask Diya anything. Iknow you received the letter when I first sent it. Do you know how?” He took a step toward me, his eyes smoldering with anger. “Because you wrote me back.”
The ground fell away beneath my feet. I swayed, reeling at the revelation. “That’s impossible.”
“Is it? I can tell you what you said, word for word.” His voice was clipped, his recitation cold and deliberate.
“Sebastian, thank you for your note, but I’m afraid there’s been a misunderstanding. Our relationship isn’t, and has never been, anything more than a semi-friendly rivalry. I appreciate that you’ve developed romantic feelings for me, but in the spirit of full transparency, I don’t feel the same. I just don’t see you that way. I’m sorry. However, I don’t want to make things awkward since our families are friends, and we’ll be attending the same college. So for the sake of preserving our peace, let’s chalk your letter up to misguided infatuation and pretend it never happened. Please don’t mention any of this again. Best, Maya.”
Nausea curdled my stomach. I wanted to throw up. I wasn’t sure what sickened me more—the casual cruelty of that response or the fact Sebastian had memorized every word.
For fourteen years, he’d lived with the mistaken knowledge that I knew how he felt and didn’t care. Every conversation we’d had, every moment we’d shared—tainted by some evil alternate version of me who’d tossed his feelings aside like trash.
How could he stand to look at me after that?
“I didn’t write that.” My voice sounded too thick and watery to be mine. I kept shivering, my skin icy despite the heat blasting through the vents. “I—”
“I still have it,” Sebastian said, his tone cutting. “Your response, signed and dated withyour signature.”
No. That couldn’t be right. Someone had to have forged my signature, or… or… Doubt clawed at me. Had I somehow blacked out and actually written that response? Even if I had, the odds of me completely forgetting about his letterand mine were slim to none.
There had to be another explanation, but I’d figure it out later. I had a more urgent problem to fix at the moment.
“Seb.” I grasped his arms, my chest pinching at the way he stiffened at my touch. “I swear on my entire family’s life that Inever wrote it. I don’t know who did. But youknow me.
Even if I didn’t—even if I felt that way, I wouldn’t have responded so callously.”
Sebastian stared down at me. For a second, I thought I might’ve gotten through to him, but then he shook his head and pulled free of my hold.
“Fine.” The anger drained from his face, and he suddenly looked exhausted. “You didn’t get the letter, and you didn’t write that response. It doesn’t matter. I told you,in person, how I felt last month. I asked whether you felt the same, and you didn’t. That’s all there is to it. We don’t need to rehash something that happened over a decade ago when I already have my answer.”
“But you don’t. That wasn’t…” I dragged in another unsteady breath and spoke carefully. I had to get this right. It was my last chance. “I didn’thave an answer at the wedding because I was scared, okay? Scared that things were changing too fast and I wouldn’t know where we’d end up. I don’t like change, and I hate uncertainty. They’re inevitable, but you—us—that’salways been something I could count on to stay the same. So when I started to feel… differently toward you, I didn’t know what to do. I was terrified of ruining that stability. Most of all, I was terrified of howreal things felt with you. You made me feel so seen and wanted,
and I both loved and hated it because that type of relationship would require me to show up. Showing up means risk. It means potentially getting hurt. And I think…”
My voice hitched. “I think any hurt that came from losing you would devastate me more than never having you to begin with.”
Sebastian’s face was so stony, he appeared carved out of marble. If it weren’t for the uneven rise and fall of his chest, I would’ve thought he hadn’t heard me at all.
“When you asked how I felt, the doubts started,” I said. “I wanted to say yes, but being in a different country, knowing we’d slept together the night before… I wasn’t sure if we were just caught up in the moment. What if the sex was clouding our judgment? What if I was something you needed to get out of your system, and you get bored with me in a few months? This was before I found your letter, and I couldn’t stop second-guessing everything. I panicked, so I didn’t give you a real answer. But I’ve had two weeks to sit and digest everything, and honestly…” My chin wobbled. “I missed you.
So much. I had a taste of what life would be like without you, and the emptiness of it overshadowed all of my earlier doubts.”
Sebastian didn’t move a muscle. He stared at me, his eyes unreadable, the lines in his neck corded with tension.
“What I’m trying to say is…” My heart climbed into my throat. It was my turn to lay all my cards on the table, and as petrifying as that was, I had to do it. I would never forgive myself if I didn’t. “I’ve found my answer. You asked whether I felt the same about you as you do me. The answer is yes.”
His composure finally cracked, and a ragged breath exploded out of him. “Don’t,” he said, the word tight with barely restrained emotion.
I took another step toward him, the ache in my chest so sharp it burned. “You wanted the truth. That’s mine.”
A flicker of anguish passed through his eyes before he tore his gaze away, his throat working with a hard swallow. “I
can’t do this again.” His voice was so low, I almost didn’t hear him. “I’ve spentyears waiting for you, hoping—” He cut himself off, his jaw clenching. “I was done. You don’t get to walk in after everything and upend my world again.”
Was done. Notam done.
Past tense.
A tiny spark of hope fluttered behind my rib cage.
“I know,” I whispered. I closed the remaining distance between us and pressed a soft, tentative kiss to his jaw.
Another shudder ran through him, but he didn’t push me away. “I know you don’t have a good reason to believe me.
But I have to try.”
My lips lingered on his skin. It was warm and rough with the faintest hint of stubble.
Sebastian closed his eyes, every muscle in his body coiling as if it hurt to have me this close. I slowly kissed my way across his jaw, one hand lightly braced against his chest. I could feel the rapid thump of his heart beneath my palm.
I’d said everything I wanted to say, and I wouldn’t blame him if he thought it wasn’t enough. If my late-night confession didn’t make up for the years of pain I’d put him through, knowingly or not.
But I hoped against hope that he tasted the depth of my honesty, and that he’d give us a chance even after all the lies and misunderstandings.
When I reached the corner of his mouth, I paused, my breath mingling with his. “Do you want me to leave?” I asked, my voice small with vulnerability.
It was a callback to our kiss in the garden a lifetime ago.
Tell me the truth. No more lies. Do you want me to leave?
I wished with everything in me that I could redo those forty-eight hours. Since that wasn’t possible, I had no choice but to wait, my stomach in knots.
Sebastian didn’t move for an agonizingly long moment.
When he turned his head toward me again, his expression was tortured. I saw the war raging inside him, and for a brief,
heart-stopping second, I thought he might say yes.
But his response came out rough and raw, as if he hated himself for his weakness. “No.”
I didn’t get a chance to react before he grabbed my face with his hands and crushed the word between our lips. His letter fluttered to the floor as I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him back with equal fervor.
Smoke and whiskey filled my lungs. The kiss was hard and desperate, like we were trying to make up for weeks, months, years of distance and longing. It was a culmination of everything we’d wanted but held back on, and the last barriers between us crumbled as I surrendered myself completely.
I wanted to drink him in forever, but we eventually had to break for air. We pulled apart, our foreheads pressed together as we caught our breaths.
Sebastian traced the edge of my locket with his thumb, his face softening. “Nice outfit,” he said, a tinge of familiar amusement in his voice.
Relief bloomed, free and unencumbered by my earlier uncertainty.This was my Sebastian, not the cold, unfeeling stranger who’d greeted me at the door.
“I figured the time for subtlety was long past. Also…” My breath hitched when his fingers brushed against the bare skin of my throat. “This sweatshirt is really comfortable.”
His chuckle filled me with warmth.
I didn’t want to ruin the moment by bringing up the past again, but I had to know. We had to figure out what’d happened, if only so we could put it behind us.
“All these years, you thought I wrote that awful response,”
I said. “Why didn’t you confront me about it? If I confessed my feelings to someone and that was their reaction, I would’ve lost it.” It was one thing to turn someone down; it was another to do it so heartlessly.
But Sebastian had never given any indication he was mad at me. Our banter and rivalry had continued, uninterrupted,
through college and our twenties. It wasn’t until Radhika’s wedding that I had an inkling something was wrong.
“Because,” he said quietly, his gaze coming up to meet mine again. “I didn’t want to lose you.”
Emotion swelled in my throat. I thought about all the years we’d lost, and another ache ripped through me.
But strangely enough, part of me was also glad our relationship had unfolded the way it had. I wasn’t sure our younger selves would’ve been mature enough to make it in the long run. We were different people back then, still learning, still too stubborn and prideful to bend even when the situation called for it.
“You won’t lose me,” I said. “I’ll always be here.”
Sebastian smiled, but it didn’t fully reach his eyes. “Don’t break my heart, Sal.”
My chest fractured. How could I break his heart when he was already breaking mine?
I stood on tiptoes and kissed him again, letting my touch convey the emotions I didn’t have the words to articulate.
The taste of whisky wasn’t as strong this time around, but it was still enough to make me dizzy. “How much did you drink tonight?” I asked, half amused and half worried.
“Enough that I thought it might make me forget a certain person who haunted my every waking moment.” His tone was sardonic.
His reply shouldn’t have made me as happy as it did. At least I wasn’t the only one consumed by our separation these
past few weeks. “Did it?”
“Not even close.”
Sebastian pulled me close again, and any stray thoughts vanished as I lost myself in his embrace. He made me feel like the rest of the world didn’t exist when we were together, and I couldn’t believe there’d been a time when I thought I could survive without him. Withoutthis.
My hands roamed over his shoulders and down his arms.
Our kiss grew hotter, more urgent, but when I tried to tug his
shirt over his head, he stopped me with a shake of his head.
“Not tonight,” he said.
I blinked. “You’returning down sex?”
“For the time being.” Sebastian’s mouth quirked at my sputter of disbelief. “I want to do this the proper way.
Courtship first, then sex.”
“But…” I was flabbergasted. “We’ve already had sex.”
“That was before we started dating.”
A wave of flutters swept away my indignation.Dating. For once, the word didn’t send dread crashing through me.
“Is that what we’re doing?” I teased, unable to stay upset when I wasthis close to floating off the ground. “I don’t remember you asking me to be your girlfriend.”
“That’s because you asked me to be your boyfriend first.”
“I did no such thing.”
“Really?” Sebastian drawled. “Because you’re the one who showed up at my house, wearing my sweatshirt and…”
“Fine, fine.” I laughed. “We’ll call it a tie. We askedeach other to be official.”
“I should’ve known you’d fight me even on semantics, but that’s what I signed up for.” He brushed my hair out of my eye, his touch tender. “I’m glad you came tonight,” he said softly.
I smiled, something inside me melting. “Me too.”
I was the type of person who lived in the future. I was always thinking three steps ahead, my brain hard-wired to plan for future contingencies.
But for once, I let those instincts rest and simply… existed in the moment.
It was one of the best I’d had in years.
Dear Maya,
It feels weird to write to you when our last written correspondence was in fifth grade. I won our school spelling bee after you got tripped up by “chiaroscurist,” and you left me a note filled with quite a few choice words of your own. I have to say, I’ve never seen someone use “truncheon” and
“rectum” in such a creative sentence before. I wasn’t the most gracious winner, so I suppose I deserved it. The note I wrote back wasn’t very nice, either.
But fifth grade was a long time ago, and some things can only be expressed through ink on paper. I’m sitting alone in the library, where we’ve spent countless nights arguing about the most mundane of topics, and the illusion of anonymity is what gives me the courage to write this letter. That… and the memory of you, sitting right across from me. I think you’d laugh if you saw how nervous I am right now.
I debated for months over whether I should tell you at all. It’s terrifying to imagine how you might react, but we’re about to graduate, and even though we’ll be attending the same university, I have a feeling that if I don’t say this now, I never will.
So here’s the truth: I love you. Fully, inexplicably, and painfully. I’ve loved you in silence, through the turbulence of the years, and in the margins of our rivalry. You’re all I think about when I’m awake, and you’re all I dream about when I’m not. It is… agonizing.
I tried to deny it because I’m supposed to hate you. You were the thorn in my side, the obstacle on my way to success. You’re the only person who’s ever challenged me, and I didn’t know how to handle it. I wasn’t used to being bested, especially not by someone who was so happy to rub it in my face.
Honestly, it pissed me off.
But somewhere along the way, my feelings changed. I don’t know when, or how, or why. I’m sure it doesn’t matter. What matters is that the very things I hated about you in the beginning are the things that I love about you now… your drive, your intelligence, your wit (which you’ve used against me many times), your sense of humor and your audacity to be openly proud of your accomplishments. You don’t shrink yourself to fit into the boxes other people built for you, and sometimes, the sting from your thorns is the only thing reminding me that I’m still alive.
Without you, my life would be an empty canvas, pristine in its perfection but yearning for color to fill it.
You see me as your rival, and part of me will always be that. I think we’re both too proud to ever stop competing in one way or another. It’s a core part of our relationship, and I wouldn’t want it to change.
But I hope that when you read this, you’ll also see me as something more.
It’s possible I may have imagined the significance of our shared moments or read too much into the glances between us. This type of love isn’t something I have experience with, so like I said, it’s terrifying to think about how you might react.
However, I once read a quote that stuck with me: “Risk must be taken because the greatest hazard of life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.” Leo Buscaglia.
So here I am, taking the biggest risk of my life to tell you that I love you, part of me has always loved you, and part of me will always love you, no matter how you respond. If there’s even the slightest chance that you feel the same, then every risk I took would’ve been well worth it.
Love, Sebastian