increases his stress, which hits his brake even harder. And when Olivia feels stressed about the fact that she wants sex and Patrick doesn’t, that increases her stress, which activates her accelerator even more. I call this “the chasing dynamic” (more about it in chapter 7), but
Olivia had her own term for it: “Shit show.”
Patrick added, “And it comes at a time in the semester when we’re both already stretched too thin and can barely feed ourselves, much less talk about our feelings. How can we fix it?”
I shrugged. “Easy. Work out a plan when you’re both calm, and then use the plan when you’re stressed.”
Olivia said, “Oh.”
There it was again—the disappointment that waved a giant red flag over a big emotional . . . something. Last time I missed it. This time I caught it.
“You were hoping for a different answer?” I asked.
“I was sort of hoping we could fix me.”
“Fix you? Are you broken?”
“I guess not,” she said, “but I just . . . it doesn’t feel good, the out-of-controlness. I was hoping I could rein that part in, both for my own sake and so that I don’t drive Patrick completely insane.”
Which is not unusual. The context of stress plus sex doesn’t bring with it an increase in pleasure. On the contrary, when she’s stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed, Olivia said, “I feel this drive to orgasm, but it’s a drive that disconnects me from my body and from Patrick. I hate it. It’s like I’m a visitor in my body. Out of control.”
It’s a perfect example of eagerness without enjoying.
“Ah, so it’s a challenge in your relationship and also it’s uncomfortable for you individually,” I said. “It’s pretty simple to
change—simple, though not always easy.”
They both said, “How?” you can’t make them I use italics when I describe expecting, eagerness, and enjoying in order to be clear that I don’t mean wanting, seeking, or expecting in the usual sense of, “Hey, what do you want for dinner?” or “I wasn’t expecting the Spanish Inquisition.” There is no deliberate intention—and often not even 19any awareness—accompanying the activation of these brain systems.