they didn’t even know where to start. Their solution was the kind of problem solving that shows me they’ll be together for decades. They literally switched places—they swapped seats—and took on the other person’s point of view. Camilla argued for Henry, and he argued for her.
Camilla said, “If you don’t have an orgasm, then I can’t feel certain that you really liked and wanted the sex we had.”
Henry said, “If I don’t have an orgasm, all that means is I had as much pizza as I wanted, it was great, and now I’m all set.”
And then he said, “Oh.”
Camilla continued, “But pizza isn’t the same as sex. Sex has a destination, a goal, a ‘Final Real Ultimate It,’ and if you don’t have
that, then I’ve failed you!”
And then she said, “Oh.”
Henry said, “The only way you fail me is if you can’t accept me the way I am.”
Camilla said, “Your orgasm tells me you accept me the way I
am.”
And they both said, “Oh.”
And then she moved from Henry’s chair to sit next to him with her head on his shoulder. “Does my orgasm really mean that much to you?” she asked.
Henry answered, “If I make you a special pizza and you only eat one slice, how can I not wonder if you didn’t like it?”
“Hm. We’ll have to see if we can think of a logical solution,”
Camilla said.
They do, in chapter 9. difficulty with orgasm Very early on in grad school, two classmates and I sat together before class one fall afternoon, talking about—what else?—sex. One of them was recently married but had yet to have an orgasm with her new husband.
“I can orgasm on my own, but somehow when he’s with me, I can’t get there,” she said, her eyebrows sad and her mouth quirked in confusion. “I know he feels rejected and takes it personally, but I love him, I want to have an orgasm with him. I just can’t.”
She blamed herself. Her husband blamed himself. Both felt ashamed and broken and anxious that they would never experience “normal” sex.
At the time, I had no idea what was going on, but not long after that I began a clinical internship where I learned that such difficulties are both common and eminently treatable.
Distress about orgasm is the second most common reason people seek treatment for sexual problems (after desire), occurring in about 5 to 15 19 percent of women.Difficulty with or absence of orgasm in certain contexts is very common. For example, only 11 percent of college women report having an orgasm the first time they “hook up” with a new partner, compared with 67 percent of college women having sex in the context of a 20 relationship of more than six months’ duration.Around 16 percent of women have not had an orgasm, or are unsure whether they’ve had an 21 orgasm, by age twenty-eight.And there probably are some women who never experience orgasm—the research indicates something like 5–10 22percent—but it’s not clear how many of them are not able to orgasm under any circumstances and how many are just not interested enough to keep looking for the right context. Orgasm is, in some ways, like riding a bicycle —it comes more naturally to some people than others, and if you’re not motivated enough to keep trying until you figure it out, you’ll never learn.
And it’s a rare person who genuinely needs to learn to ride a bicycle.
Most problems with orgasm are due to too much stimulation to SIS— too much brakes, too many worries, too much stress, anxiety, shame, or 23depression, including stress, anxiety, shame, or depression about orgasm.
If you’re interested enough to want to have an orgasm, chances are you can, given the right stimulation and a context that lets you turn off the offs. And if you can orgasm now in an ideal context, chances are you can orgasm in a new and different positive context—like with your partner.
The most common word women used to describe their struggle with 24orgasm is “frustrated.”
We learned a lot about frustration in the last chapter. Remember the monitor who watches your progress toward a goal? If orgasm is the goal and the little monitor expects you to move quickly and smoothly toward that goal, it will begin to get frustrated when the brakes are preventing you from moving forward.
And does frustration fuel your accelerator . . . or does it hit the brake?
Yeah. Brake.
The solution to frustration about orgasm is the same as the solution to frustration around sexual desire. You have three potential targets: the goal