being into Manly Fix-It Dude-Speak for him. So I started by saying, “Arousal is not about her genitals, it’s about her brain.”
Then I described the sexual response mechanism as a set of on and off switches, with each associated with a particular kind of input— genital sensations, relationship satisfaction, stress, attachment, etc.— that throws a switch on or off. Men’s and women’s sexual response mechanisms have the same set of dials and switches, but they tend to be tuned to different levels of sensitivity, so that just a little bit of genital stimulation throws an on switch for men, while just a little bit of stress throws an off switch for women. Laurie’s life, I explained, was throwing all the off switches.
He said, “You’re saying I’ve got this strong input from my body, but her strongest input is from her . . . life?”
“Yes!”
“So to hack the system, what I need to be paying attention to is the stuff that’s hitting the brakes, because once those are off, the accelerator will take over. Is that what you’re saying?”
“Yes. You’ve got it. I think she wrote a list of stuff that hit her brakes—”
“She did,” he said. “I’ve seen it. I didn’t know what to do with it, but now . . .” He stared at me for a moment, then shook his head and said, “This really changes everything. What this says is that the sexiest thing I can do isn’t some crazy erotic thing. The sexiest thing I can do is take away as many of the brakes as I can, which is . . . I mean, I can do that. Just . . . why did no one tell me this before?”
“honey . . . I’m nonconcordant!”
If you’ve got a body that doesn’t always match your mind, then you’ve got a body that defies conventional (and wrong) wisdom, and so you might find yourself in the position of having to correct your partner’s understanding. There are three things to remember, which can resolve any problem your nonconcordance may generate.
First, remember that you are healthy and functional and whole. Your body is not broken and you are not crazy. Your body is doing what bodies do, and that’s a beautiful thing. Hooray! So know that you are normal. Tell your partner you are normal, calmly, joyfully, and confidently. No need to be defensive or aggressive—it’s not your partner’s fault for not knowing about nonconcordance. Actually, it’s more my fault and the fault of all the
other sex educators and researchers. We have failed to communicate this idea clearly to the world, and now you’re stuck with the job of fixing our mistake. Sorry about that. So apologize for me, on behalf of all the sex educators and researchers in the world, and then give your partner the facts: “Emily Nagoski is sorry that you didn’t already know that genital response isn’t a reliable indicator of sexual arousal. But it’s true. What my genitals are doing doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with how I feel. Thirty years of research confirms this. So please pay attention to my words, not my vagina.”
You don’t have to actually apologize for me; you can just email me and say, “Could you please email my partner an apology for their not knowing about nonconcordance?” and I’ll do it myself. Seriously, I will.
Second, offer your partner other ways to tell that you’re turned on.
No woman, on learning about nonconcordance, asks, “But if my genitals aren’t telling me I’m aroused, then how do I know when I’m turned on?” It’s only the men who say, “If I can’t tell by her genital response, then how do I tell that she’s into it?”
That makes sense, especially if they’re guys who experience a high degree of concordance themselves. It’s natural to construct a framework of sexuality based on your own experience and not quite know how to deal with someone whose framework is different from yours.
So here are some alternative things your partner can pay attention to, if your vagina is telling only about expecting, not about enjoying: • Your breath. Your respiration rate and your pulse increase with arousal. You begin holding your breath, too, as you get to the highest level of arousal and your thoracic and pelvic diaphragms contract. • Muscle tension, especially in your abdomen, buttocks, and thighs, but also in your wrists, calves, and feet. When the tension moves in waves through you, your body bows and arches.
For some women, in some contexts, this happens in an obvious way. For other women, or in other contexts, it is subtle. It’s a cue. • Most important, your words. Only you can tell your partner what you want and how you feel. Not all women feel equally comfortable talking about their desire and arousal, but you can shortcut with “yes” or “more” or “blrgpfh!”
And remember this, too: It’s not about attending to any specific physiological response, behavior, or other clue. It’s about attending with a kind of broad, receptive vigilance. Suggest that your partner attend to you not with a magnifying glass but with the wrong end of a telescope, or the way a chess master watches a chessboard—looking for large-scale patterns and dynamics. Your partner should attend the way a master chef tastes food —not just for individual flavors, but for the way those flavors combine and create something unique and new and delicious.
Third and finally, deal with any lack of lube-on-demand by supplementing with the fluid of your choice: your saliva or your partner’s (when there’s no risk of infection transmission), your partner’s genital fluids (ditto), store-bought lube, whatever.
What is lube for? Reducing friction, which can increase pleasure, and it always decreases the risk of tearing and pain. And always use lube with protective barriers like condoms or dams. Lube increases their efficacy and makes them more pleasurable. Lube is your friend. Lube will make your 30sex life better.
Sometimes people feel uncomfortable introducing outside sources of lube into their sexual connection. This hesitancy may stem from any number of life events or from simple inexperience with it or from a sense that using lube means you’re somehow inadequate. Remember the sanctity moral foundation. Sex-related stuff gets categorized as “dirty,” even when it’s a bottle filled with something you find in many hair products.
But you know now that vaginal lubrication has its own way of being in the world, which may or may not have anything to do with your sexual interest and arousal. You know that lube is important because it reduces friction, which increases both health and pleasure. And you know that you get to choose which beliefs you nurture and which you weed out.
If you decide to try using lube, here are some tips for talking with your partner about it: • Playfulness, Curiosity, and Humor. It is literally impossible to feel stressed and anxious about something when your approach is playful, curious, and humorous. Let it be a little silly; let it be fun. This is about pleasure, remember? • Make Your Partner Feel Like a Superhero. Communicating about sex feels risky sometimes because, above all, you don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings. The simplest shortcut around hurt feelings is to make the conversation about all the things your partner can do to increase your pleasure beyond its already skyrocketing heights, and all the delight you hope to add by incorporating this new element to your sexual connection. • Choose Your Lube Wisely. Not all lube is created equal. Often it’s a good idea to choose lube together with your partner—shop together and pick something you both feel good about, so that you are both equally invested in it.
May I recommend that you consider silicone lube? I am a silicone lube evangelist. Here are just a few reasons why: • Safe to Use with Barriers. Use it with both male (external) condoms and female (internal) condoms, latex or polyurethane. • Thick. It doesn’t dribble all over in a runny mess. Especially for marathon sex (anything longer than ten or fifteen minutes counts as “marathon” as far as lubrication on genitals is concerned) or anal sex, lube staying where you put it is important. • Lasts Longer than You Do. It simply does not evaporate. It lasts a long, long, long, long time. It’s expensive, but you need to use only a tiny bit, so one bottle goes a long way.