22
I’M NOT ANXIOUS; I’M IN
CONTROL
Carter
“STOP SMILING LIKE A JACKASS.”
“You can’t prove shit, old man.”
Hank nds my face, shoving it away. “I know you like the back of my hand, Carter.”
Chuckling, I nish rearranging the food on his plate before sliding it over to him. “Steak is at twelve o’clock, scrambled eggs at three, hash browns at six, toast with jam at nine.”
“Why don’t you go ahead and tell me why you’re smiling.” He gestures at me with his fork. “Does it have anything to do with why you showed up three hours early today and we’re having breakfast instead of lunch?”
Dublin’s head whips back and forth between me and Hank, watching every disappearing bite. Poor guy’s got a puddle of drool so big gathering at his feet that I’m beginning to worry might be a slipping hazard, so I let him eat a breakfast sausage from my hand.
“You feeding my damn dog again? You spoil him.” Hank grabs a piece of
steak, smiling when Dublin devours it.
“I have a date today.”
Hank’s fork pauses in midair, his mouth hanging open. He doesn’t have to look so shocked. I’m date-worthy. I can date. It’s not a big deal.
“Olivia?” he nally whispers. “You got the girl back?”
“Obviously.”
He claps his hands together before reaching out to grasp mine. His smile is so broad, so genuine, that mine grows too. “I knew you would, Carter. Didn’t I tell ya, Dubs? I told you Carter would win her back. You said he was clueless, but I knew better.” He pats Dublin’s head. “You shouldn’t talk like that about him when he’s not around, buddy. He’s an okay guy.”
I narrow my eyes, shoving bacon into my mouth.
“Did you kiss her?”
“Mhmm. Didn’t mean to, though.” A perfect example of how in control I am, which is to say not the fuck at all. Frankly, it’s a miracle I didn’t fuck her in the bathroom at the party.
“What the hell do you mean you didn’t mean to? Who doesn’t mean to kiss a beautiful lady they’re trying to win over?”
“I’m trying to take control.”
Hank snickers into his napkin. It spirals quickly, until he’s keeled over the table and everyone is looking to see what’s so funny.
“Control? You? A man?” He slaps a palm down on the table. “Carter, let me tell ya something, son. In a relationship, the only person ever in control is the woman. She always—always, always, always—has the power. She owns you and those dangly things between your legs.” He cups both hands side by side, around imaginary balls, I presume. “The sooner you realize that the better.”
“I don’t think so. I did a pretty good—”
“No, you didn’t. You kissed her even though you didn’t mean to. Why?
Because she has the power. Because you took one look at that pretty face and you crumbled to the oor at her feet. And you always will, because you’ll put her before anyone and everything else.”
Well, that’s kinda scary. Hockey’s always been my priority. Olivia couldn’t
possibly overtake it. … Could she?
“When do I get to meet the special lady?”
“If I want to keep her around?” I sip my milkshake. “Never.”
He chuckles, tossing a balled-up napkin at me. “Son of a bitch.”
Hank and I head out for a walk before I take him home, helping him settle in his La-Z-Boy. Dublin tucks himself into his side while I get Hank set up with his audiobooks. He loves listening to smutty romances. He says it’s the only action he gets anymore.
“Have fun on your date, Carter. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”
I look down at the cover of the book that’s displayed on the tablet I got him two years ago for his birthday. Fifty Shades Darker. “I don’t think we need to worry about that.”
His hand searches for mine, and when I take it, he squeezes. “Love you.”
“Love you, too, you dirty old man.”
I’M NOT ANXIOUS; I’M IN control. There’s a dierence.
If I were anxious, would I have gotten here twenty minutes early and stayed
in the car?
Maybe.
If I were anxious, would I just be staring up at Olivia’s house? … Also maybe.
It’s not as if I don’t know how to go on a date. It’s not like I have very real feelings for her that scare the living shit out of me. If I were anxious, would I— okay, I’m fucking anxious. But it’s not a big deal. Everyone feels this way before their rst date, right? Whether they’re sixteen or about to be twenty-eight.
Right? Right.
Plus, the startled half scream I hear when I nally ring the doorbell says
Olivia’s just as anxious.
“Shit. He’s early. I’m not ready.”
I glance at my watch. I’m one minute and thirty-two seconds early. And as I mentioned, I’ve been here for twenty minutes, sitting in my car. I got out three times, made it up the front steps, then hightailed it back to the car.
But it wasn’t because I was anxious.
Olivia still hasn’t answered, so I ring the bell again, three times in quick succession, grinning at the curses ying from her mouth as her footsteps stomp closer.
The door swings open, revealing Olivia in all her glory.
In her pajamas.
She’s wearing an oversized University of BC tee with a hole on the side of her waist, and a pair of striped long johns that are so long they completely cover her feet, except for her pink toes. I did tell her to dress casually when I called this morning.
“This is slightly more casual than I was going for, but we can make it work.” I shake the snow o my toque and step inside. “You’re rocking the whole I-woke- up-like-this vibe.” I wink. “Kinda makes me wanna take you back to bed.”
One of the things I like about Olivia is I never know what I’m going to get.
Sometimes she’s quick with the sassy comebacks, and sometimes, like right now, she just stares up at me while her face oods with heat.
I thought I was nervous? Psssh.
“Oh my God,” she whispers. “I haven’t said a word yet, have I?”
“You’re just kind of staring at me,” I conrm.
She buries her face in her hands. “I’m a fucking mess this morning.”
“That’s okay. It makes me feel better about it taking me four tries to actually
knock on your door.”
“I thought you were in control.”
“Can I tell you the truth?” Hooking a nger beneath her chin, I tilt her face up. “I’ve never felt so fucking powerless. That’s why I’m gonna kiss you now instead of waiting until the end of our date like I promised myself I would, okay?”
She smiles, and I press my lips to hers, desperate to taste it. It’s tentative at rst, a slow exploration, testing the boundaries. But then her lips part on a sigh, letting me sweep in, and she sts my coat when her knees buckle.
“Ol,” I whisper against her lips.
“Mmm.”
“Go get dressed.”
Her grunt is as unimpressed as her glare, and I watch her ass bounce in those thin pants as she struts down the hall and disappears.
I take in the small entryway, smiling at the lanyard I gave her for Christmas that’s hanging beside her coat, two keys and an ID badge attached.
I’m kinda nosy, so it only takes me a minute to nd her skates. My thumb glides over the blade, pleased to nd them sharp, and I slip out the door and tuck them in my trunk before she notices I’m gone.
I peel my coat o, trying to ignore the biting chill in the air as I wander into the living room. There’s a stack of romance novels on the coee table that would likely pique Hank’s interest, next to a stack of graded tests on the female reproductive system, and the pen that rests on top has perfect teeth marks engraved in it.
There are a cluster of picture frames on her TV stand, and I nd my favorite one immediately. Olivia is sitting in front of a Christmas tree, a smiling baby in her arms—terrifying—and that small brown-haired girl from Cara’s picture glued to her side. Her smile is the biggest I’ve ever seen it, shining all the way up in her eyes, and I want to make her that happy.
“That’s my niece and my nephew,” Olivia tells me from the doorway.
“Alannah and Jem.”
This woman before me is so eortlessly gorgeous I don’t know what to do with myself, and when she ddles with her hands, blushing, I just want to scoop
her up and take her home.
“I’m sorry it’s so messy in here.”
Her timid whisper is weighed down with vulnerability, like she’s ready to start letting me in. What doesn’t sit right with me is that she seems worried that I might not like all of her once I know her.
I take a seat on the couch, patting the cushion beside me. “Come here.”
She nods, but remains rooted in place.
“One foot in front of the other,” I tease.
A goofy grin lights her face, and she claps a hand to her forehead. As soon as she’s within reach, I pull her down to me.
“I know we talked on Friday night, but I think we should air everything out so we can start fresh and keep on with those explosive kisses, yeah?” I give her hand a squeeze when she doesn’t answer. “Ollie?”
“Oh! Oh my God! I answered in my head. Yes, I wanna kiss you. Oh crap.”
Her eyes widen and she jerks her hands back. “I mean, I want you to kiss me.
No!” She grips her own face. “Talk! I want to talk! Oh fuck. This is awful.”
“You’re fucking adorable when you’re nervous.” I twirl a curl around my nger. “I just need to know how you’re feeling.”
“I’m scared,” she admits. “Scared that your feelings are temporary.”
“I spent nearly two weeks trying to convince myself they were temporary, to let go of them and let go of you after you walked out. It didn’t work. They got stronger somehow, and that was really confusing, especially when I thought you were on a date. I didn’t know why it was so easy for you to move on, but impossible for me.”
“It was just Alannah,” she assures me. “She spends the weekend here sometimes and we go on all these dates, like out for lunch and to the movies.”
“Cara told me. If I’d just asked…” I scratch the back of my head, heat rushing to my ears. “Are you mad at me for what I did?”
Olivia covers my hand with hers. “No, Carter. I know you were hurting and you were trying to x it.”
“I was so disappointed in myself. Just for considering it for even a minute. I didn’t know how to handle what I was feeling.”
“Sounds like we both need to be a little more patient with ourselves.”
I watch our ngers tangle, admiring the perfect way they seem to t together.
Then I swallow and go for it.
“I want to date you, Ollie. I want to take you for dinner and go see Disney movies and dedicate my goals to you without feeling bad about it. I want us to
give this a real shot.”
“That’s a big change for you.”
“One I’m ready to make if it’s me and you.”
Her cheeks ush, teeth skimming her bottom lip. “I’m kind of an all-in type of person, Carter. I have to be able to envision a future with someone before I decide to take the next step. It’s why a genuine connection is so important to me, and I feel like I have that with you. So if that scares you… I just want you to know.”
I think about the lanyard I picked up on Christmas Eve, the day after the fundraiser, because I knew I wanted to get her something. But it was the words I wrote that meant the most to me. I was looking forward to the new year, because I was looking forward to a year with her in my life.
“I’m all in, as long as it’s you I’m all in with.” My lips meet hers with a gentle, sweeping kiss, brushing her hair behind her ear when we part. “Are you still
scared?”
“Yes.”
“What are you most afraid of?”
“Falling,” she answers quietly and without hesitation.
“I’ll catch you.”
“Promise?”
Bringing her to me, I sear her with a kiss that feels every bit like a future I
never knew I wanted.
“Promise.”
