also guilty and hurt because just being asked makes Person B feel like there must be something wrong. Meanwhile Person A may even start to wonder, “Am I broken? Do I want sex too much? Am I sexually obsessed or
compulsive?” It’s a mess.
So how do you “fix” it?
We know the answer by now: The problem isn’t the desire itself, it’s the context. You need more sexually relevant stimuli activating the accelerator and fewer things hitting the brake.
Here are three ideas that the research suggests will make that happen. maximizing desire . . . with science! part 1: arousing
the one ring In season 2 of the Canadian TV series Slings & Arrows, theater director Geoffrey Tennant coaches a pair of young actors struggling to play Romeo and Juliet. He tells them to run as fast as they can around the block, chasing each other, then intermittently do push-ups while breathlessly panting their way through the text of the balcony scene.
“Juliet’s” assessment of how this technique changes her appreciation for the text: “Wow it’s just . . . passionate, it’s . . . really poetic, but it’s really, um, sexual, too,” she gasps.
What could aerobic exercise have to do with a pair of teenagers falling in blazing love with each other?
28 Arousal.Generic heart-thumping, hard-breathing activation of the central nervous system, because (in part) of the hedonic One Ring of the brain.
The One Ring, you remember, is about moving toward or moving away —approach and avoidance, desire or dread. How strongly you desire or dread something depends on the intensity of the activation in the One Ring.
Because there’s only One Ring to rule all of your emotional systems, activation of one motivational system can turn up the volume on activation of another motivation system. And what increases intensity of activation?
The research suggests two kinds of strategies for building intensity.
Strategy 1: Stuff That Raises Your Heart Rate. Early in a relationship, go for heart-pumping intensity, like Romeo and Juliet doing push-ups while they recite their lines. Ride roller coasters, go on long, fast hikes together through the wilderness, watch scary movies, go to giant concerts or political rallies. If you’re a nerd like me, talk about science for hours on end. Do