Yes. That. when partners dismiss!
I see it all the time. People hear me talk about emotion coaching and then tell me about all the ways their partner dismisses their feelings. They ask what they can do about it. I’ve found there are two especially important ground rules for couples when it comes to communicating about sex.
Neither of you chose your feelings—but both of you choose how you feel about those feelings. One of the most problematic messages in emotion dismissing meta-emotions is that emotional reactions are a choice. Like you’re “choosing” to have responsive desire or “choosing” not to have orgasms with intercourse.
But you don’t choose that stuff. You didn’t choose the brain chemistry you were born with, you didn’t choose the family or the culture you were born into, and you don’t choose what your body does today in response to sexually relevant stimuli.
What you can choose is how you feel about all of that—and so can your partner. And feeling okay with it is what makes the difference. If you’re in a relationship where one partner wants sex more than the other, it is seriously unhelpful if one partner feels that the other is “choosing” their desire level.
Remember the chasing dynamic from chapter 7?
What you do choose is compassion—or not. Patience—or not. With both yourself and your partner. When you find yourself stuck in a frustrating argument about sex, ask out loud, “Are we both choosing compassion and patience right now?” (Hint: You can’t make someone be patient any more than you can make someone have an orgasm. You create a great context, and then allow it to happen.) Feelings aren’t dangerous . . . though they can be used dangerously.
One of the central messages in emotion dismissing meta-emotions is that feelings are inherently dangerous—toxic and hurtful to yourself and the people around you. People may believe this if they grew up in a world where people used feelings to injure or manipulate others—and using your feelings to deliberately hurt people is against the rules. Most important: You’re not allowed to use your own feelings to injure or manipulate yourself! (Self-compassion!) Nor are you allowed to use them to injure or manipulate your partner or others—and other people, including your partner, aren’t allowed to use them against you, either.