love—and sometimes they don’t. They happen while you’re masturbating— and sometimes they don’t. They can happen from clitoral stimulation, vaginal stimulation, thigh stimulation, anal stimulation, breast stimulation, earlobe stimulation, or mental stimulation with no physical contact at all— or not during any of these. They can happen while you’re asleep, while you’re exercising, or while you’re in a variety of other completely nonsexual situations. They can be delightful, humdrum, spiritual, annoying, ecstatic, fun, or frustrating. Sometimes they’re awesome. Sometimes they’re not. Sometimes you want them. Sometimes you don’t.
In this chapter, we’re on a quest to explore the entire landscape of orgasmic experience, so that we can find our way to the secret garden at the center of it all. To begin, I’ll tell you what orgasm is not: It is not a genital response, “pleasure,” hierarchical, or an evolutionary adaptation. I’ll roll out a red carpet of statistics and a cheering crowd of women’s stories, to normalize your experience (or lack thereof) of orgasm. Then I’ll describe what it takes to overcome difficulty with orgasm, whether it’s learning to have that first orgasm or learning to orgasm in different contexts. And I’ll tell you how to find inside yourself the kind of orgasm that makes the stars explode into rainbows.
I want to prove to you that whatever your orgasms are (or aren’t) like is normal, and I want to empower you to have the most profound and intense orgasms you’re capable of, orgasms that turn the universe inside out. It’s possible for everyone, I believe, but only when you let go of all the things orgasm isn’t.
What to Do if You Find Yourself Spectatoring Humans, unlike all other species, can be in control of their brains, rather than their brains being in control of them.
We can notice what we’re thinking or feeling, and we can do something about it. That’s the key to managing any form of performance anxiety, including spectatoring: Notice what you’re paying attention to, and then shift your attention to the thing you want to pay attention to.
This is easier said than done at first, but with practice it becomes easier done than said! Here’s how: Suppose you’re standing in line at the grocery store or sitting on the bus. Let yourself notice your breathing. In.
Pause. Out. Pause. In. Pause. Out. Pause. Two breaths, just like that. Notice, and smile. Notice five to ten times a day.
And notice, above all, when your attention wanders during those two breaths—which it will, that’s normal. When you notice your mind wandering, smile at those other thoughts, let them go, and gently return your attention to where you want it to be. That skill right there? That’s mindfulness. Noticing when your attention wanders from the thing you’re trying to notice is the skill that will help you stop spectatoring, because you’ll learn to notice the spectatoring and to redirect your attention to the sensations in your body. nonconcordance—now with orgasms!
The first thing orgasm isn’t is a genital response.
In chapter 2, I described Masters and Johnson’s research measuring the physiology of the sexual response cycle. There were certain cues that the